I don't really care if I live or die

Sometimes I get low and depressed, other times I am pretty content and press ahead.

My main problem at the moment is my failing sense of being able to complete tasks, and just pure lack of energy

Honestly, if someone arranges one more thing with me I am going to shoot off at them

Had enough of dealing with other peoples expectations of me.

I smoke cigarettes so much and willing them to kill me with the volume

Seriously though, I ■■■■■■■ hate writing things like this, but I can’t seem to vent these feelings with anyone, and I feel trapped inside with all this

Please don’t post those stupid resources @Moderators, as I have tried all that in the past

I just woke from a dream where my suicide attempt last year worked, and I saw all the good that came of it, and I feel tempted by this again

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Don’t let others get you down.

Don’t pay any attention to that dream you had. Nothing good comes from death in reality.

I’m sorry you’re suffering @Joker

It’s ok @everhopeful I am used to having to internalise this stuff a lot, but lately I feel the cracks starting to appear again, and I am not sure how much more I can tolerate it.

Stupid thing is I have a good life despite my circumstances health wise. But I cannot seem to just get enjoyment any more.

I have tried buying myself a few things to see if that helps, but it doesn’t - at all

Makes a joke out of working when you do it a lot and don’t spend the money, and when you do you don’t like it

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The voices are now telling me - triggered off by this post, that I need to go on a round the world trip and just never come back

Good ideas seem to come from them

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I’m sorry you feel down. Are you living with anyone or are you alone? That might make a difference. I sometimes feel I was happier alone but decided years ago that it was time to accept help from others.

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I don’t care either.
So it would be fine
to die of covid.

I live alone but my parents are close by.

The problem is my parents are Conservative Capitalists and don’t appreciate that I am struggling mentally with trying to conform to their ideals of work work work

Just can’t keep up with it anymore

I have tried Facebook dating these past few weeks, and lots of people have messaged me who want a long term relationship, but nothing ever happens and I feel worse due to this failure of me

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We have this on our door step that lots of people jump off

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Did you decide to buy that bmw?

No I did not buy that. Probably for the best but it doesn’t matter anyway

I got a new computer and some furniture, but I hoped it would make me feel better, but it hasn’t, at all

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I hope you feel better

Material things will never give you happiness or solace and even if they give it will be temporary

U may get peace from meditation or other spiritual things

All the best

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I don’t understand meditation and I do my best to avoid anything spiritual as it triggers my delusions

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Ok then, sorry, I didn’t know that

Then those things are probably not for you

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All I can say @Joker is to hold on and don’t let go.

I don’t think holding on is really an option. Prolonging things is not the best idea

I’m not advocating anything, but a lot of that is resonating with me.

I do feel cigarettes may play a part in making things more hard to enjoy. As non causal as it may seem, they do preoccupy what few functioning dopamine receptors you do have:

I know quitting isn’t an option, but tone it down and get into a gym. It might be so, you feel a high more from the latter than the former and it becomes the preference — this is what I plan to do

I fkin hate suicidal thoughts and ideation; i can’t share what I think because I know it’s going to give others ideas, but trust, I’m sorry you’re going through this

I’d write more, but it’s a complicated subject to express because the more you speak on it, the less sense it makes and the more result orientated it gets - to just be dead

I won’t post the resources, but if you feel like you want them, just ask.

I am sorry you feel this way. Just remember, depression is a liar. All the “everyone and everything is better without you” is a damned lie.

You are a great person and the world is better with you in it.

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I thought I wanted cigarettes to kill me. You don’t. It makes everything much worse.

There is no way for you to know this.

I feel unable to do anything in this world to help people

The way things are I hate being stuck in my financial position

Do not feel like any interventions from mental health professionals is helping me

It’s my mothers birthday today. I had dinner out with them last night, and breakfast out this morning but she wanted me round for dinner tonight and I said hard pass as I am feeling so rotten

I tried to speak to my doctor on Friday, but no luck.

Just feel useless, and wasting time with what I am doing.

I am a social pariah and a reject, and although I find people online to be caring and supportive, IRL that does not seem to exist.

I don’t want to come off as seeking pity - I know a lot of others have a worse time of it than I do, but sometimes I cannot cope as well as I should