I don’t want to pretend or have others pretend I have musical talent. I’m such a goober. I honestly just had to delude myself that I was good at something.
My family, 6 months ago, made articles about me online, they mention there name, my behaviour, stupid things I’ve said to them. I have no choice but to change my name as currently there are four of them online that show up on page one of google when you search my first and last name.
Even my pdoc lies and toys with me. A doc put his hand over my face and said that it was part of my psychical exam, he was making sure my face worked ok. I just nodded my head and let him, but really it felt bad and I wanted to hurt him for it.
I don’t understand why I have lost everything, including who I was and even human respect. I know I’m bad, but why do they all want me to become worse? Why don’t they try to teach me to be like them?
First of all I want to tell you I’m sorry about your negative symptoms. They are a side effect of the AP meds and although the pdocs can’t do anything about them, we can do a lot about them. Namely, fight back against them.
Force ourselves to do things no matter how hard. I know this is easier said than done but, it can be done with the right attitude.
For instance, I forced myself to shower today. And in a few minutes, I’m going to force myself to do yoga.
I know I should try harder. Ive become quite the pessimist. I have such fear though of people. There is no such thing as a safe person in my life now. And that’s what I deserve probably, but I’d do anything for one last chance to be accepted and have the opportunity to behave properly. Maybe it isn’t always ‘never too late to change’. I ■■■■■■ up my whole life. This pain compounded by hopelessness and not a soul who cares about you…it’s unreasonable.
Are you poking fun, or honestly trying to just uplift me? My “art” is not art. It was grandiose thinking and immaturity, I know that now. Everyone knew this but me, I mean I knew it on some level, some of the time. But here I am replying, sticking around when it’s clear, again to everyone but me, that I’m their toy. Just a goober.
Two of my sisters called me a mentally slow psychopath to my face, they smiled so much when saying that to me because they knew I did understand that was what they were saying and that I would do nothing about it.
It must be very obvious that I’m something sick and horrid. I lie and manipulate a lot, I know people can see it. It’s probably beyond my control, but I swear I never wanted to really be this.
You could also try Wellbutrin, my psy said it also helps negative symptoms. Its an antidepressant but can sometimes work for negative symptoms. Only Abilify worked for me but for you it might work. You can ask your psy about it.
When I laid around and didn’t get out of bed, it was because I had severe clinical depression. Based on your outlook on yourself and life, to me you sound very depressed. Can you ask your pdoc for an antidepressant? It might help. I had to try a few before I found one that worked, which for me is Celexa. I’m doing much more now that my depression is treated. I hope the same can happen for you. It’s worth a shot anyway.
Living on my own may be necessary. I may need to look into bankruptcy though. More debt due to my past and brief addiction and psychosis/grandiose state left me with min payments that take 1/4 to a 1/3 of my income. Plus I have a pay $150-$180 a month now for adderall. But I’ll figure it out, it’s just not possible at this time