Also I feel like I’m living on the edge. What if something happens, how will I cope with that?
This is my fear. Fear of life itself. My mind is constantly on high alert. My childhood was the same, I had to do a lot of chores, cooking, shopping, cleaning, and try to keep up schoolwork as well. My uncle expected I have my homework from school done correctly, but his wife had me doing everything else in the house as well. I suffered beatings and she was a home drinker, so things were very strange in that beautiful house that from the outside, people didn’t know the full extent of what was going on in the inside.
They never let me out much. Very little. I used to sleep in fear because she would often come to my room at night, wake me up after taking all my clothes out of my wardrobe and telling me get up and hang them up. Strange things like that used to happen. I was so so tired as a child living with them, the pressure was immense. Get things done before I go to school, bring her her breakfast in bed, get to school try to concentrate, get home go get shopping, cleaning and cooking, then very little time to do my school work. My uncle would then return from work, and he would check my homework and because things were not done right I would have his punishment on top of everything else.
That house was a nightmare to live in. I was already after losing my mother at age one and a half, then my maternal grandmother raised me very well until I was 8. My grandfather used to beat her, I was terrified she would die. Shortly before she died, she separated from him. I missed her dearly when she died, and it’s her son my uncle who took me into care with his wife. All went downhill from there unfortunately. My father was an alcoholic, but I did see him regularly when I was living in that house, but I was afraid to tell him or anyone what was happening to me, fear of physical violence and that my uncle and aunt would make me pay for telling.
There was sexual abuse also in that house. And also by another not family member but close enough to our family where we used to visit, happening same time I was living with my Uncle and Aunt.
Honestly I miss my grandmother so much, and I think I bubble wrapped my kids because of my own fears I went through growing up. I ran away from them aged 14. Went to my father, who was off the drink by then, left school and started drinking heavily, going out. I went wild. Then a man much much older than me wined and dined me. Took advantage of my vulnerabilities. My father asked him if he had any part time work. It was a vegetable stall. He gave me a job, he was a married man, but he bought me and provided me with drink regularly.
My story is just so hurtful in many ways. I don’t know how I could ever be right but I’ve tried my best to raise my kids as best I could, even if it was very fearful for me. They got through school and my daughter is about to graduate from college in the summer.
I tried to do my best. Unfortunately there is evidence of I not being able to give them full independence due to my own fears. I know there’s a bad world out there and I do try to protect them even now that they are adults.
It’s just all very unfortunate for me because I am hurt, deeply deeply hurt. I don’t want to admit it but I am. I remember long ago a psychiatrist once said to me. Your traumas are so deeply ingrained that we may never get there.
I’m tired from all the heaviness in my heart but I will take whatever help I’m being given by my psychiatrist. I need it. I just want you guys to know some of my past history. It might make things somewhat clearer.
I hope it’s ok to have told some of my story. I’m definitely in need of this medication I think for what I’ve been through and tried to fight but it’s got a hold of me my past I think.
Thanks