yes,this is one of the factors that has been strongest in convincing me that I really do have a serious mental illness. As I get older I get less and less able to skip meds and be ok for a while. Now,a day or two off of them and I’m doing a death spiral into psychosis. I believed for 30 years that my mental illness was an elaborate charade I was pulling off. Now I have felt more powerless and unable to remain well and have had to admit that I’m the chump, not the pdocs.
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Can the thinking I’m faking it be a delusion itself? I think they have secret folders. I believe they will not let me read the real folders. And I get intrusive thoughts that become obsessive. I believe my pdoc thinks I’m a malingerer.
My pdoc days these are Residual symptoms.
I believe I haven’t got an intellectual disability either. Many people tell me I don’t come across as somebody with an IQ of 69.
My doctor says that I´m very self-aware, that´s a good thing for us. You need to really be self aware and try to discern the reality from the delusions.
Believing in the probability that some events (secret folders, microchips) may not happen outside of a movie helps me.
I have believed I faked my sza so many times, it seems to be a very common problem with sz/sza sufferers. I get these nagging doubts so often but my pdoc has repeatedly told me I do have an illness and I do need meds and shouldn’t stop them.
Every time I doubt my sza I read my book manuscript about my journey with mental illness and I realise with such a long extensive psychiatric history I couldn’t have faked it.
Then the cycle starts again and my pdoc has to repeat himself and my husband has to advise me to stay on meds.
I guess we are all in denial at some time or another. It’s just the anosognosia playing up!
The thing I’m worried about is I remember in college I consciously recall wanting to be seen as psychotic because I didn’t feel like doing the work. Does this make me a faker? Can anyone answer? I thought it would be easier living like a “crazy” person and not having to have a career. I remember feeling happy when I was given the diagnosis, and I was expecting her to tell me that, like I laughed. They thought I had a inappropriate affect. I hope someone answers with my case because I’m really worried that I have faked it too.
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