Yesterday I had a lot happen and I and I allowed it to get to me. Sorry, rl happens and you forget to ground yourself and do self destructive things

[anon98519533]

I humbly apologize for my wigging yesterday. I just had so much stuff hit me. I know if I get super stressed my sz kicks in so after my last post I had to get on my elliptical and get the frustration and helplessness out. When I’m working out, I can think a lot. These are based on my irritability yesterday about dad, @artero, my importantly self

A)called an old family friend last night who knows how my dad “was to me”and is finding out all details so if I chose to visit I will be prepared. She also said she would take me as his intermediary because she says you have no business going with anyone who doesn’t know him. I grew up w/o a real mom, and for some reason when I was working out it hit me…I knew what to do, I texted her, and within 5 minutes she called me. Wow!

B)I am an ass because I let stress and what I thought had been body shaming, but misperception affect me and took it out on @artero but he’s really a cool dude said we are good, but I know better how to channel my stress. Lashing out isn’t constructive. Just sometimes, it’s hard because I’m schooled to be a professional but have to see one just to be held accountable. Having to pay someone for something you already know, is so hard/embarrassing. I should e proud I’m a recovering anorexic and do not wanting to seek validation…but sometimes I’m proud that I’ve increased breast size and totally muscle mass cuz I know about nutrition, pt, and in that area god genetics.

C)spoke to psychiatrist yesteday twice, and last night he said stress happens and you are ill but you you’ve dealt with this illness a long time, by reaching out when you are vulnerable, you felt weak and he knows that I have control issues because I have to for survival skills. However, me admitting I needed help or told what to do made my “subconscious” think I was weak and not in a good place. Going in next week to process

D) my husband and I have different views on a lot of things and lies aren’t cool

E) woke up in a good mood cuz no hallucinations or voices. Early of course, but I’m letting go of yesterday’s troubles and punishing myself cuz that was yesterday. Yesterday was a nightmare but naan was a good comfort food. And tandoori chicken not bad either.

Today is a new day hope everyone else is good. Long post but heck yesterday was a nightmare and can’t let those angry, suicidal thoughts creep in.

So how are you guys today?

[anon98519533]

I’ve said my apologies and good luck to you all. Thanks for the brief moment of lessons learned. But after having a lovely conversation about music, I realize, I’m neglecting myself and what makes me happy. Loving and respecting my views and feelings are number one. I’ve hurt some , laughed some, hugged, some, talked about lots. But fact is I’m a survivor which means I must put me first because to know someone you must walk in their shoes, and I won’t find that here or anywhere. So, I am going to just continue what has worked for me, and that was put aside when I joined this site yet again. Good luck to you all. And also as a goodbye, I’ll say…if ya wanna change, change, don’t be a whiney bitch. That’s what snapped me out of my self righteous self. Some may say it’s too hard to change self destructive behaviors like weight but you can if you accept it and go to a dr and change. You and I are worthy of life and thanks for reminding me