I am desperate tonight about my recovery

Yeap… I am tired of having hope, without efficacy. I am tired of giving hope to my other ill friends, while me, I am stuck in my house since 17 years. I go out a bit, but it never helps me in long term. I have to recover on emotions, on my thinking, on my personality, on my symptoms and this is too much… I am afraid that my years of isolation make the things hard to recover. I am like an animal outside. I guess for the others, it looks like this. My last friend, which I see and who is ill too, said to me, that she has no hope for me. Yeah… Theres no lover at all on my side and there wont be any. I am too sick of this. Plus, I cant be with somebody just for my recovery, without feelings. And my feelings are just a mess now. Sometimes they are dulled, sometimes they are confused or savage ones, often its the impossibility to love, cause I degraded on every healthy human aspect.
For you here, who have it lighter - just fight! Fight, cause its very hard to be on my place. No social environnement, poor health, no lovers, no job and just a bunch of painful symptoms and the despair…
My illness is a faith. I was sick since too early. But I should have thought of being taken in charge earlier.
Ill continue fighting I guess in the day, but I have so many problems now, that its freaking. and I cant take care of them, cause I am paranoid from the people(doctors) or I am just too sad to socialize.
Who here is lonely tonight too? My girl friends just get prettier, cause they take care of themself. and me, I cant cause too anxious around the specialists that I need. I should see a dermatologist, a dentist, a generalist, a gynecologist and I just don’t want to now :cry: .
Pls, don’t push me with one ‘‘just do it’’. I am tired of being paranoid.
take care

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Maybe I am unreasonable. Maybe its one of my symptoms and I am not even aware of this. So sorry. But I wish I would feel ok sooner. I have not a lot of time in front of me to change my life. And its just beyond my forces now. I am tired of being a soldier…

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You know, one pdoc told me, that they gave me too many meds too. I really tried all the possible aps on the market here. They are around 11 here, I tried them all. so I keep my Zyprexa. But idk, I wish I feel something normal already. In my state, I have many phases, so maybe its difficult to heal them all.
Loners here tonight? when I was younger, i complained a lot to my friends, that i feel bad. They never said to me to see a pdoc. Its not good to blame, but they laughed when i was diagnosed. They said to me, ‘‘that now i am diagnosed’’… yeah… and now i am just a patient with a bunch of health problems.

I feel bad now. Nobody is answering. You all have problems here i guess. I wonder if besides the sz, i have borderline too. My personality is a ■■■■ tbh…

I’m not in any position to offer good advice, but I want you to know that I hear you and hope you feel better :purple_heart:
We’re listening, even if we can’t help.


One thing at a time. If you think about everything, it’s overwhelming. So pick one thing, break that into steps, and do step 1.

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How are your positive symptoms @Anna1 ? Do you have any hallucinations or do you hear voices ? Do you have any delusions ?

Maybe ill get better slowly with time. All my pdocs ended up by saying to be patient and make efforts. Maybe even in my writing here, you can see, that i am confused now, lol.
Thank you honeys too :slight_smile: . Otherwise, i was having this pain in my soul since kid. I say its strange. I struggled with the positive emotions since very early. I guess those negatives made me dumb, yeap.
I don’t understand how i can be schizophrenic since kid, but my mother says its possible.

No hallucinations, neither voices everhopeful! Really. I find myself more dumb on the reality, than delusional on it. But i have paranoia and some fears around the others. Maybe i have more some false beliefs on the reality too. I also have problems with my emotions, with my senses too.

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That’s really good. The meds are working then. So you’re “just” stuck with negative symptoms. Negative symptoms are very difficult to treat though.

nope, ever… i never had hallucinations, neither voices. Its not my illness. Once my pdoc told me, that i am sz with mostly negative symptoms. I feel alone on this sometimes :confused: .

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the paranoia is a positive symptom too. My thinking is bad too.

I get confused who’s Anna and who’s Anna1

I think you should listen to mostly those on the site who are well enough to comment.

Many of us have survival instincts, if not, we wouldn’t even be on the site.

Ok, @Daze . I am the anna who was diagnosed with negative symptoms. I really never had hallucinations or voices. I feel too dumb even for this lol… I was very, very unhappy kid, who couldn’t even talk very well. I spent a terrible childhood. With a father who was beating with cruelty my mom and my sister. Now, my mom says that theres no guilty for my state. She also says that with my isolation, ill never have a family or friends or a job. I was less than spoiled, so i battle my emotions toward the other humans who are free and happy. and sometimes, i just get lonely and scared from my passivity. But when i am bedridden, i cant do much. Cause i somatize till hell. I am 36 old, my periods stopped because of the meds, so i worry a loot, yeap…

currently in the evening, i worry about this fragility, which i wear, which makes me quite unfunctional. I wonder if ill be strong enough one day for long term. but whatever. Those meds have the interest to work one day. I find, that i change now, but still i cant see what is an ok state. and its been like this since decades.

Have you tried abilify ?

yes. it makes me more paranoid and anxious.

What dose were you on ?

i tried it twice. it was one pill. around 15 mg i think. No, its really not my med. When i am ill, i start to worry so badly, that i cant get up from the bed. its racing thoughts, my thoughts start to run in my head without an end. my speech gets like this too, i jump from a thing to another. i also start to vomit without my Zyprexa.

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Are you on an antidepressant?