I am a bit desperate about my recovery

Well, its terrible. I waste my time here. Meds help only a bit, a very few. And about the efforts? Yeah… I try to chase my demons… My sadness, my rage, my envy. I chase my intellectual retardation… I am here as crazy trying to focus on all kind of info in order to feel something which is close to sanity, but its not happening. I go out sometimes, but the positive emotions doesnt come and doesnt… You say to me to make more efforts, but if it was to efforts, there would be no ill people no? Cause everybody can pay efforts no?.. Theres no point to look for new meds either. Some of them made me crazier, the others just dont work… But yes, i am scared that i cant think sometimes. Sometimes i cant feel too… I dont want to die alone. Without having felt the joy of living… And gosh, i am so aware that i am ill, it sux… I cant change myself on this… From this come all my fears and paranoia, yes… The good point is that you have an insight, but the bad is, that you cant go outside talking to the others, no…
My pdoc says sometimes meds put years to help. I guess she means, that with their help, ill end up by fighting even better, which will help more than anything… The problem is that i make few and the time is flying…
Is it typical for sz to ruminate like this or to talk to myself badly in my head? Idk, the thoughts are a hard thing, but i find myself dumb. And i still feel my brain in my head in the evenings from too much thinking… People say, that the head doesnt hurt from thinking, but i do only this sometimes, so it feels like this :smirk:
So why i didnt pay efforts as kid? Did i turn sz only cause i wasnt paying efforts? Yeah… But i am ill since kid. I was feeling irritability and even aversion often as kid… I felt all kind of shitty stuff too as guilt, shame, depression, low self esteem, impossibility to talk, i was skipping some info and the list goes on…
I am afraid cause now i count on my efforts. But as i said, it would have been too easy to heal the sz only with efforts, idk… But i could be wrong. Maybe, i never fighted before, no? And i should continue doing it? Give me support if you can too pls…
And also - its a dumb strange fact, that i never felt an ap, no? They were like candies for me… I say this is strange…

It does get better. It took me 6 years to get over the intrusive thoughts and derealization and depersonalization. I’m a nicer person now because of schizophrenia. I used to be ego-centric and only cared about myself and success. This illness humbles you.

I like Vraylar because it doesn’t worsen my negative symptoms. I’m on the max recommended dose and it helps with a lot of things. I actually enjoy and feel good taking it. Maybe look into when Vraylar comes out in your country.

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Insidemind, do you know something on this symptom of skipping a big part of my surrounding information? I am not very aware of this often, but i have it… I sometimes skip like 60% of the info around me. What about this?
Vraylar, yeah… Idk… Abilify worsened my paranoia, i think vraylar is like abilify a bit, idk…

Sort of like zoning out? Or not being able to cognitively follow a conversation? I had that. It gets better for most.

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Sort of not even hear what the others say on the tv for example… Just hear one part of the phrase, but not the other… Maybe zoning ouy yeah… But i lived like this for sooo long, my brain remained inactive like this for so long, that it will take time… I dont have this time inside, i am 36… No one will need me as a partner in my fifties… Or maybe some, but ill would have missed the best years…

And thank you for answering me already :grinning: … I am quite alone the most of the time. The people here also got a bit tired from me.

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Plus i am ill since kid. I am afraid that the damages on my brain are important. For my character, i work on this, but when you think as a dummy is hard too.

I know antipsychotics doesn’t work for everbody, which is sad. But have you tried therapy? And what has already been said, it does get better over time.

Aww @Anna1, I don’t think anyone’s tired of you, please don’t think that. Oftentimes, I just don’t know what to say. I’ve never been isolated as you have, and I don’t often have any of those psychosomatic symptoms, so I can’t relate there either. Trust me though, we all want you to get better. Has your pdoc ever tried more than one AP at the same time?

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Anna, you have to try to get better,

You can’t just rely on medication and time.

You need to get out and start making some changes if you want to see progress.

You can start by just getting yourself out of those four walls and walk around your yard, but it has to start somewhere.

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I made two stops of bus by feet today goldenrex… But not more than this. And i wasnt better after this, thats why i am desperate. I go out sometimes now. Alone, only in my neighbourhood… So this is smth but its few…
Yeah circle, i pretty much lived in isolation for 17 years, i am sad and ragy now only thinking of it :disappointed_relieved: who can understand this? No one…

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Once is not enough,

You need to do it everyday to make a difference.

I think getting out is amazing, even if it’s only in your neighborhood That said, change is not going to happen overnight. It is slow and sometimes painful. Have you ever watched this show called “My 600-lb Life?” It’s like that. Our meds are like the weight loss surgery. It helps us a lot, but it won’t help much unless you make changes to your lifestyle (in this case, eating healthier foods and consuming fewer calories).

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I’m desperate for recovery too. Medication makes things so hard. But it may be necessary. Apparently it is so yea.
Today I barely felt medicated for three hours it was amazing!

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I do it now like three times in the week, smth like this. But i know that with this tempo, ill be recovered in my sixties maybe idk. But why my thinking is so screwed up? Because of the isolation in your opinion? But even me, i need a break, some nice word from somebody here irl… I dont have a partner anymore, i never had one except for a bit of sex. But yeah, its to blame me a bit too, cause in the past, i was unable to love too… I had confused or inexistant emotions to love… I spent years chasing a guy who didnt love me. But i wish i feel sometimes for a half of day what is to be ok, not just for ten minutes…

Yeah, i am just an e.t. with so much years of isolation… I dont blame myself on this, but its hard when the others doesnt understand why i closed myself years ago. Have my negatives and you would have done the same… I dont have a clue what is to have voices though and i am too dumb to imagine it. But even on this forum, i feel ultra alone with my isolation. The years flew like this… And i guess that now, i am in quite terrible shape… What only helps on tjis in when the others encourage me to not sorry about this isolation…

Hey :grinning: yeah, even if they help a bit, its already smth. Me, i stop eating without my meds…

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I eat less more easily without my meds… That was nice…

Yeah, but for me i stop completely. It was deadly. I also have some other stuff without meds, which wasnt human at all. I feel like dying without meds… And what i feel in my body off meds was shocking…

If u ever come off them I hope its very slowly over lots of time that might help. Under pdocs approval