Working through some things

Hey all! :slight_smile:

So it’s finals week for me…retook the final I missed (for no good reason) and ended up with an A in the class, so no harm done! Wish I could go back and reassure my past self, because man I lost sleep and caused myself a LOT of pain over something that was so easily fixed.

I’ve been through a probably unhealthy about of stress the past couple of weeks because of finals, and I’m not completely through yet. Was in a lot of pain, wanted to die, etc. I got myself through by stepping back from everything for a moment and looking at the big picture of things. They say it’s good to stay in the present, but sometimes it really helps to be able to get your head out of the present and be able to look towards the future too. I told myself that it would just be these 2 weeks of hell, and then after that I’m home free. 1 1/2 month break! That’s the only thing that kept me going, I was practically paralyzed with anxiety. I swear my anxiety pain is infinitely worse than any physical one I’ve experienced. I’m halfway done with finals now, so my anxiety has gone down, but it’ll be there until this is over with.

I’m still really worried about my grades. I’ve done pretty average this entire semester. I just feel like I haven’t kept up studying as well as I did last year. I feel like I’m going to get B’s and C’s this semester. Worst case scenario, I get a C for calc and chem. 2 C’s is equivalent to an F here basically, so that would be very, very nasty for me.

I’m making HUGE progress on the PTSD-like issues I developed from the hallucinated demonic abuse. Back when I lived in my old house, I was attacked and experienced the hallucinations (or maybe it was real, who knows, numerous belief systems believe in demons, yada yada we don’t need to start up the argument, it did damage regardless) whenever I felt any kind of sexual desire at all. (And even when I didn’t, but I was usually IMMEDIATELY attacked when it sensed desire on my part)

When I moved from that house, I still connected me feeling desire with being abused, so literally any time I started to feel sexual desire, I’d think of the demon, and get incredibly distressed and basically get sucked into flashbacks where it was happening again.

I’m beginning to distinguish between my sexual desire and being attacked, and breaking the connection between the two in my head. Just because I feel desire, doesn’t necessarily mean I’m about to be raped anymore. I’m practicing letting myself feel the desire and then letting it pass when it does. Now that I’m starting to cut the connection between feeling desire and being attacked, my flashbacks have cut down CONSIDERABLY, as in I can’t even remember the last time I have one, because now when I feel that way instead of falling into the horrified thought trap of “It’s happening again, it’s happening” which leads to flashbacks, I just go “Oh ok I want sex again, but I’m safe and nothing is going to happen to me.” And I avoid it.

It’s really, really great for me. I can’t even count how many nights I lost sleep because of those flashbacks. Always being scared. Between that and my highly reduced night paranoia my nights are passing almost without incident! It’s amazing for me.

Now if I can just teach myself to separate physical sexual acts from the abuse I’ll be solid. But that would require finding someone to ease myself back into those waters with. Which I’m still uncertain and nervous about doing. So. Whatever, baby steps, I’m making progress and that’s what counts.

Also I finally was upfront about the abuse with my therapist. I sent her the timeline that I made on here the other day. It was a lot easier to email her about than talk about in person. So now she knows at least. Won’t be able to see her again until the end of January. Also getting a neurological exam then so they can see if anything in my brain is wonky.

Sorry for the long post but I’m just excited on the way some things are going now. (And highly anxious about my gpa.)

What are some things you guys have been making progress on?

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Not as well as you that’s for sure. You have grown so much in a short time. Seriously do pat yourself on your back as you have come so far.

It’s awesome news for the end of year. I hoping for great things for you in the new and by the sounds of it 2015 will be your year.

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Sounds like you are doing well. Sex/masturbation used to make me hear voices and crap. Exposure therapy fixed it.

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WOW @Anna

This sounds like extremely excellent progress. You are working really hard on all fronts and it’s paying off. Good for you.

Congratulations on all the hard work. Glad you got a good grade despite missing the final.

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hey well done for getting an A! so glad they let you retake it.
you made of 9 parts steel! tc

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