almost every evening I thought of suicide. its like this since 15 years I guess. now I am on my 34. I start to understand that the struggle is not always the issue. we need peace also… but I only see my mother and she always pushes me to go out. honestly, I am too tired or too scared to go out sometimes… I feel my brain in the head, really… the reason- maybe I think too much… its not positive thinking, its fear from the future with this diagnosis, the fear to stay alone if my mom passes away :/. my ex pdoc said once that ill always have my negatives symptoms… what the hell? will ill always live between these 4 walls? are there other schizophrenics like this? I am sad and tired, yes… since 4 months Ive forbidden myself to think negatively but the damage is here with all my bad past years… I go down and down sometimes. does the meds hel to this point only - just to be on my feet in my apartment and not lying in the bed like before them? I precise, just 4 months that I got on them. maybe its too soon I dont know, but I count on them, yes… no money for psychotherapy neither motivation… sometimes I feel like a bad person, cause I have the impression that I am false when trying to comfort some other ill people. my situation is not better than theirs… I have a lot of friends who commited suicide… i dont know anymore how to feel etc etc…
I think you have a lot of negative criticism in your life that you latch onto. You need to learn to let that stuff go. You need to learn to say “YES I CAN DO IT” rather than listening to outside forces that you can’t. This is something I’ve only learned recently. Also you need to SMILE. I’ve seen your pics and your a pretty girl but you don’t smile. I have trouble smiling too, so we both need to work on that. Good luck, and I think the negative symptoms are a real thing, but a lot of it is in your head. I have negative symptoms, i’m free from positive symptoms but still have the negative ones, but I will myself to do stuff. Get out of my comfort zone. It’s not as scary as it seems once you do it. I think your moms right about that. Good luck 
yeah, i know for the smile. i smile more in real life now than the last years. but its tiring to force yourself when the fact is that i cant smile since my 13 years old age… you see? i dont see the light anymore with this illness… all my relatives are so desperate for me… my sister called me a zombie, she always knew me in this state…
Don’t worry be happy
Yeah I didn’t look in the mirror unless the lights were off from age 14-18, so I definitely wasn’t smiling. I lost all sense of identity by not looking in the mirror. Smiling is hard. I feel I look corny when I smile. I know your pain in it.
and why you stopped smiling? a hard life or just the illness? i am not sure if your father was beating your sister and your mother with years if you could have been smiling too… i am not saying this is the reason for me but it made me sad. i know, i should get nasty know if i want to go better but there is so much work still for me…
p.s… so schizophrenia hit you early in your age too? gosh…its awfull…
a hard life and the illness
my family doesn’t have history of physical abuse, but i had some trauma young
and yeah i first heard voices and ghosts at 15 years old whenever i was alone, and had delusions and hallucinations since 14-15 years old too. Lost completely touch with reality by 16.
I know you said you smoked weed? I think the weed helped a little, but made other things worse. Do you think the same thing? Or was it all bad with weed for you? I’m sober now by the way
Honestly, this is how I see you’re situation. You have depression, social anxiety, and schizophrenia, and it makes things that would be easy for most people very difficult for you. You don’t want to put forth the extra effort required to do those things. It makes sense, because it is so much harder for you. But at some point, you are going to have to decide that you’re ready to start trying. Your life is never going to get better until you decide to make it better.
i had really nice trips on weed. but i had also really bad derealisations. plus with the illness, i ve often stayed alone while smoking, only with the tv and the internet for 6 years. i wasn’t diagnosed at this moment when i smoked… maybe it made the things worse, i am not sure… i quit smoking after the diagnosis but i missed it psychologically. i even had some moments that i thought i can feel the smell of the weed but it was just smoke from cigarettes - things like this yeah… 
were you medicated at your age of 15? me i guess, i live too much in my head but its just some stupid thoughts, nothing positive, nothing creative…
Negative symptoms are hard to treat. I had a weird prognosis of either doing really well or dying by middle age. I have low negative and very high positive symptoms (the damn women laughing when I made a C on a practice test after reading the materials once in three hours) and stuff like that.
That stuff can be brushed off as ■■■■■■■ annoying and I carry on, but negative symptoms are different. Ultimately you will probably need supports and maybe an antidepressant. It’s a different type of illness, hardly even the same when negative and positive symptoms are reversed. The treatment plans are very different. Caffeine seems to be somewhat helpful to some, it can be like an antidepressant for some. But real intervention by a pdoc is gonna have to happen.
My official “diagnosis date” is may of 2005…that’s when my doctor estimated my onset was. I was 14 then. But I never saw a Pdoc to be prescribed meds until I was 19…almost 20, when the symptoms got too bad. That was the biggest mistake, not having earlier intervention.
yes, i know. you cant see a schizophrenia if its so early… for my mother, its delicate situation to put someone on meds when he is so young…
cj i am sad when you say this. its like listening to my mother… i just cant feel but maybe it can come. at some point, i event cant feel my meds. i know its the case when you are in a bad state…
thanks for the understanding to you all… maybe there is a chance for the meds to work better one day. i tried a lot of them in the past. almost every antipsychotic here… for how long they started to work for you?
Hey Anna, I just wanted to say
ha samp, its funny,thanks!!! 
you’re 34 years old Anna?
time to find your own place if you can?
yeh it’s scary, you imagine all bad ■■■■, but it probably won’t happen
having your own place is great
sleep when you want, wake when you want, eat when you want and what you want
noone looking over you and critisising
just a thought?
EDIT if it doesn’t work out, you can just return to the family home?
prospero, i have my own apartment so i dont bother my mother. but we are in the same building and i see her everyday for 2 hours approximatively… i am just scared that if i stay alone, i wouldnt be capable of going out to buy some food… my moms says to me that i am a parasite… plus the fact that like this, i see a person for the day but maybe i am too dumb, maybe i could handle myself alone, dont know… i have also this kind of symptom sometimes that i almost want to fuse with my mother. i cry for her hard life sometimes but i know that it sucks and its not normal this feeling. but oh yes, i got this also in the past…
k i didn’t know you had your own apartment
it seems wrong to me that your mom calls you a parasite 
you don’t seem dumb at all to me Anna, in fact you seem to have a lot of awareness, which many people don’t
but why she talks to me like this? is it common to be like this among the parents of schizophrenics? ok, in the past i denigrated every progress for my well being but i feel so guilty just to stay at my house without helping her with the food and everything else :(.
my own family are not very good. they don’t support me as a schizophrenic, but worse, they treat me like an idiot. even my mom does
as a schizophrenic, it seems that some families are supportive, and some are not