Tbh , idk why i have this now 
maybe i am discovering the realuty, but i blame myself till hell, that i am unwell since 15 years and that my mother still needs to take a bit care of me… 
I even dont feel as a human being per moments, pals…
While even my ex pdoc said, that its a very tough illness to heal, but i blame myself even for the fact, that now i look for my friends, just to have a company lol…
Idk, maybe i have some paranoia about this place, the bottom of the life… everyone knew me mainly as sick too, not nice…
I started to try to give more, but i still feel as shyttt tbh… not even as a human being, pals… and this is painful…
I dont need advices about more meds, pls… my pdoc stated, that i respind the best to zyprexa, to keep taking it, but pay efforts now… ive tried lots of meds, believe me, they didnt help much about having a life… even one pdoc told me, that they gave me way too many meds… but enough on this, i dont complain…
But idk how to handle the fact, that maybe i am a burden to my mom… even to my friends… and am freaked out, that this continued for years lol… i was lacking totally a reason for decades, pals!!! My friends keep supporting me, but they dont see a good lufe from me, thats all maybe i dont understand the fact to be unwell, i have a terrible family story, you wont even believe it… but i get paranoid now, that i am often in pain and that hhe others see only this…
I fight too now though, but i am quite inadaptive and not well made to survive still
Ok, i hope you wont be too hard with me 
i guess my father destroyed me as hell, i even didnt learn to talk lol… while my parents had terrible expectations from me, while there were beatings till death at home… anyway…
For the rest, the sz brither of one friend of mine got independent after 15 years of isolation with his mom… maybe theres hope… i was just shaken today by my paranoia to be at the bottom of my life… idk why i should be paranoid 
maybe i lack faith and hope, yeah…
Take care all! I saw an episode of “Euphoria” too now, but i was even in pain from watching the problems in there lol 
It’s not your fault that you’re sick. It’s no one’s fault. It just happens to people. It really sucks, but you’re not to blame. Just try your best. That’s all you can do.
Do you live near a Clubhouse (for people with mental illness with Clubhouse International)? That can get you out of the house and feeling productive, plus you can socialize and make new friends.
Thank you… 
but i think, that my mother is very hard on me… she even says, that my conversion disorder is nothing, while some people with it are in wheelchairs 
and me, i still move here and am trying to be easier for her etc…
She talks only about her pains and about problems… but whatever…
Idk why i got paranoid, that i dont fullfill someone’s expectations… i blame myself to not be a human being even, you know… my sister knew me only as sick since forever and she said in my back, that i am a zombie…
Anyway, i suspect tbh, that i have the wrong idea of what is uo feel fine with our illness… maybe someone put me the normie, matrix ideas of how it should be and i just felt paranoid to not be it…
I hope i wont feel often like this…
My problem tbh is, that i feel like i fall down every day still, but i feel like i almost never get up… 
but tbh, the people around me put me lots of pressure, i think that they dont have a clue what is to have a sz…
I go outside everyday for 15 minutes in my neighborhood… i wasnt doing before even this… i try to progress even at home too… nope, theres no good clubs around here… i was twice in a daily center, it didnt move me much but thanks for thinking about me lol. I starve for the realuty now tbh, thats all and i seek it now lol…
Well I hope it all works out for you
I am probably in the matrix still, right, zannah? I turned paranoid about all the expectations from me, do you know this? I guess that i have still no clue what is to feel fine… its smoothness, its kindness, its empathy, compassion to others and myself, peace of mind, while i feel some other matrix pressure from my mother and the rest…
Idk why i turned paranoid to be at the bottom still after 15 years? Is this normal? Maybe i am sliwly just awakening, but its been all my lufe, that i was unwell, for real… i am afraid, that no one believes in me anymore
I’ve been paranoid since 2008. It’s just something we have to deal with as best as we can
I see… so i am not alone…
For me too, since 2009, when my dx of sz came… before i was just quite crazy and sick… i didnt progress much since then, but i am trying it now for the first time in my life…
You think, that the paranoia is tough to get rid of? 
yeah, my life situation is very bad yoo, my past - horrible…
Do you remember how Neo from the matrix was in pain at first after he “woje up” from hhe matrix dream? 
i hope that my too much pain is this now, what do you think?
Hows your lufe now too, zannah? A bit better? The meds help you or not much? Me, not much, but my pdoc says, that ill be even worse without them lol…
Health to you!!!
I live with my husband and kids and I’m happy in my home. But I struggle leaving the house and doing things on my own. I have a lot of paranoia and fear. The meds have helped with other things though. I’m very committed to taking them
Oh, i see… why the meds dont work on our paranoia and fears in your opinion? Maybe we worry for real things too, thats my explanation here lol
Am glad you have a family me, i never had a serioys relationship in my life, because of my sz, its quite particular, i am all alone… i just see my mother every day, who thinks, that I’ll be always sick and alone and advices me to not look for serioys relationships, yeah… she doesnt belueve in a man for me , sad…
Are you on antidepressants?
No, they make my paranoia worse and they never lifted my soul grief…
I have severe negative symptoms and found out that my psychiatrist is right, I lack dopamine in certain brain parts. I took dopamine and it fixed my negative symptoms but it worsened positive symptoms. Lucky users here are on stimulants Adderall or Ritalin yet they did not relapse. I wish stimulants didn’t worsen my positive symptoms.
I am like you, we know that already i think
If i work on my negatives, my positives worsen and vice versa… its hard yeap… i try to beat all that with efforts now… the docs even dont offer me more meds anymore, my sz is too complucated, am unlucky…
Lets hope though aziz! We get some minimum from the meds already, lets fight for the rest dear! I really belueve in the efforts for us both…
Unfortunately, when i am in pain, i am in real hell and have no this optimism and the pain still occurs too often… but i want to take it like that for once… but yeah, my pain can cripple me in bed still often, its no joke…
No optimism and sadness about your situation can be a sign of depression. I am not sad, just feel angry. Hopefully they will make meds in the future for negative symptoms that don’t block dopamine. Maybe Ulotaront in 2024.
Anyways don’t give up, for sure there will be better meds in the future.
The ads raise my anger too in fact, me too i am angry and very irritable in my illness… they were bad on my conversion disorder too and never worked on my despair tbh…
Am tired of meds, I’ll try it like that… my brain is too messed up, my meds dont fix my thinking, neither my emotions…
Idk…
Do you get still mental and physical pain?
Ive tried ritalin, it raised my anger and made me uncalm…
Not really. Did you try Abilify?
If you have pain let your Dr know.
Anyways wait for Ulotaront. Research shows its best for negative symptoms and it doesn’t affect dopamine directly, so won’t make you angry or paranoid.
Yeap, ive tried 12 aps for ten years… no, they dont work on my mental pain… i have intellectual deficit as well, they dont fix this… my pdoc knew it… she even was telling me, that my sz is not so severe, but more painful than usual… she couldnt help me on this after ten years of trying…
In fact, right now, i feel my brain in my head… maybe i am hooked on paranoia…