Thanks @irrelevant, that is helpful. You do have good advice. It’s appreciated.
That is cool. I’m going to put it somewhere. Thanks.
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I’m just really scared that my psychosis will hurt my child. That’s such a frightening reality, that I find it hard to live with. It fills me with self-hatred.
Then I try put it out of my mind. And I feel guilty about that as well. As if I have no right to be joyful. Because I need to be aware how awful and dangerous I am. All the time.
(Not that I’m beating or scolding him, but rather that psychosis is unpredictable and I dont know how to balance risks. I can hardly lock myself up in the attic to avoid hurting anyone ever. There’s always a risk.)
Not sure how to explain. But this is what my mind says.
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Do you have harm OCD?
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I’m not really sure what it is…but maybe…I think so.
harm OCD is like when u fear u will hurt someone else. i used to get it, sometimes still get it under stress. like an example was i was holding a knive and had an intrusive vision of me stabbing someone with it. so then i became afraid to be around knives. if thats what it is u gotta tell urself that everyone gets those thoughts but that they just ignore them and dont fixate on them then they go away.
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Hmm…not sure.
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My family has always been bizarly critical of me over the weirdest details. E.g bashing me over having a slightly less common e-mailprovider.
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As a result, I also was bizarly critical of me. E.g. feeling extreme guilt as a kid when I did something bad. I did rarely. Things like grabbing a tiny candy.
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There is genuine risk. Delusions are unpredictable. I dont want to harm kid in psychosis, but I’m scared I accidently do because I don’t understand the world.
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Family is dead scared of my delusions. They tell others all the time that I’m dangerous and horrible. They say I’m daily very bizar. (They didn’t see me for 4 years). I work 3-4 days and kid is with me 3 days. They all say I’m fine. But still…my family repeating this all the time, however empathic I am about their fear…is frightening me too.
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I have weird thoughts. E.g. I dont dare eat because it is hurting people/animals/plants/environment. Where I think “if I touch this, kid will magically be horribly hurt”…“if I do this tiny thing, I will be horridly punished”…“I had a bad thought, oh no!!!”
Maybe scrupulosity? Harm ocd…maybe too?
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this is weird. and i probably wouldnt trust their view on me after this
i dont think u should feel guily about this AT ALL. kids do stuff like this. i did this. i did even worse. when i was 12 i stole a bunch of cameras from walmart cause i wanted one of every color. i feel no guilt about that. kids are dumb and make mistakes.
this sounds like maybe OCD or maybe magical thinking. i do get similar ideas. and relate to u of the fear of my actions causing harm to others. or where i feel like my thoughts will cause harm to come to others. idk what that is but i understand where ur coming from with this.
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That’s one of the sweetest crimes I’ve heard. 
Especially with wanting one of every colour. And indeed: not to feel guitly about.
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It’s indeed an ocd-ish/magical thinking-ish something. Not sure. Thank you for understanding it…it’s difficult to explain. I think it was fed by needing to be perfect at home.
I’ve also wondered…abuse really went wrong at 8. Which I think is a magical-thinking age. I think something in me got stuck there.
Their behaviour is indeed weird. And it’s frustrating because people dont see it.
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I’m feeling a slight bit better. It is the time of the month as well. Still sad. But not so very suicidal as yesterday. Thanks for the support, you guys are great.
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Sometimes I just struggle with how my mental health issues harm kid. Not voluntarily…I dont think I have ever even scolded him or been genuinely angry with him. But there’s a billion ways my distress influences him.
I’m extremely careful that he shouldn’t see my delusions. If I feel I cant care for him well, I arrange something else. But what if…
And he also worries if I feel less well. And then there’s all the trouble with family. I can’t solve it by myself, if they don’t want help. But I want everything to be better for him.
Son says he’s happy and content here. But. I have all these “what if things go wrong” thoughts. Sometimes I think I should keep myself away, because there is always a risk with psychosis. But to abandon my child is also a harm. And things are good as they are…I just always fear about it. 
They haven’t gone wrong yet 
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Why worry about something unlikely to happen. Aren’t you stable on meds?
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Not fully.
I’m fine 3.5 weeks a month. With or without meds.
I’m not fine during pms and family fights. They make me extremely depressed. With a dash of delusion. Like yesterday. It’s not dangerous, but rather…I’m very sad, which is no fun.
I’m not sure what meds are best. I dont tolerate ad’s. They cause hypomania. I’m not sure the ap’s make it better or worse. They worsen my mood. I and my bipolar friends want me on a mood stabilizer…but my doc refuses.
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@anon31960475, you are right.
I just find the disease scary. It is unpredictable.
Maybe I should trust. Even if I get ill again… I’ve arranged a network of people around us. Mental health workers who see me 3 times a week. My work, which is full of social workers. I’m there nearly daily. I’ve made sure the most relevant people there know I have psychosis. And see me with my kid a lot. We have a real good connection and I’m open. We have known eachother for years.
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I get aggressive off meds mostly verbally I fight with others over small stuff, I thought my teacher was giving me bad grades cause he hates me, I wanted to fight him but I reported him to my supervisor. He said I am wrong. I get bad thoughts but don’t act on them. I never get thoughts about killing others even off meds
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Yea… you got it Marian!! That’s a pretty good place to be in…I’m just starting to get a solid support system after 7 years lol
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@anon31960475 Thanks. It has taken me a while too. But I have people around me that I trust now.
@aziz, that is difficult. But good you don’t act.
When I’m very delusional, I get extreme guilt and fear. So I only fawn, flee or freeze. But that can also harm people, they can get scared.
My good friends think I’m very gentle. But when I am slightly delusional the anger about abuse does surface…and I tend to express it more temperamentally. Not threatening people. But being angry and defensive. I feel more anger when I’m mildly delusional.
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I think I might not always oversee how frightening people find a frightened person.
My brothers locked me up in the house once when angry. I got frightened and froze. I said nothing and sat quietly on the couch. Closed eyes, not responding. My brother hit me to the ground and threatened me with something extremely scary.
In my memory, they were very scary. In their memory, I was very scary. I did nothing. But that’s unpredictable to others too.
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Sorry you are feeling this way, it’s not your fault that you are in this situation. This life with the disease and the meds is hard. It makes us think different, like it’s harder to have a positive view. We must not give up though. We are not alone. Everyone who lives experience pain, but don’t forget life can be good too.
Maybe you can get a little better with supplements. I’m thinking you should definitly try inositol, because it both works to give hormonal balance and helps OCD.
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