I feel this way sometimes. It’s easy to just give up. I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, other than to say you are not alone in thinking “I don’t really care if I live or die” I can’t enjoy much of anything, I have no idea whether it’s dopamine related or what but it’s difficult to live without much joy. Add on working for yourself like you do and I know I’d be having a hard time too. Best of luck.
The thing is, everyone has worth. You’re just petting the depression feed you the lies. I can tell you are a good person from the way you talk and support people here.
I know it is hard to live as someone with mental illness. It seeps into every facet of our lives and makes a lot of it feel like utter ■■■■.
But you can fight it and win. It’s hard, but getting past the depressive lows feels great. You will feel more free. It’s just getting there. I know it is hard as hell. And often feels like it isn’t worth it.
It is, though. You just have to somehow get out of this hole. I really hope you do.
Joker. I can relate so much and am experience so much what you are. Some circumstances are different. But finding no joy in things that used to some sense of happiness even just temporary is all gone. Nothing makes me happy. I lived with suicidal ideation for most of my life with failed attempts. But now with heavy medical treatment new meds. I want to die deep down but the meds make me no longer suicidal able to act on it. Yet I still think about death.
Having to check in with my weekly case worker is the only thing that keeps me going. When I don’t want to keep going. Im by far not doing well but checking in makes me feel I have to make it week by week.
All this time seeing your posts how your working and accomplishing things I thought you were an example of where I want to be and I’m sorry to hear your experiencing this.
I would encourage people still to follow a similar path, but by no means is it a cure
Work is a great distraction, and it’s fulfilling - my problem is I crash in free time, and have occasions where I fall down and find it hard to pick myself back up again.
Used to be more resilient, but not so much these days
I guess this is what happens when you bottle things up most of the time
These drops in mood are getting quite frequent and more intense and I don’t know what to do about it to be honest
Maybe a mood stabilizer? I hate the mood drops. I get them and feel depressed for a long time.
I try my best as well but everything i do seems meaningless, i wish i could say that i am important bc what i do is more for others benefits than mine, i get some sense of achievement but i am always looking to improve my purpose on this earth, idk how i can have a life that i can truly be 100% happy with, no-one has that, there is so much that i need to improve and so much that i just cant but i will keep trying
I don’t know anything about these
My pdoc diagnosed me with depression about 6 months ago, but I have not been taking the medication for about 4 months
Sertraline made me not able to sleep, then he tried to get me to take Mitrazapine but I refused to take it due to weight gain as a common side effect
It put me off due to how much weight I gained on Olanzapine
Maybe I need to reconsider, but it would have to be a med I am happy with
Here we only get a small amount of time with our doctors, like many other places I am sure - so I felt they were just throwing meds at me
I was on 8 medications, now I take 3.
That is horrific 
Maybe try the sertraline again and get some melatonin? Sertraline is a really good med for depression.
I just don’t feel I am up to having this conversation with my doctor
My drivers license is up for renewal, and I can’t afford to give him any reason to not give it to me
I take Celexa. It doesn’t make me have any insomnia or fatigue. My Haldol gives me fatigue but not the Celexa.
What I’m trying to say is there are lots of meds out there. Meds that cause weight gain in others may not for you, and vice versa. Meds that cause insomnia in you may not in others. It’s very individual.
I used to be very depressed and suicidal for many years of my life. But it’s better now. I have hope in my life. I have a great husband and kids.
I still struggle with paranoia, and what I’m told are delusions and hallucinations. And I still can’t work. But I’m better and have a better life. You can too if you don’t give up and keep trying
Recovery is a double edged sword. The more you can do, the more people expect from you. And they don’t understand how you are already putting out so much energy to do the little you are already doing. IDK if you find this in your own life but I run into it often.
Or another variation is the pressure you put on yourself if you are functioning well enough to work or drive or whatever but you can’t do other simple things in life. So you get down on yourself.
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This is exactly where I have felt I am at.
Highly relatable your statements and sentiments.
@77nick77 thank you for putting into words that I have failed to do here
If I’d started at that point, I think this thread would have been more constructive than a dead end to nowhere
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I’ve never related more to a post right now after the downward spiral of everything im feeling the same exact way find little things keep yourself going irl you’re right it isn’t the same now crap it sucks when you can’t talk to anyone really about how you are feeling but this is real for alot of us I had a good few years but due to my last trip out I’ve been in this boat since try to keep your head up do the best you can dont let anyone tell you it isn’t good enough if you’re doing your best I’ve been there too it sucks I hope things get better for you I know how hard this can be
Sorry to hear, I had no idea you were struggling with all of this. If it was myself, I would be thinking short-term, get a really good night sleep so things look a little less daunting. Lay in bed for a whole day if you have to. Being down is exhausting. Medium-term, take on less projects. Long-term… Who knows
Have you tried a psychologist for the depression? They might help you through it without prescribing medications. This worked for me before. Also, if you think you are bottling up emotions, you can try journaling as a way to express yourself.
Also, what computer did you get?
Sorry I have not replied to you all. I sympathise with anyone who relates to the things I have posted, and feel a bit saddened that many appear to either experience this, or have done in the past. It’s not a pleasant feeling at all
I got the new 24" iMac. Had a MacBook Air, and I sold that and it paid for a lot of it. Good thing is I can set it off against my taxes as I use it for work as well
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İ m not suicidal but i like to idea that if i die it will be not a big problem for me.in turkey suicides rates unbelievable high due to economic collapse.i think government is hiding to real statistics.anyway.only i can say that death is not big problem and live your life.because life is more precious than death.but don t put too negative feeling to death.that might be stressful.life is genuis.you are wittnessing to the miracle existance with full of genuis idea.