Tough Love and Money Fears

My mother just informed that later this week; she will take her name off my account. I guess this is good and bad. I already talked to another bank about setting up an account in my name only after I get my Social Security deposit later this month. Perhaps, the main thing has been her obsession and fear about my account. First, she says, since I have moved, I have spent money “wildly” and she is seriously afraid for her “credit score.” Second, she is upset that I have denied her requests for assisting in “managing my account.” I feel that this assistance would be harmful to me and would be remindful of the unsuccessful times my father tried to teach how to drive! He realized that he was too close to the situation to do me any good and that it might harm our relationship. I have told her that I have been looking for someone to assist me in this endeavor; but, most of my energy has been focused on getting “stabilized” again after some poor “doctoring.” Now, she says this is :TOUGH LOVE!" I contend that tough love is very dangerous to those who have been diagnosed with schizophrenia. Our brains are so fragile and so very sensitive to criticism. My mother has become so obsessed with my bank account; that she will consider that over any other aspects of my well-being; eating, sleeping; hygiene; the state and health of my brain! So, now, she is taking me to the bank; so that she can take her name off my account, and I can be heartily criticized; and experience “TOUGH LOVE!” She always did say that I was “manipulating” her; since, I started getting sick as a child. I have no friends. I have my beloved cat! I have a therapist. I am alone and since I seem to have “hurt” her so very much; I do not have a mother. Since, she is more concerned with herself than anything else; including me, I guess I will remain alone in my schizophrenic misery. I also have manic depression which like the schizophrenia comes and goes and many times; it is all convoluted all at once. Who do I turn to? My beloved feline!

Welcome, hopefully this site will make you feel less alone and give you support like it has for many other people. I like having my own money and my own bank account. Banking is not really that hard or complicated. I do online banking. It is very simple and I can view the balance in my account and see where I’m spending all my money with a few clicks. There is a $14.00 fee each month but to me the convenience is worth paying the $14.00. Yeah, tough love is a bad idea for us.

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1st thing this post was hard to read because it’s all in one blob no breaks or line spaces.

I have always had control over my own finances, which are prob better than my retired mothers. esp my credit score.

I guess some people become fixated about things, that doesn’t necessarily mean your doing anything wrong.

Maybe you should speak with your therapist about voluntary work or a club that you might enjoy? I work about 7hrs a week for 2 different charities doing admin and peer support!

My brother who has bp disorder is especially reckless with money when he is in manic phases. I for one would not have a joint account with his name on it.

He’s filed for bankruptcy twice, and I recall my father’s frustration when he continually over drafted his checking account as my father deposited money in his leaky sieve.

Although it hurts sometimes tough love is all a caregiver can think to do in some situations.

I think that most of the responses have been helpful. Yours is not so helpful. One person agreed with me that "tough love was not good for us. " I think you meant well; but, it still hurts.

I agree with Maggotbrane on this one. As a caregiver you have to set boundaries with your loved one and in this case she’s setting a financial one. This reminds me of the situation we have with a family member who is a drug addict. At some point the family had to stop enabling them, Naranon calls it “healthy helping” instead of tough love.


sometimes these things just happen in life but its not worth falling out over,

i would try and be amicable and do as she says bc she is your mother i guess

also it would really bother me if i had a joint bank account with someone bc i would get really paranoid about it, i never had a joint bank account ever and i would never get one even if i was married bc of this reason,

me and my friend occasionally have a few fights about money but we always work it out and thats even without a joint bank account so imagine what we’d be like with one.

so i guess i am against the whole joint bank account thing, sorry lol

Sorry to hear that. I was not making a judgement in your case, just saying that tough love is a response my family takes with my brother. Being helpful isn’t always telling people what they’d like to hear.

I really don’t have enough info of both sides of your case to comment other than to say most caregivers here take more control of finances rather than less in situations like yours. Be glad you are given the freedom to manage your money yourself rather than have it doled out in small amounts.

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Do you use mobile banking, so at least you can see what you have spent and on what?

Some of my friends who have manic episodes do this, I seem to manage fine without any intervention!

My mother is not my caregiver. I do not have a drug or alcohol problem. We only shared a bank account in case something happened to me and a bill needed to be paid. She has been harassing me about money ever since I moved and got my own place. She is obsessed with money. We can be having a relatively congenial mother/ daughter conversation that will immediately turn horribly nasty when the conversation turns to money. She says this is “tough love” which I do believe is very dangerous to those who suffer from schizophrenia; but, this is being done to protect her overly fearful self. She is eighty years old and my dad died two years ago. Since, his death, she has become obsessed with money. One evening when we were discussing what we were having for dinner; she dropped in the tagline, “within my budget.” I already been considering obtaining my own bank account with another bank that I do business “with.” I was waiting until I received my Social Security deposit at the end of this month. They seemed very helpful, and encouraging. Perhaps, most mean-spirited on her part, is that she brought this up on a day when I am unable to reach my therapist; because they are closed due to the wintry weather. I do see him on Thursday; although, it will be the coldest day in about twenty years. She doesn’t care about anything else about me except this money thing; not if I am eating, sleeping, taking my meds or anything else. Although, she does worry if I am taking enough meds to not “Yell at her and “hurt” her” She does worry more about herself than me. So, I am alone in the world; except for my beloved cat. Right now, I am “confined” to my apartment because of the wintry weather. I was going to work on cleaning up my “disastrous mess” but I was so “upset” after talking with my mother; all I could do today was lie there in my bed. I had the tv on, and was not asleep; but I have no idea what I was watching. Once, I had my sister; but, she died thirteen years ago. I do not mean to sound so “depressing.” I just feel so restless and locked up this evening. And, I have no where to go. Why did she talk so crazy to me on a day when she knew I couldn’t get much help? Oh. you know what she said to me, “Oh, you can talk to your therapist.” It’s cold, it’s Tuesday, and I don’t know what to do.

A day program sounds like it would be good for you. Or even a support group of some kind. I know from experience that isolating can drive you batty. Like my sisters tell me, it’s bad for even a non-schizophrenic to spend too much time alone cooped up in a house. For us it’s even worse. I love my mom-but she can drive me crazy. But she is almost 80 and I will overlook a lot and try to get along with her because she does not have long on this planet. I already lost my dad. I do not want to take my mom for granted. She has done a lot for me and old age is hard enough on her. Maybe your mom is really afraid of being bad off financially which is normal. It’s hard to be older and not have any money. Non-schizophrenics don’t realize how sensitive we can be. We can obsess about what someone says to us while a “normal” person will let it roll right off of their back. Yeah, you need to get out.