This is the longest time I haven’t been hospitalised in years (9 months now) I am doing well but I feel like such a malinger and faker. I feel like I’ve faked everything. I don’t know if it’s the medication working or what. I seem to think I’ve faked it though 11 admissions, I don’t think I have Schizoaffective disorder. In my reports it says when i’m unwell I have Grandiose/Paranoid Thoughts, Elated Mood. Pressure of Speece. Flight of Ideas and evidence of Thought Disorder.
I have convinced myself that I’m a malingering but their is nothing in my reports to suggest malingering. Do you think it’s possible to fake all that above?
The only things is has ask me is if I hear voices. I have always denied that. Mostly I have just talked about my depression and feelings of suicide, the rest they have got from my behavior and haven’t really asked many questions. If they did I would just deny it because I think I havent got anything wrong with me.
If you were malingering you would know it. I don’t believe I have schizoaffective disorder either. I know what you mean, I think. It just doesn’t feel real, total denial. As if someone else went through all those symptoms. Just remember these dr are trained to spot fakers. Try to trust them if you can. I’m sorry to say this but it might take awhile to accept the diagnosis. I’m still in disbelief and I’m 50.
@bobbilly Well, there are reasons why you were hospitalised and had to see a psychiatrist. You can deny you don’t have schizophrenia now but later you’ll come to accept that you do.
Yes, I was even told by a disability evaluator that I wasn’t schizophrenic and my doctors were “idiots.” She ignored the giant medical record a foot thick that listed all my hospitalizations and episodes because she decided I was too high functioning.
I cried. I decided maybe I wasn’t sza. I went outside. My mother was in the car of the disability office, waiting for me, and she said, “well what’s the other option? That the cia and NsA and FsB are really mind controlling you the whole time and that the “schizophrenia” was really just an elaborate government plot? How else do you explain the hallucinations, voices, insomnia, odd behavior, etc…”
Maybe you’re just doing better, which isn’t malingering, it’s just recovery. You’re healing
Yea, I sometimes still think since I’ve been out of the hospital since 2008, that I’m not or no longer a sza, but then I remember that I get butt injections of Abilify every month and that’s the likely reason why I’m not actively psychotic. I take the meds, I recovered a bit, that doesn’t take away my sz, it’s just latent
Every time I was hospitalized I thought it was for suicidal ideation but the proc always slapped me with the Psychosis Nos label on my intake report so I hear ya.
But I think most pdocs are good about weeding out the malingerers otherwise you wouldn’t be on a treatment plan and receiving injections. If you feel good u should enjoy yourself as this illness is heck on everyone.
I always deny being sz when psychotic. Although it’s pretty obvious from the outside looking in. When the delusions go away I recognize that I was delusional and paranoid. But on the other hand I’ve had a pdoc in the hospital tell me I was suicidal. Well he had no clue , I’ve never been suicidal but it went in my file. So I don’t always trust every docs opinion. Problem being second opinions are no good once your stable.
I feel like this all the time like I could switch it off but I have no control of it. Then when I read about other peoples experience on this site and it grounds me.
I know I have it. I don’t doubt it just because the meds make the voices go away. I wish it would just go away and I didn’t have to take these pills anymore, but I know I have it for life and if I go off the pills everything I’ve worked towards will disappear. I do wonder if at my next evaluation they will take me off SSI because with the meds I’ve accomplished a lot since my diagnosis. I’m just nervous that my Medicaid will disappear and I won’t be able to get the abilify anymore. I can’t do anything without my meds. I’m hoping I’ll finish college and get a decent paying job by the time I am no longer on SSI and get health insurance and therefore the abilify that I need to function
I think you are demonstrating recovery and that’s AWESOME. Gaining that stability is an incredible accomplishment and you will achieve great things when you build on it. Give yourself a pat on the back and perhaps buy yourself a small, but nice treat to celebrate.
I feel like this a lot - that I’m faking everything. Usually when I relapse or sometimes when I hear voices. In retrospect I don’t think I faked it - and I don’t think you did either. It’s just part of the illness or voices or delusions even.
I got angry recently thinking how unfair life is. But I have a principle that I believe in: “Never compare the suffering of people.” That is my personal policy. Because you can never know how the suffering is actually experienced inside. My doctor from a few years ago told me even a simple injury to a pinkie finger could be suffering to some person.
Probably the most important thing we could do while here on earth would be to help people who have suffering.
When I was paranoid, I used to get paranoid of my pdoc thinking I was a malingerer and a fake. Now that I’m more well, I don’t worry about this anymore because I know I am not a fake. I know for a fact that I used to get extremely paranoid all of the time. And I also know that I don’t any longer.
