I think i’m going through the grieving process again for this illness dx. It’s really hit me hard this semester now that I’m so close to graduation that I’ll never be that same person I was 3.5 years ago before my 1st hospitalization and dx psychosis. I mean I was sick at ages 18-20 but never sought help, but then had 10 somewhat “normal” years.
I’m about 60% of my pre-illness functioning, which I guess isn’t all that bad, but it’s so hard not to compare myself to before. I really wonder how much is the med and how much is the illness? It almost makes me want to stop taking my pills… in fact due to the sexual difficulties I’ve decided to titrate down the zoloft to see if that helps even though I don’t see the pdoc until next month, then I’m going to ask to up the wellbutrin. Sure I should probably talk to the doc 1st before meddling myself.
My therapist cancelled my appt last week because she had to go to court. I was so angry when I heard this, I finally made this appt after a while of trying to get a hold of her. New appt this Friday, it seems like she’s cancelled on me before too, must be a Friday thing.
Anyone else grieving over there illness? Or have a loss of sense of self?
I was shocked at first when i realized that i would be on meds all my life. Then i accepted because my character changed so much. People go through change all their life and you need to make peace with these changes. Some people lose their vision, lose close people, go through tough times, etc and lifw goes on. You’re not supposed to be the same person you were before whether good or bad, c’est la vie
[quote=“Skims, post:1, topic:34141”]
Anyone else grieving over there illness? Or have a loss of sense of self?
[/quote]Definitely. I’m thinking of ways to be constructive in society yet; not all hope is lost, but it’s definitely irritating. I feel 30-40% my pre-SZ self. I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I wake up tired, I go to bed tired, and when I do things during the day, I’m just flat out tired.
I just feel like I’m being exhausted to death by this defective brain. Hell, in sleep states I am alive & well. Why? Why not share some of that vitality with the present world in the present moment? I just don’t get it; and neuroscientifically there is no sense to any of it.
Can hardly wait to die, not that I’m suicidal. It’d be nice just to genuinely be “asleep” from all the oppression.
Oh man, I just got out of denial, a couple of months ago. I’m still in a bit of a shock and with this major depression just because of the diagnosis. The thing is I lived so long with the illness without realizing it was an illness that all the little quirks of the illness are now starting to show themselves. I hate it, wish I didn’t have it. I went back to school now, started classes on monday, and I’m terrified of a relapse during the next 5 years I’ll be studying. I don’t want more psychosis, I’m happy with meds, no demons, no delusions and no more paranoia. I’m okay on living with meds for the rest of my life, for now.
The first real class will be tomorrow morning, I’ll keep you posted. For now it was just introduction and it went really well, cool classes, cool colleagues and we have a mascot dog in the class, it’s pretty cool.
I wish I could be the way I was at times but other times I think I have admirable traits now as part of this illnesses humility it’s brought me. I sort of wanted it this way…could’ve done without the pain and suffering but I think I’ve finally found what I was searching for. I still have anxiety but I’m more comfortable in my skin. And happy, for once. With who I am where I’ve been and how I feel.
I have my grieving and depression moments but I also have moments where I’m glad to know what was happening to me and that I can take steps to improve my condition. I’m finding going to groups and meetings with others suffering the same problems is helping me. Not only can I relate to their stories but I can find out ways to diminish the problems.
Back in the grips of the grief cycle again. It’s hit me hard this weekend. My bfn said the words aloud, I’ve realized this is a permanent condition, not temporary or fixable.