I was never really self aware until I got put on antipsychotics. My family and I suppose I’ve had this since I was a little girl. Been showing signs since then. So don’t have an old self to mourne.
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I mourn that ill never have a family, that i thought i would, society has changed, i cant keep up. There is always someone harssing, hating or manipulating, laughing at my foolishness. Its scary.
Sometimes i feel normal but then i realise i am not.
I mourn my old self after things that happened that was and was not my fault.
Anyone reading this who is judging, let me expess and get the support i need. Talking helps me. I always hide amd you always find me. Go away if your not on my side. Peace 
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I don’t mourn my old self because I’m happy also in this new self. 
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I tend to think it’s all continuous. I had “prodromal” symptoms from birth. My first big episode happened at 24yo, but I was never counseled to mourn the loss of my old self. Instead, “The psychosis is not me. It is the illness.” I.e., don’t identity self with the delusions, hallucinations, etc. “Know me as a person, not by my diagnosis.” I believe this to be more constructive.
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I thought they meant the same thing when I wrote this, but I looked it up and they do mean different things! Grief is what you think and feel on the inside, and mourning is the expression of that grief, through crying, talking, writing, etc. So one is internal and one is external.
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I used to be a bit dismissive and judgmental. Now I have considerably more empathy for people and their unique life experiences. So I guess that’s one good thing. Although I can’t say I wouldn’t trade it to go back to how I was before…
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That’s kind of how I feel right now…
I sometimes drive and cry too. I’m always hearing songs that remind me of the “old days” and I feel like the old me is so close I can almost reach across the divide and become that person again. I remember so vividly what it felt like to be me, to actually feel alive. Then I sit there feeling the emptiness and devastation that this illness has wrought, the cognitive confusion and the negative symptoms. It’s heartbreaking. I hope I can move on someday soon.
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Yes I do in fact, I wrote many poems about this.
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Dunno about my case.
My own voice sounds bigger to myself. Stronger. Definitely a different state than the old. Like being enlightened. A Phoenix from the ashes.
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Nothing is really normal or simple. It is meaning we give to things.
Nothing is really perfect. But that doesn’t mean you should give up.
Work on getting closer to perfection.
Improvement is anything but linear and smooth.
There are ups and downs. In improvement.
It is not easy. It doesn’t have to. There is no physical or natural law which states so.
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yes a little bit, i know i missed the fact that i was going to school and working at a big name super store. i was going to school for the computer electrical engineering and was four classes short of graduating. then i got a job and worked lawn and garden both has a sales associate and a cashier. i then i got put on third shift and i got sicker and got fired. i miss being able to work. i use to be intelligent.i passed college physics with an A minus.
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I was only 14 when I started hearing voices. So it’s not like I had built up a life.
I had few friends even before. Most of the boys in my class were total douschebags.
In some ways I functioned better soon after diagnosis than now. With certain things I could have laser like focus. I was much better at reading. But the voices caused more trauma and tricked me more often.
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I think, for my part, my manliness was repressed (pushed back) from the time of puberty. I wasn’t allowed to mature normally by my abusive and neglecting parents. Right now, I can hear how my voice rumbles as a grown man; a man fed on reading Rice novels just prior to puberty.
It’s like rejoining with the 12yo me who didn’t get the chance to mature. But now I do. Ha-ha, I don’t look any different!
PS. Vraylar’s effect on me, too, after 2.5 mos.
They are the same.
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Because of my illness and experiences, I have had to mourn some messed up stuff, including the loss of my old self
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I have indeed for a time there.
I’m mostly who I was before… and I don’t miss being me… but I still get frustrated that the person who was me had to go through that experience. There were zero people in my life that had any experience with mental illness.
I had to go through that ■■■■ alone… they’re lucky I sorted it out… because there are times where the need for vengeance against their dumb asses almost makes suicide sound worth while.
Then I realize they are already, mystified, disappointed, confused, and angry in themselves… so me dying off really won’t change anything.
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How would it? Just one less Azley in the world. Chances are, your match flame is snuffed and lights out. Not worth it.
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I have mourned the old me in down moments. But when I step back I’m ok with all of the me’s. Yeah I suppose I’m right where I was supposed to be at this point in time, and it’s alright. What might look like steps backwards to others on the surface might really have been deeper growth underneath it all. So I’m ok where ever life finds me. I’ll say it again, it was all experience, and I’m not going to question it.
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