I am in the same boat my friend. Been mentally unwell since at least 11 and now at 21 I feel like a scared little girl who has all these responsibilities and is expected to ‘adult’ when nobody ever taught me.
I have no clue at this point what is a part of my personality and what is just part of my mental illness. The only time I wasn’t sick was when I was a child, and those memories are very vivid. Once I got sick it was all just a blur.
There is times where I really don’t know anything about myself. I don’t know my hobbies, my goals (short term or long term) my identity in general. It’s very fragile.
The thing I regret most in life is being young and trying to grow up fast. I remember people always saying stuff like that. ‘Don’t grow up too fast!’ ‘Enjoy being a kid while you can’ I wish I could have listened better. Now I feel like I’m still desperately clinging to my childhood.
I still trick or treat, I still only eat sandwiches if they’re cut in a triangle. I still watch cartoons everyday and cry at everything and like to play with toys.
I need my mum to help me with a lot of things. I can’t make phone calls and appointments, I’ve never paid taxes and I sure as hell cant responsibly spend or budget money. I’ve bought cute stickers and trinkets instead of the food and toilet paper I needed. (Not to mention maxed out a credit card and have many payments I never intend to make)
which is sad because my adolescence was robbed from me by my mental illness. Instead of enjoying the ages of 11-now I was very unwell and didn’t enjoy a thing. I wasn’t very childlike then. Maybe that’s why the way I am now.