To Be or Not to Be (is it worth it)

I ask this in the most literal sense. Is it worth it to live life with this disorder? Or, is it better to indulge in the relief of suicide .

I am honestly not sure anymore. I am getting sick of living in a life where most people (normies) can’t understand me or avoid me.

So, after some strange events today, I ask:

Is it better to kill-oneself and face what ever comes after or is it better to bear the sufferings of this disorder for life?

Thank you.

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Since I experience depression, and have also been through some crazy ****, I believe that suicidal feelings are a symptom of depression (or other mental health problems), period. This is just my opinion based on my personal experiences.

I spent some time homeless, and experienced some terrible things while homeless, but I wasn’t depressed while I was homeless, and the option of suicide never even crossed my mind.

Yet at the same time, I’ve been in situations where my quality of life was objectively better, and I felt depressed and suicidal.

The one suicide attempt I’ve made in life actually happened during the best year I’ve had. I had my first boyfriend and things were going well between us. I had gotten my first job and was inching towards some independence, fresh out of high school. The weather was warm and pleasant, it was beautiful outside. I hadn’t yet encountered some of the horrible hurdles and experiences that would come in future years. And yet there I was, dying in my own vomit on a bathroom floor.

Yet while homeless and experiencing all sorts of horrible things, I felt alive, driven, determined, adventurous even. My instincts were sharpened, and I felt like a clever beast come to life.

Experiences like this have convinced me that when I feel suicidal, it is coming from the inside, not the outside.

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i just turned 49…
i have been living with mental illness since early childhood .
i have also struggled with this question…
but since i have survived this long i would say…it is worth it.
there are people in wheel chairs
people with chronic diseases…
personally depression is worse than sz
ocd is worse than sz
ptsd is worse than sz
there are kids in africa who have no parents and have to survive.
do they have a shrink or meds…no.
they keep going…it is human nature to.
you have a roof over your head
food on the table
a loving family
you have a laptop…probably an apple phone.
you are very lucky, i am very lucky :four_leaf_clover:
know someone cares :heart:
take care :alien:

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Don’t forget the hole you’d be leaving in other peoples lives…

Every trajedy avoided is crucial.

The negativity that continues to ripple otherwise keeps us divided and make the world seem dark.

There are folks that would wake up and mourn you everyday in their first few thoughts.

But along these lines there is a lyric I quote.

“So i say… To be is not to be… To be is not the way to be.”

But of course that song had nothing to do with suicide… Who knows what perspective that was coming from… Just sounds cool.

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I try to turn thinking like this around when possible. For now, I’m convinced that it’s everyone else who is suffering from a disorder: CCPRD - Constant Conditioned Programmed Reality Disorder.

I am also 49 and have lived with abuse and neglect in childhood and mental illness for over 35 years, including suicidal ideation. While I believe in Heaven and look forward to going home someday, I have reached a point where I am aware of my survival and proud of my progress. This is the only time I’ll be on this planet, and while it seems pointless at times, I know that things go through cycles. Things get very bad sometimes, and then they get better. And things change too. If I leave right now I won’t know what happens next.

I just finished shoveling the driveway with my 11 year old twin girls…

They plowed the snow onto a big toboggan and carted it away for me while I slaved away. But just them being with me in the fresh, brisk outdoors made it a special Daddy/daughters moment.

I hope you live till a hundred, @Sharp. So you can one day experience such joys of life…simple pleasures…unconditional love, the beauty of nature…wonderment through the eyes of children…etc.

:slight_smile:

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I believe life is worth living. And suicide would hurt others… I think I’m here for a purpose and it’s not only for my goals but for others too. And I don’t doubt I would go back in evolution in the next life… maybe. I believe God is forgiving but it may be something to face up to later… so I don’t give up and God willing ill make it to the next world

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you are meant to do something great with your life. Figure it out and be !

Although I think of suicide - I would never commit it. I chose to bear out life as leads to good times and frankly you never know when life will be good and frankly it can be so bad for many who don’t even suffer our handicap. Stand strong and suffer and look towards any modicums of Light and Life and stay solution focused - it’s my advice — I’ve been through hell and back and through hell again and I am a fighter and choose to stand to the world and say this is me - I am here and FTW - I shall keep on

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Are you receiving any treatment @Sharp? Are you in therapy or on meds?

Yeah, therapy and some weaker meds since hospitalization

I’m certainly not going to recommend or endorse that you should kill yourself. What I’m going to tell you is this. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 1980 at age 19. My first 2 1/2 years with this hellish disease was nightmarish. I suffered extreme psychosis and I suffered every minute of every day for those first 2 1/2 years. I had no hope and I often was suicidal.

My case of schizophrenia was so bad that I couldn’t see any decirnable reason to live. I had every reason on earth to just give up and end my life. I spent 8 months locked up in a psychiatric hospital when I was 21 years old. I was out of my mind and so were my 100 fellow patients. For those first 2 1/2 years I had no friends, I had no money, I had no job, I had no schooling, I had no girlfriends, I had no independence. I had no sanity. I was medicated into a shuffling zombie that paced the hospital halls, not talking, eating every meal in the cafeteria by myself for 8 months while my fellow patients sat around talking to each other. Doesn’t sound like a very good life does it?

But I got out and immediately things changed. I moved directly into a nice group home. I stared going to a vocational program 4 days a week. I was living with 8 other mentally ill people in that home. Well, after 9 months there I got a job. I worked their for four years. I moved into supportive housing where two or three of us with diagnoses shared a house by ourselves but there was a guy who was a counselor who would check up on us periodically to see if we were doing OK.

Then I got a car, I had two or three friends, I enrolled myself in college, I did fun things. I still had terrible symptoms but I was functioning despite them.

Well, I’ll turn 55 in March. I have worked almost steadily since 1983. I only need four more classes for my college degree, I lived totally independently from 1995-2015. I have a beautiful car. I’ve dated. I got asked out by a pretty girl about six months ago. I have a friend now. I have traveled across the country a few times, I’ve been to many movies and restaurants. Do you see my point?

I went from being hopeless to living a productive life that has been fulfilling in many ways. I was in your shoes. When I first got sick I had no future, I had no sign or hint that I would ever accomplish anything. You can’t predict the future. Life is just a huge gamble but sometimes things work out.

In my early years with schizophrenia, I was nothing special, I was just one of the crowd with life tossing and turning me at its whim. I was just one of the guys. I don’t think I need to say more. I’ve made my point. I’m not saying that everybody can accomplish what I have but lots of other people with schizophrenia accomplish many things in life besides me. I hope you get something from all of this.

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There are nice things about reality too. The sunrise doesn’t judge. I agree with @Turnip. For some reason i was most happy and felt most stable when i lived on a reservation in basically a big box with insulation, no flooring, heating, running water… But when i moved to suddenly everything went down hill. Some of my easiest living was the worst part of my life. I couldn’t make any freind and i felt so lonely in my efforts to make people understand me. It wasn’t till i lived with my grandpa out in the country where we work all day just to drink, eat, and get wood for winter. Did i realize my pain was internal. That i was alot luckier than i thought. And that i didn’t need alot of people in my life. When i moved back to town, i realized when i found my own joy, other people just followed.

From one who’s lived a most peculiar life, might as well have been to hell and back only to face the decision to attempt to take his own life on the first occasion to meet what I believed to be a ghost by becoming one and in the later cases because I just couldn’t take the voices, smells, accusations, disgusting visions, incessant knocking and menacing whispering all while under a mountain of snow. I took a bottle of pills only to awaken early the next day minus my good balance. I put a knife to my heart on more than one occasion, just because the voices, the entities, whatever abomination populates my planet, demanded it.

No, it’s worth it to live. Even when you’re life is a living hell, I pledge to live throughout whatever bull they can throw at me, I survived four months of a non stop 24/7 rapid fire self contradicting voice I couldn’t do anything but listen to.

Everyday I miss the world I knew, thought I knew, the world that made sense. All I can do is grow stronger in my familiarity with what this disease of diseases is capable of and take comfort in knowing the bull is baseless.

It’s the afterlife I’m finding myself concerned with though I have no such convictions.

So. To live. To live.

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Maybe weaker meds aren’t cutting it. I don’t know. But I’m just trying to help. But I do know that MI is like life after a tornado hits a small town. Is it worth it to rebuild and carry on and experience what is ahead on the other side of the devastation? To a person, I’m sure it would be best to look toward the future and what triumphs lay ahead than to get lost weeping in the rubble.

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You could be quitting five minutes before the miracle happens. I know because I nearly did. Hang tough. The odds always even out and good things are coming your way.

Pixel.

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It’s better to live life, for all we actually know it’s the only one we have.

Colors are amazing, so are pets and is nature. The beautiful things in life can’t be taken for granted!

I learned that lesson.

The day after I tried to commit suicide I was working, on my break I was smoking a cigarette outside and burst out laughing, thinking that people are just monkeys without fur, with make up and fancy clothes… It’s all about perspective.

They say everyone regrets actually doing it you know?

Life is worth living!

Big hug to you.

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Idk, out of my two attempts. One was when I was very young around 12, and I had no idea what suicide even was, I just wanted to die. (my family members often speak of suicide it is not a good thing to be raised under.). I regretted that action, because I wasn’t sure what exactly why it happened and was ashamed.

My second attempt was attempted about two years ago though in haling chlorine gas made from household chemicals( received an A both times in AP chemistry so knew how to separate certain chemicals without hurting others) when no one as home. This, obviously, did not work and ever since then, I feel as if I have upset some balance. I don’t understand it. I am told it a lot. That I should not be alive and should die because of it quickly.

As a result, I contemplate death a lot and can’t seem to get over it. Idk what to do .

Who tells you you should die? That’s just plain mean and horrible and definitely not true.

Have you discussed this with your pdoc? Maybe an anti depressant?

I’m learning now to see the bright side of life everyday, my therapist gave me a task, to write three good things that happen everyday, maybe you can start doing the same.

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