I am sad and bitter again, but i hope you’ll pardon me that… 
I fight every day now since 4 years… My case is strange, thats all…
So, i feel bad since kid folks… I attempted the suicide at the age of 19 already, cause i was tired to feel unhappy… I landed up in the psychiatry at 25, ive tried all their meds and i put a lot of hope on that too, while theyll never helped a lot really… I was seeing all my sz friends helped by the meds, while me not… I knew the total despair because of that, dont judge me hard, imagine is what to have waited for help for 25 years and when they pretend, that theyll help you, they just cant…
One pdoc even told me, that they gave me way too many meds, he was right too, that i have a psychosomatic disorder as well, which is painful and maybe the reason for big part of my sorrows…
One other pdoc was even thinking, that i am not a sz, but bpd… whatever it is, i still take the zyprexa. It eases a bit my symptoms, but in my head, i am sick still… In my body too, because of the somatic disorder…
Now ive decided to mainly change, change my thinking, its the only thing which helps a bit, but i guess that its quite a lonely battle… Maybe i was a psycho or mainly with a screwed up mind psychologically as says it my current pdoc… What? the meds dont help psychologically or what? i didnt know that…
Anyway, i really try to change now, but gosh, its painful still and very, very lonely… 
I really am sick emotionally and psychologically i guess, but i thought that there would have been more help from the meds on that too, while it wasnt the case… Its hard to fight my demons, to always try to lift myself by my own, with few support…
anyway, i dont complain now, i just say, that ive seen the hell, i was damn alone in it and now i try to change…
Idk if any of you all felt alone in his battle?.. There were times, when my mother kept saying, that i’ll always be sick and alone… Even my ex pdoc said, that i’ll always suffer, what the heck??? One of my symptoms is the despair, how could they have said that? they suck i guess, thats all…
anyway… my point is that now i am on kind of a crosspoint, where i should push on my own to be happier and stronger, but i feel very, very alone on that and am not sure of my strengths still…
Take care
I turned angry again now, because of all my lost time… I am paranoid then, because i still feel as a bad person with it… it shouldnt be like that…
Itll pass, in a few, there will be another state though, some stupor where i’ll have to sit and not move for some time…
I really took my responsability lately and i blame my suffering on my confused thinking, thats all… The problem is that i feel soo alone, youve read how is my mother… She saw me symptomatic since 20 years, maybe i should understand her, that she didnt believe in my recovery, no? 
But its terrible to have been so alone and isolated for 20 years… I wonder if you felt that too…Ive told you, for me it was a hit, that the meds didnt help me much… Now i am probably just traumatized by the whole loneliness and what ive known in my family… And maybe life is suffering too yeah, i was denying probably that too in the past…
dont be hard on me pls, ive never had a life, never… Now i grieve and its in my right, i became sick even physically too, this is a lot 
But who else has to fight on his won too, cause the meds dont help it all? Dont you get unsure abvout your strengths for it?
Ok, i also try to get past my bitterness from what ive knew, but it’ll take time and i hate that still lol…
This “confused thinking” could be BPD. I am not sure, but it is a pity that you don’t try CBT.
Me. I have to fight negative symptoms, sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety. Meds don’t cure everything. Yes, I have low self-confidence too. I try to set realistic goals for myself and fight to reach them.
Every day can be a crossroads. You choose again and again. I hope you make the good choices for yourself. 
Ok, thanks andrey 
Ok, i guess i am not alone yeah… Yeah, i can be a bpd, i dont see therapists, cause i am asgamed still by myself and paranoid… but i progress, really…
It feels sometimes like i need to become just a better person, but its not only that… i should learn to feel fine even when weak, cause some will live me as weak too, plus the human condition is like that too heh i became hard too, if you see…
Thanks that you are gentle to me now lol 
I soynded probably mean befire idk… but a 20 year old isolation would kill everyone…
I see for you, am wishing you all the best, more than yoyr symptoms too! 
Ill continue trying to get better too yeap i hate my somatic disirder tbh, but i just recently realuzed, that it was my mind doing that…
I was a very scared person, andrey, i was hating my days, i got to a pount, where i only wanted to sleep, where my days were all awful… now i push on that, i seek pleasure too heh…
Idk for the cbt, the cool pdoc who was swearing that i am not a sz, but bpd, saud also that the therapy wont help me… maybe he knew, that its up to me to stop the shytt, idk…
Ok, now i am kinda of “small” if you understand what i mean by that… maybe i lack energy etc…
Hugs to you
I think most of us have had to do a lot of recovery on our own. There are never enough resources for mental health issues.
Anna ive just realised you are from The Balkans, all this time your English is okay but sometimes not perfect
You have been struggling for years, its lonely spending so long struggling i know too i struggle for decades
Go easy on yourself do something nice for you and your loved ones
Oh, hi! Thank you 
Yeah, my english is not my language at all lol 
My mom is russian, my father was bulgarian, i grew up in Bulgaria. I speak french too though, i studied in France for 6 years, thats all… but enough on that.
Kay, i’ll try but i am so desperate about my future once again, i lack energy, my mind is numb and maybe mainly - my emotions… I get tired to struggle. Ya know, the pdoc who said, that i have the somatic disorder as well, told me, that the schizophrenics dont have that kind of suffering… I know you all suffer, but mine was real hell, its something to have been isolated for 20 years, this would kill any soul and body… am sad now, knowing that i could have fought earlier… I try to swallow that too i guess, the main problem though is that i become totally unfunctional every evening for some 6 hours and am in very deep pain then… I am also paranoid, but yeap, i can be a bpd… bpds have a bad fame, but i am a very good person now… I can eat myself from guilt of my thoughts only when talking on the phone to my friends…
whatever, maybe God will help me…i pray lately… But you can understand thats its lonely when you are fighting to be just fine, when you are almost alone since forever? its hell. i suffer physically too as ive said, my mind tricks me in soulaches etc…
All the best to you too, hugs!
Hugs 
and don’t give up you are a fighter, together we must continue fighting
Yes we have support but really it is down to ourselves. It’s so scary I can’t even express in words. But got to have faith. ®️
A human being is very strong, in my opinion. No one is responsible for your salvation but you- a quote I heard once. Now after thirty years+ medicine is not working as well as they once did. I am on a low dose too but that’s because higher doses are harmful to me. I take 10 mg zyprexa, 30 mg propranolol, 2mg Valium, and 5 mg Lexapro - all low dosed and I believe I could do well with 5 mg zyprexa if I could just sleep more.
Oh, thank you all, you are great to answering me
Idk, i was alone even here, around my sz sensations, the somatics etc…
Ive also declined a lot cognitively, some docs were shocked by my state if they really ever cared… but i am still learning to even talk, my mother used to say that I’ll never talk, cause she knew me like that since kid… 
what the heck??? 
maybe i lived in a ■■■■■■ up family yeah… my father trashing my 14 year old sisteruntil she has blood from her mouth…
He was probably brain washed, ive inherited some idk…
But ok, i understood recently finally, that life is unfair… i just never, never had anything, barely not even a kuss from a guy and i still have 100 symptoms in a day , while the time flies for me now… 
anyway… one ex pdoc was saying, that my zyprexa will help me to get better in years yeap… i am probably ill since kid so i never had a life and this was hell… 
We’ll see. Take your meds though! Id probably would be dead too without the zyprexa lol, my pdoc thinks that I’ll be in bed without it yeap… i stop eating and sleeping without it, thats all… but yeah, my mind and body are sick still, I’ll try to believe that I’ll have the strengths to feel well okay
I lately worry about other illnesses coming to me, cause i led a bad life, but we’ll see…
Oh, its really scary sometimes to count on your own just in order to be a good person with a healthy mind… i pay efforts now, for real, but i remain passive for hours too…
Whatevaa i really find, that my mind should come back one day to some decent intelligence etc, but i felt emotionally sick often too lol…
Ok, didnt want to occupy you with myself, am strange in my nights here just…
You warmed my heart today heh
What else? I wonder if my med isnt numbing me way too much, but the zyprexa is my med, am subscribed to it…
Take care all, i am still on the forum every day, maybe I’ll tell more of my experience one day too, if this can help somebody…
I have a support system but even then SZ is still alienating. They try to understand but it’s not possible unless you’ve lived with SZ.
Do you mean this religiously?
Salvation doesn’t always mean religion.
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