A Difficult Time

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Yesterday I had one of the worst evenings in the past few months. I stopped by to visit my parents. I had good news from work, I missed them, and I’ve also been worried about my stepfather’s health and condition — I wanted to spend some time with them. Everything was cozy for the first couple of hours (as it usually is). Unfortunately, my mother kept getting more and more drunk as time went on… It ended in such a conflict that I called a taxi, trembling, as soon as I left their place.

It all started over small things, but I couldn’t hold back and told her: “You don’t work, you pressure Dad with house chores even though his health keeps getting worse, you keep drinking, not managing anything…” (there are more serious issues I’d rather not disclose here). The conflict escalated into shouting and threats. She started mocking my health: “Remember when you were hospitalized? You still have to see doctors, loser, sick girl.” She began filming me, making fun of me — saying things like “you’re hopeless, nobody will ever want you, you’ll have no friends, everyone will leave you.”

When I started shouting back, my father — the one I was actually defending — stepped in and offered to call an ambulance because of how irrationally I was behaving. I slammed the door and left.

I’m in a situation where I actually need their support — plus, my mom is threatening to turn my biological father against me again, which has already happened in the past.

So, if not for the alcohol, communication would still be possible. But it seems something inside me finally snapped. I’ve realized — she just doesn’t care! Usually, I’m the one who calls, the one who tries to connect… My mother even says my rented apartment is “too shabby” (as if she had helped me find it or pay for it).

To top it off, she mockingly said she could show my brother where I live.

It’s a toxic pattern. Sadly, I have nothing to lose if I completely cut off my family.

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My brother wasn’t home (that was one of the reasons I went there).

even without him around, the worst problems still happen… unfortunately.

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Sorry @anon92236671 , don’t go again…

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Oh I see what you’re going through. My heart is broken for you.

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Hi, you don’t need to be around that environment. I know it’s family and you miss them and will always care for them, but I think you should keep distance between you and them.

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The thing is, I haven’t had any contact with my brother for months — I blocked him on purpose and asked relatives not to tell anyone where I am. I’ve also greatly limited contact with my parents. What’s troubling me inside is the thought that I might have to completely cut off communication… Maybe I should stop all contact for a month, even over the phone, and see what changes.

@anon12167935 @Trooper @Lunanoir

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I know that nothing will change with them. Even if they didn’t see me for a year — the drinking wouldn’t stop, and their attitude would only change if I found a rich man… The truth is, I want to observe myself. Maybe if we go a month without any contact, I’ll start to feel better. Perhaps lonelier, but happier? We’ll see.

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Live your life @anon92236671

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I don’t know what’s strange with me — I feel very indecisive in this situation. If it were just a year or two of wondering what to do, then fine. But I’ve been thinking about cutting ties with my family for years. At least five years… Sometimes I just feel, deep down, that I want to maintain some connection with at least one family member. There has to be someone with more common sense than the rest!

My brother — yes, dangerous. My mother — a disaster, we simply can’t exist in peace. My stepfather — things would be okay if he weren’t so careless, and if not for the physical abuse in the past.

Unfortunately, we all keep repeating the same mistakes. Whenever I go there, I forget what psychological stability even means. Growing up there, I not only experienced physical and emotional abuse — I also learned to distrust the entire world, especially after ending up in the hospital because of my brother (a situation I ended which “mommy” even mocked).

If all this injustice could be summed up in one sentence… @anon12167935

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That sounds like a good idea. Yeah just focus on you for a while. I mean peace and respect to your family for they are your family. There was constant criticism and conflict with my family. It was very stressful and I wanted to break from my family. I mean things can still work out. They’re your family and I wish the best for you all. But I’m totally on your side. I am really concerned for you. I mean you put yourself in a good situation with your work and your place to live there. I do believe in forgiveness and mercy and compassion. And love. And family.

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And I truly believe in love, family, and peace… Unfortunately, those who know the inner dynamics of our family express disbelief — “how can there be conflicts to that extent… every day?” My parents are seen as quite materialistic and self-centered, condemning anyone who differs from them. People call my family “the Addams family,” mostly because of how unusual things are — the violence, the lack of self-control, the excessive drinking, and the constant need to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong.

I can’t really explain it… nothing feels pure. There are so many secrets in the family, and terrible insults are more common than a simple, kind “how are you doing.” When my therapist listened to some of the details — things I can’t even write here — she cried. It’s not a normal situation.

Because of the addictions, I might soon have to bury my brother, and because of my stepfather’s declining health, maybe him too… Sadly, no lessons have been learned, and my mother still cares most about the family’s image — which is, clearly, fake..@Trooper

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I am totally on your side @anon92236671. Me you stay safe. And keep building your life. And form relationships that you believe in. And keep overcoming whatever you need to overcome. To live a life you want to live. To have success. And find all the good there is in this world. And may your dreams come true in ways that will always fulfill you in any dreams you’ve had in life.

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Sounds da pretty unhealthy… maybe you are better of keeping distance from them. Sorry they act like that…must be really difficult but you’re strong coffee :hot_beverage:

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This sounds like a direct threat to your safety and wellbeing. It is unacceptable and even if your mom doesnt intend to act on thIs, she may slip up when she’s been drinking and disclose where you live to your brother.

I think.you are right in wanting to distance yourself from.your family. Your wellbeing and safety come first!

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To be honest… everyone (the closest ones) says that this would be her last straw — she knows she would lose me if she told my brother where I live.

Unfortunately, after all these years of knowing her, I realize deep down — that could be the trump card she’d use if I, as her daughter, didn’t obey her.

Scary? Yes. Fair? Toward me, it feels so unfair that sometimes I see nothing between us except a blood bond, sadly. @Moonbeam

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And deep down, what I can’t comprehend the most is how she can blame me and even mock the fact that I’ve had personal and psychological struggles — when she knows that even my doctor believes I grew up in a very dysfunctional environment, and that it was her beloved son who triggered (biggest part) my psychosis. I know she has a hard time controlling herself when she drinks… unfortunately, the things she says while drunk — and she often says the most terrible things after a few bottles of wine — reveal her true attitude toward everything: toward me, the family, even my stepfather. Sometimes it seems she’s not mentally sound at all, but sadly, the threats she makes at certain moments show that she is thinking — though selfishly, unmotherly, yet rationally. @Moonbeam

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@anon92236671

We have no choice as to the family we’re born into, but we do have a choice as to the family we choose. It’s natural to want to be loved by our biological family, but shared genetics does not justify inexcusable behavior. Blood relation is not a get-out-of-jail-free card for being toxic. As long as your mother believes she can treat you with disrespect and you’ll be back, the abuse will continue. Sad to say, but I think the most beneficial thing you can do–for your sake and your mother’s sake–is to have no contact with her.

Family isn’t just about biology. Just as valid as DNA is the family we choose: who we choose to love, who we choose to love us back, and who we choose for friendship.

Our chosen family. It’s not only okay–it’s beautiful.

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I know that everything here is true. I think the same way myself. @Catman

The worst part is that my mother knows how to manipulate. She raised me — she knows exactly how to make it seem like I’m nothing without her approval. Even though she knows I can handle everything on my own — after all, she’s barely visited me these past months, and yet I’m alive, healthy, living neatly, and even moving up at work. Maybe I can’t cook as well as she does and definitely lack some culinary skills… but honestly, the only real problem in my life is that I don’t always manage to eat on time during workdays. And even that, I’m learning to fix.

In short, she’s always called me a failure. Someone who will never succeed, who won’t dress properly or take care of herself without her guidance — and God forbid I don’t tell her who I’m in a relationship with… :smiling_face_with_tear: This is just part of what I want to say. She’s tied both me and her son to herself — even though I’m capable and independent, unlike my brother, I still feel indebted to her. For so many years our relationship has been a rollercoaster — ups and downs, friendship and hatred — that even now, I can’t tell whether we’ve had more good or bad moments in the past.

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Your mother is extremely toxic. That is awful. Once your mother started insulting you, you should have left. I would never want to see her. It’s sad to have relatives like that, and I know you probably really need someone, but that kind of relationship is too damaging. Don’t really have any good advice.

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My mother is not only very toxic, but also clever, determined to achieve her goals at any cost.

I don’t want to blame anyone right now; unfortunately, her son has fallen apart, losing everything in life by his own hands—not because of anyone else, but because of his own behavior. And her daughter, who is essentially managing to get back on her feet, still has ADHD, serious anxiety and trust issues, and a wisdom filled with quite a bit of sadness—this is no coincidence. Both of her children are, in her eyes, “failures,” and, in essence, unhappy.

Unfortunately, I am the only one in that house without addictions and who wants to improve. And even this isn’t enough for her. Loneliness in my heart causes me pain and sometimes makes me act foolishly, but… I will manage. I believe in it. @devra