Ok time to be mature, guys (not that I think anyone on here wouldn’t be). As you might have noticed, sexuality is a sore subject for myself. I’ve been thinking about it today and how my attitudes on it changed.
Back when I was a little kid I experimented all the time, played “doctor” and all those dumb things. Then when I hit middle school I just assumed I’d have sex in hs, which is what every media source told me, so I just accepted this and didn’t really think of it as any sort of issue. When I got to hs, they had an abstinence speaker come in (because it was the south, lol) and it was the first time I’d heard about saving yourself for someone special. I liked the idea, and decided I would save sex for someone who I really loved and cared about, instead of just doing it casually.
Then the whole weird demon attacks happened…so that was a thing. Psychosis was really bad during hs…grades dropped, etc. So during this “demon-era” in my life, while the attacks were going on I lost ALL interest I had in sex with anyone and it was now a subject that outright TERRIFIED me. I was filthy and disgusting and ashamed.
After I moved, I became aware of my psychosis and learned to control and manage it. The demon attacks also stopped. Then I went through the whole “overcoming my addiction to demon sex” ordeal since the attacks didn’t happen anymore, which was not fun, and I did not sleep well at night.
But after the passing of several months I broke the worst of the addiction. I’d never stopped wanting it again…but at least it didn’t keep me up at night anymore. I began to work on my recovery process. I got a boyfriend. I tried to ease myself back into the water with sexual things. First it was fine. Kissing? Totally ok! I was even fine with some petting.
It was when things moved to lower areas that I just started…freezing. Suddenly all my interest would vanish. The mood would be destroyed for me. I had no desire to touch him in that way, and no desire for him to touch me like that. He would comment on how I never initiated, but I really just didn’t want to, which was something he had trouble understanding. Why? Why do I just freeze up like that?? It ruins everything. I’ve come so far from where I used to be, but how am I supposed to improve if my mood gets destroyed on anything past second base?
Am I asexual or something? Do I just not want to have sex? Or is this still the aftermath of my attacks? What is up with me? This is completely hindering my chances at getting relationships to the point where I actively avoid and reject guys who are interested in me because I know I have to sort this crap out in my head first.
Does anyone have any advice at all?? I could REALLY use it. I’m tired of being single.