I posted a while ago about some abuse I’d been through.
For the past few months, I’ve been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with sex again, and when I did have the chance for intimacy, even the thought of kissing was freaking me out.
I haven’t even “done the thing” with myself in almost two weeks because I just don’t have the drive anymore, and I don’t feel like I should when I do have the drive.
I don’t want to NOT be able to be in relationships because of the fear that I’ll be disappointing, sexually frustrating and inadequate, but I haven’t felt like I should do that much to improve if it was just for someone else’s sake.
But now, it’s starting to affect ME as well, so I feel like I might have to before it takes over and becomes a full-blown phobia again.
I know I’m asexual, but it feels like my old fear of sex and intimacy is resurfacing. How do I nip this in the bud?
Funny how the mind works, a good therapist could help. I know for me the idea of sex can excite me, but actually going through with it, is another story. Not sure if I’m scared or just don’t really want it anymore.
Maybe you just don’t want the hassle that comes with a sexual relationship ? Which is kinda where I’m at I think
I don’t want the hassle, but I also don’t want the pain. I have something called vaginism, which makes my muscles contract and makes anything trying to enter feel extremely painful.
So along with trauma I have, sex to me means extreme discomfort/pain, nausea, and dissociation.
Plus I also associate it with people getting frustrated with me for not letting them penetrate me, which leads to them mistakingly thinking it’s because I don’t like/love/want them enough, and then they either leave me or terrorize me into leaving them.
Well that all makes sense, who wants to do something that is painful and brings no pleasure.
I guess sex is a expression of love, so it would be hard to find someone that is just happy with whatever else can be done. Sorry you have to go through life like this, must be very hard for you.
Been 30 years since I dated and it has not been fun, it changes a person
And I don’t want that happening to me.
I want to be able to show people I love them without having to sex them. I want to be able to give and receive intimacy without having the fear that they have an ulterior motive or that they’re going to try to push my boundaries.
And I don’t want to end up never experiencing love again just because I can’t deal with my problems.
Thank you
I honestly can’t afford a therapist right now. In a few months, I might be able to, but I don’t know if I’ll want to use what little money I have left over on it. I also want things like massages and seeing a hair dresser and much-needed new clothes.
I got 12 discounted sessions a few years ago, but the therapist seemed to think it was more important to find out my gender preference to make sure I wasn’t closeting or kidding myself.
So after 9 sessions, I quit. I didn’t feel like I got anything out of it. Plus every time we did talk about my trauma and stuff, it was like she ripped open an old wound without putting on a bandaid (following up or letting me process it)
Have you considered dating another asexual? That could ease some of the fear that they want to take it too far. It’s important for partners to have respect for each other’s boundaries.
As for the intimacy it’s good to reflect on what about it scares you?
And you say you worry about it becoming a phobia again how did you get yourself through it the first time?
All in all therapy may help you but I understand your hesitation in going to one.
I wouldn’t know where to find other asexuals.
They do have some ace meetups, but none within an area where I can afford to go.
I guess the thing with the intimacy that scares me is the fear that they’ll want more. My experiences tell me that intimacy leads people to get turned on or think I want sex, and so they’ll try to push me in that direction. It’s reached a point where I’m terrified of that happening, because I have some issues setting boundaries and saying ‘no’.
I don’t know how I got myself through it the first time. I just gave it time, and after a few relationships, I felt more comfortable around genitals as I had been able to touch some without there being any threat of penetration or pain.
It still feels like most guys eventually want the “normal” sex though, and try to work me towards being fine with that, and I just can’t.
My previous doctor told me I could help the physical issue by using special-made “toys” regularly, but I don’t want to semi-rape myself just so someone else can stick their thing in mine because they think it’ll make them happy.
I feel sick even talking about it. I don’t mind if others talk about sex, but as soon as they even hint that they might want it with me, I freak out. (internally)
You may be experiencing PSTD? After a traumatic event you must be scared or worried of similar experiences, the cure for that is exposure therapy, you get used to these anxiety provoking experiences until you dont feel fear anymore.
The point of exposure therapy is to get the body and mind used to there being nothing dangerous or hurtful.
The times I have tried to expose myself to sex and genitals, even when the person has been like “no pressure, we do what you feel like”, I’ve still had pain, and still felt like I was being nudged or pushed towards things I wasn’t comfortable with.
If you feel pain during sex experiences that is Post traumatic stress disorder, your mind is trying to protect you because of past bad experiences, you can search in google more information, I think a sex therapist would be useful. But all depends on you
This is a link to the sexual effects inventory. It’s what my therapist had me fill out when she was helping me with my fear of sex. It helped me at least see what was going on with my thinking.
I don’t know if this is an option for you or not, but if you were dating someone who didn’t have a ■■■■■ it might be easier to become intimate without feeling fear. You might also have an easier time finding someone who doesn’t make you feel pressured.
Exposure therapy helped me with my fear of intimacy, but sex doesn’t cause me physical pain, so it’s a different situation. Maybe you could try exposure therapy with just yourself, so you can once again become comfortable with just the things that make you happy. It is important to note that exposure therapy isn’t about forcing yourself to do things that bother you. It is about doing something you know you should like, then stopping before it becomes unpleasant for you, so you start to associate the action with feeling good. If you push yourself too far, you’ll just reinforce the idea that it’s supposed to feel bad. So like, without getting too graphic, I would start things, go for like a minute or two, then stop. After a week or so of that, I’d go for a few more minutes. After every session, I would do something to reward myself. Since I was practicing with a partner, I would have him hold my hand and tell me he loved me. Slowly, I began to associate sex with feeling good and happy. I still have some days when I just can’t handle being touched, and I still have some areas that I never want to be touched in, no matter how good I’m feeling. And that’s okay.
I think maybe you should start with working on setting boundaries then. Cause if you feel more in control I feel like these fears can be alleviated a little.
Cause if you can be confident in your ability to stop it before it gets to a point you’re uncomfortable with that could help you
It’s ok just take your time you can and will find people that respect your boundaries.
I think there’s an element of cultural indoctrination when it comes to sex. In a lot of western countries, especially following media messages and porn culture, sex has become a prerequisite for being a 20 something. What I feel is that, basically you feel pressured to have sex with people because supposedly “that is the norm for your age group” or because “everyone else is doing it so I must be unusual if I don’t want to”. I know this may seem like a bit of a jump, but it seems like you are assuming that sexual intercourse or kissing is a requirement for being in a relationship. If the person you are interacting with is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to THERE IS NO CONSENT, and you need to get out of that situation. Remember, relationships can work without intercourse or kissing going on, in fact, many people make that work.
So there is no reason for you to feel pressured to be sexual when you do not want to be. There is also no reason for you to assume sex is scary, though acknowledge that everyone has different sensitivities to this sort of thing.
You are not alone, plenty of young people who are in relationships (or not) choose not to have sex for various reasons, or they may not be willing to do it unless certain conditions are present.
Your opinion may change over time or it may remain stable. Instabilities in feeling are common with people with our illness, uncertainty about sex is just one dimension of this.
As for trauma from past sexual abuse, that is something you should seek counseling for if possible, though I feel that can be an area where people feel very uncomfortable opening up. Sometimes wounds like like that can take a long time to heal.
