Toxic Family Dynamics (QUESTION)

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I wasn’t a loved child – I experienced everything from physical abuse to a certain kind of harassment from my stepfather (it wasn’t overt, but… nothing extremely serious happened, and still, I really dislike talking about this). My mother would say things like “b itch, monster, narcissist, selfish, your butt is as big as a tank,” and so on. My older brother is a drug addict, deeply into it. Things at home aren’t good – both my mom and stepfather are functional alcoholics. We lived an average life, but parents drinking in the evenings – beer, stronger alcohol – to the point of fairly serious drunkenness was just a completely normal daily routine. As a child, I was spoiled with things, money, and occasionally conversations – but the home was full of chaos and lacking sincerity. There was little respect, little support.

I don’t know what I’m trying to find out. I want to know – is it worth it for me to keep a relationship with them? What would you do in my place? When we do interact, I get angry, but… sometimes I wonder – what if war breaks out? Would I regret not calling each other? (It’s been three months now since I moved in with my boyfriend, and I’ve barely had any contact with my parents.)

It’s just that… I feel better when I don’t keep in contact – I don’t feel so unhealthy, so much like a monster. At my boyfriend’s place, no one screams in the evenings, no one fights – but at my place, that used to happen from time to time. There was simply no peace – sometimes my brother wouldn’t let me sleep, blasting music loudly, yelling.

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I really can’t decide, because there were moments when we actually got along quite well as a family. I can’t say that I don’t love any of them… The problem—or rather, the question—is whether they’re capable of loving me. Do they miss me?

There are many things I can’t forgive – during my psychotic episode, they gossiped about me. On the one hand, my mom did take me to psychologists and psychiatrists as a teenager… but when she couldn’t handle my impulsiveness at all, she and stepfather even called an exorcist. That felt quite humiliating to me. They knew I had a mental health issue, they knew medication was needed, but they were more scared of the weight I had gained.

A lot of bad things happened – and yet, they did raise me, they were there, even if not very lovingly.
I don’t know what to do.

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Any abuse whether it’s verbal, emotional, physical, or economic engages in controlling behavior. One of the byproducts of controlling behavior is love bombing. When someone tries to control you with gifts. They seem like a good person but it has to do with control. I’m a firm believer that you shouldn’t burn bridges. But if someone is engaging in controlling behavior like demeaning you to feel powerful I would limit my time with them for my own mental health. Personality problems mixed with drugs magnifies abusive behavior.

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I was not loved either but actually hated .

No matter how much love I gave them they never could love me back .
No matter how much k forgave their evil doings they never apologised or confessed or changed behaviour.

Real nasty stuff happened and I was beyond scape goat with everyone in on it with so much to gain for them ..

I’m 47.
They said I will never marry and have children and I never did .

They took who I am and more .

I only just messaged “parents” that I want to not have contact now .
This goes for all of them .

However I’m living in former stepmom’s apartment and haven’t been able to afford to move out .

She brags about owning the neighbourhoods and by his I’ve been treated that’s pretty true it seems out of multi millions of people might be five or ten these people don’t own ?
Friends with judges army etc

I want who and all I am back .

I also want to be around a people who love me value me care for me apreciate md and treat me well .

Not opress and bully and steal etc

I will save up to try and move out asap away from a people have done such .

I will try to go entire no contact with just about all of them and if any contact with one then only twice a year but would be best to cut them all off as it’s clear none of them could love me but exclude bully steal who I am n riches and do nasty sh it .

I think for one’s self respect it’s good to cut contact with people who abuse you and or don’t love you or treat you with respect and kindness .

Problem with that is if they are popular they get flying monkeys and you can end up without a support network and all alone .

If so maybe one can adopt a loving dog .

There are so many inspiring stories on YouTube about abuse survivors going no contact with family .

Some were literally all alone with whole family in on it .

One woman Mary had her parents become friends with her friends and turn all her friends against her saying she is delusional etc and that they are so caring and kind .
Her friends tried to do an intervention and she had everyone against her .

Lucky for her she was able to work and make money .
She moved to another country and got new friends .

I can’t seem to get friends but do have a boyfriend and dog .
Can’t work with my body either but do have pension .

Best wishes to us .

May we find our soul tribe who celebrate us not ones who destroy us and pretend to like us är best .

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It is never, ever, worth it to keep toxic people in your life.

The fact that they are related to you is irrelevant.

Kick those losers to the curb and get back to living.

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I can hear your desperation and I’m sorry. Where there is no love, put love, and you will draw out love. Is a quote I like. You have hope. Don’t give up. Your family can heal and even drug addicts can recover!

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You know, that’s comforting. :slight_smile: Thank you so much for that. @Nomad Honestly, I still love them—I don’t think I’ll ever stoop as low as I used to during all those arguments, but…

Without medication, I couldn’t get along with them at all—I felt like I had to prove how much they had wronged me. Maybe a few more weeks on the meds and I’ll be able to look at my relationship with my parents from a different perspective. Still, I find it hard to forgive my brother—he was partly the reason I slipped into a more acute psychosis than I should have.

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I get aggressive off meds.

Sometimes it takes time to choose to forgive people. If took me a long time to forgive my sister for abandoning me during my first psychosis.

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Btw, what made you add “now” to your username LOL

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Without medication, I feel like I have to say everything here and now. I just… give in to the impulse of the moment. Even with medication, I still have outbursts—but I do think more beforehand about what happened and how it unfolded. There’s definitely a decrease in the kind of careless and hurtful words that affect others…

And about my username—well, I just wanted to add something new :smiley: Just to update it a little bit, haha

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Yeah thank God for meds. Although they can be a b*tech sometimes. Like with side effects.

Got to go get some sleep. Bye Ms Lithuania

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When you think about it, in the old days people had no medication for schizophrenia at all… wow. They only appeared quite recently, and we are in these times.

WOW!! Sleep well, my friend. :slight_smile:

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Never been raped by a family member or caregiver, huh?

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Hey, @shutterbug I know what you’re trying to say. It’s just that… my parents spent so many years teaching me to forgive them, to apologize to them—to be good, good, good… They left me with brutal wounds—not physical ones, I don’t have serious addictions, and I’m fairly functional—but inside I carry scars that aren’t always visible to others. I’m strong, and it’s strange—but without my family, I actually feel stronger, though it’s true, I do miss them.

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You’re an adult with free agency. If you feel like you want to have your parents in your life that is your decision. If you don’t want to have them in your life that is also your decision. What I am saying is the fact that they are family is not relevant to this decision. What matters most is your own health and safety. If maintaining a relationship or forgiving them (because you will endlessly be counciled to forgive family) will make your health and your life worse … just don’t. It’s a trap that many can avoid but foolishly choose not to.

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It’s easier for me to have a good relationship with my parents while I’m not living with them. I moved out of their home when I was 21 years old back in January 1999.

I talk to them now because I want to. I live an hour away from them. Sometimes I miss that I don’t live closer to them, but I needed the space. I think living in the county in which I grew up would remind me of the hard parts of my childhood.

I don’t know if this helps you, but I wanted to share in case it does.

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I would just do whatever you feel like doing. If they make you uncomfortable, I wouldn’t initiate visiting. Maybe sometimes you’ll be able to handle it.

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