ACE and aversion to sex

I know a few of you on here are asexual. I haven’t had sex since 2015. I am female. I just started again on a dating site. I met a man and we had coffee. He then invited me to come to his house for dinner. I went to his house a couple days later. He made a very nice dinner and then kissed me and groped me and asked me to go upstairs to his bedroom with him. I said I wasn’t ready. I am very grateful that he accepted that and was polite. He has since then texted me asking when I am going to stay the night. I told him yesterday that I am not ready for sex. He texted me back saying he can’t believe it has been years for me and that he would love to reintroduce me to sex and he also said he is “really good at it”. I have actually enjoyed my reprieve from sex over the last few years. For the record, I have a normal libido and enjoy sex, just not with other people.
I like this man,from what I know of him so far, but I am NOT excited to have sex with him and he is anxiously waiting for that. I am certain that if I told him I don’t want sex, he wouldn’t want to see me anymore. I am on an asexual dating site but there is nobody on there. I am just rambling. It is very hard to find a man that is OK with no sex. I know @ninjastar has luckily found a man that respects when she doesn’t want it but I have not been so lucky.
That is my dream; to find a man that doesn’t want sex, lol. I could probably ‘bargain’ with him and do it twice a week to keep him happy but this man has already said he wants to make love every night. That’s way out of my reach. Sad…:frowning:


I’m not really an expert in this field anymore, but I think that you need to be honest with him about your feelings on this sooner rather than later. You kind of just are delaying the inevitable if you do not want to have sex. If you are willing to quote “bargain” with him, that is up to you, but I think that you need to be honest about it regardless of the consequences so that you don’t waste your or his time on a relationship that may not work out because of your differences here. Just my opinion.


Thanks for your opinion. I am working up the nerve to tell him. I have told other men and it ended up in a debate because they couldn’t understand why I don’t like it or want it and suggesting I haven’t found the right man to please me etc. I am just gun-shy but you’re right. I need to tell him and just deal with the consequences.


I’d ditch that guy! He’s an absolute jerk. Huge red flags. Run! Don’t walk


Hmm. Difficult position.
He wants, you don’t want.

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For most people a sexless monogamous relationship is a contradiction in terms. Personally I wouldn’t bother looking for a partner unless I was interested in having sex with other people.


I haven’t had sex with my wife or anyone else since 2002, or 19 years ago.
Because my wife only wanted sex to have a child.
I am not actually bothered by not ever having sex with another person, but my wife won’t do anything sexual at all, which I wish she would.
I don’t believe in forcing anyone to do something that they don’t want to, but I treat everyone like that.


If that’s really your dream, then maybe this is not the right guy for you. There are men who are not that interested in sex. But I think my original comment is the correct one. You need to make it clear if you do not want to have sex, so that you can both move on IMO.

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I’m not an expert either, but if you want to know my opinion, I think that the guy you’re dating is a little too interested in sex too early. What I mean is that if he is already texting and asking about it on the second date, it doesn’t seem to me like he is a person Who would want to be in a sexless relationship. But I can be wrong. You know him, I don’t.


Sorry if I’m missing anything, but why do you think that? What has he done (except from wanting sex)?

He said he is very good at it…
It’s disgusting…


Okay I missed that

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I’m on the Bumble dating app and it has a BFF mode (friend mode) where you can find men and/or women that are looking for companionship/friendship but not sex.


It sounds like he’s not on the same page as you.

I can promise you there are men who don’t want sex everyday because I am one of them. My reset time is about 4 days, and once a week would suit me very well.

I imagine that ‘guys who want sex instead of a relationship’ will be over-represented in your inbox, so you might have to fail a few times before you find someone compatible.


He’s pressuring you to have sex even though you said you don’t want it. He’s just trying to use you

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I think something like this might be a good idea for you @non-average . It really just sounds like you have found yourself in a relationship where you both have different expectations. It’s completely up to you whether or not you feel he is worth trying to work it out with him but based on your comments, I personally don’t think that it is going to work well.


You will not be able to square this circle in my opinion

Years ago I dated someone, and they just became so ‘full on’, I had to cut all ties as it got incredibly irritating and I felt super uncomfortable

We all have a speed, and boundaries must be respected

Doesn’t sound like this is at all long term, and he seems a bit eager, in my opinion, which I would say is a red flag


Random internet person who gives a ■■■■ about you


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If it was me I’d date you until you were ready, even if you said you would never want it, isn’t that a line women use? Go do something fun like put- put golf or to a zoo. You need to get to know this guy and maybe you’ll surprise yourself. But if he rushes it it’s not good.

I’m ace as well, so I can definitely understand the situation.

I don’t really have any advice, just that yeah, dating is tough when there is so much pressure to have sex or engage in sexual activity

This is so true. There is really nothing wrong with this guy being up front about lookong for a relationship that includes a lot of sex. He has not misrepresented himself. You do not belong with him. You should not force yourself into sex that you dont want. Nobody who enjoys sex wants their partner to feel like sex is an obligation or a chore. You are just setting yourself both up to feel hurt and isolated if you try to bargain. If you continue this relationship, ypu are both starting from a place of believing you can change each other. He believes he can get you to enjoy sex. You believe you can get him to not want sex. You are both wrong and you will both regret it.

I got rejected maybe hundreds of times before I found Mr. Star. I am a firm believer in staying single until you find someone who you work well with, and in breaking up with someone as soon as you know you are incompatible.