My therapist has pointed out that I’m going through the process of mourning my old self.
It’s true–I’ve been cycling pretty consistently through the five stages of grief. I bargain with reality–playing the “if only” game, which inevitably leads back to the nonnegotiable fact that I cannot go back in time. My psychosis was drug-induced so I get trapped in this one quite a bit.
I also get angry, “why me”, etc. and cry about how unfair it all is. And on days when I just don’t feel strong enough to deal, I settle down into the soft crib of denial and pretend like nothing at all has changed.
Most of the time, though, I’m just depressed. I know I need to accept that my old self is gone and is not coming back. I need to accept “the new normal.” It’s just been very, very hard.
Some days, I mourn how productive and fearless I used to be. But now, I’ve come to realize there are things about my current self I like better. I used to be kind of mean to people about their emotions, because I didn’t understand them. Now, I know what it’s like to struggle, so I’m more patient and accepting.
I just miss reading…before I got sick I used to read all the time…long novels are something that intimidates me now…no concentration… @green5 she said she can read now but she had to try a lot am I right green6?
I’m somewhere between depression and acceptance. I’ve been dealing with lessened mental capabilities for a while, harder holding a conversation, explaining things verbally out loud. My writing and language abilities are still adequate, which fools people into thinking I’m smarter than I am.
I’m just glad that I haven’t felt a dip in cognition for over ten years, and that I found a medication that works well enough for me not to get worse, so far. I guess I’m lucky things weren’t worse. I can imagine it being so if I ever did drugs or was into getting drunk or other high risk behavior. Knock on wood.
Eventually, after having halted mental deterioration, and even seeming to reverse some of my mental blocks by not overthinking every little thing, i feel like I’m smarter than I’ve ever been. I was sharp as a younger guy, but in many ways I was really dumb, looking back.
I have been mourning my old self since I was at least 13.
Probably got over that one by being alone again. So I FEEL like my old self from the hood.
Now days I mourn other stuff. I think I might be at the acceptance stage. I was on my way home today and telling myself “it’s my fault”. Some things were out of my control, but that is exactly why it is my fault. I still acted how I did. I still made that person hurt.
My old self was really bitter and weight obsessed. I’m glad I’m not either of those things anymore. I feel like I’m more compassionate now. But it was nice to be a able to think of myself as not being mentally ill.
I sometimes think about the old self. At times I’ll be driving and I’ll just start crying. I pity what I’ve become, a shell of a once vibrant life. But take heed! Mourn the loss and move forward. There’s so much life has to offer, go out there and find things that ease the pain.
I do have problems with identity but they really aren’t severe. I seem to have dodged most major trauma and depression caused by the illness, maybe because I don’t have much negative symptoms. I just feel less able to accomplish my goals than before. In many ways I developed new aspects of identity through therapy and experiences and friends.
I miss my old self so much, no people harassing me, no intrusive thoughts, not afraid of watching tv, was more out going and confident, no scary people after me
I think I’m over wanting to go back. I rarely think about what I would have been like if I hadn’t gotten ill. I was doing well in some ways, but I made a lot of poor decisions and had more problems, psychiatric and otherwise, then I ever realized or admitted.
I’m doing pretty well. I’ve read a little bit about the study drug I’m on and I’m very hopeful that it will eventually be marketed. It seems very promising.
I will always have certain issues to deal with, but I feel I am making good strides.
I really did mourne the loss of my old self. I remember going in the bedroom my wife was looking through an old photo album, tears running down her cheeks. I did reinvent myself aND my wife and I fell in love again. But it is life altering and you just have to roll with it, accept it, and move on
YES.