I’m having a bit of a hard time today. I dislike myself very much. I dislike the choices I made that hurt people, and those that could have hurt people. And the fact that there’s a risk I (from psychosis) hurt others, even my kid.
The voices of family who think I’m everything dumb and evil, and they are perfect, also ring in my head. They say anybody who thinks I have kind sides, doesn’t know me.
This makes me think: maybe I should stop life. I’m having suicidal thoughts. I can’t see how it can get better, because the past can’t be erased. I’m also frightened of the afterlife…of what God thinks of the mess I made.
Something with: help? How do you guys cope with feeling bad about past choices?
You always seem so kind to people on this site. You’ve helped me multiple times … You didn’t stomp on me when I genuinely needed help and got won’t forget that. You are a person capable of good just like everybody else !!!
Thanks guys. That’s kind. Thanks for the compliments and lifting me up.
3 tough things the last days.
The youth team is being nasty. They are wrecking everything, because they see us once every 3 months and have no idea about the situation…but think they know better than all other people involved. And I hate them. But they are in control.
A lady I knew died. I helped her tell her life story of abuse and recovery. She was cool. She asked to visit, and I didn’t, and now she died.
The new psych just asked me to name all trauma. From minor to major.
You like all of us have been sentenced to a life term. It seems only natural to want to escape. But to me taking the whole sentence with all its sufferings seems to be right.
@jonathan2, yeah. Thanks. It is not as bad as it seems…I did a lot of happy things this week too. Even this morning was fun. But sometimes all the sh*t comes in mind all at once. The “name all your trauma’s-thing” was a bit tough.
I am planning one, actually. Haha, we are traitors and might visit the French side of Belgium: Namur. Do you know it well? Kid rarely went abroad and wanted a different-language-country.
@broken, thanks. for some strange reason that thought is very helpful.
I’m doubting whether to ask or not to ask my dad to join holidays for a day.
Dad has a difficult side. But a sweet one too. We’ve all been under extreme stress. I felt he really wanted to join, somehow, and seek…confirmation…maybe. I think it may be good to focus on positive things together. So it may work out well - or be a disaster if there’s a fight.
Honestly, if you’ve never been there I would go to Brussels. It’s Belgiums largest city (1.2M) and the capital of Europe.
I lived and worked there for a year so I know it quite well. Just don’t bring any valuables along on the trip.
You can visit the royal palace, Bozar museum, the European quarter. You’ve got parks like the warande park, jubileumpark. You’ve got beautiful historic buildings like the constitutional court and the palace of justice. Shopping on the Toison d’or and Avenue Louise.
It’s only 30 minutes by train from Antwerp.
Most people speak French but you can manage as well in English. Some people speak Dutch but it’s like 10-15% of the population.
When I think of it you also have a very nice musical instrument museum with a nice café on the rooftop.
Sounds cool. Thanks. It’s also easier to visit for dad from here. I’ll check out hotels. And it’s nice because of the ease of the trains.
My French is horribly bad. And kid had a 4 (out of 10, with 10 as the best) for French, it’s his worst course. So please pray we don’t go stranded, underfed, lost or in otherwise messy situations…or we find people willing to speak Dutch…
I think maybe this should be switched to Unusual beliefs. I don’t like the embarrassing things I’ve said, which was often, but I love myself. I have held on a long time and feel I’ve lost most of myself but something definite says it’s important to stay alive at all costs. If believing in a bad afterlife keeps you alive maybe it’s a good thing. That’s my opinion.
I’m not sure it’s unusual beliefs, but maybe the mods can decide and do that? I don’t know how.
I don’t think I’ll ever like myself again. But I do indeed strongly feel I should not kill myself. And I fear what happens next if I do. It’s just hard to continue sometimes. But I don’t think I’d ever dare kill myself…which I guess is indeed a good thing…
Hope you feel better. I dislike myself because of negative symptoms and because I have no job to make money like my friends. I am jealous of them sometimes. But I am not suicidal
I understand how you feel, I think. I have no intention of dying but still sometimes experience a bunch of thoughts and feelings about suicide, and they make me feel so heavy in my mind and heart cuz at the time they’re all I can think about. But they usually get better if I just wait them out or, even better, spend time talking and visiting with others. Still, when the thoughts are there it’s SO hard to think things will get better. I hope you feel better soon!
I think theyre wrong. u seem like a very nice person. everyone fights with their family and shows their family their worst but that doesnt make them a bad person. i dont belive u are a bad person.
i dont think about it. the past is the past. it doesnt really exist. it only exists if we let it continue to live in our minds. thats the way i see it anyway. people can change. and just cause u did something bad in ur past doesnt mean u are a bad person now. if u arent doing bad things now then i wouldnt worry about the past.
i wish i had some advice to learn to like urself. but i cant think of any. maybe be proud of the things that make u different.
@aziz, thanks. I know you struggle with the negatives. I hope your family coming back helps you feel a bit better too.
@whiteraven, thank you. That’s it indeed. I know I can’t kill myself. But sometimes the thoughts are real strong. I can’t feel there’s a way out. I see everything bad about myself. And I want another me. It’s a bit better already now. Though I still feel I’m fooling myself.
