Last tutorial of my degree with a twist

I went to a tutorial for my module yesterday. I recognised the name of the tutor and couldn’t pinpoint where from. Until he appeared and he was a form tutor for one of the groups in my year at secondary school, he also taught me english one year.

Now this felt like a circle closing. I was exploited by a teacher at school in my last two years, I thought it was a relationship but I know now due to power levels it wasn’t right, He took his move after my uncle committed suicide, that was the beginning of my psychosis I thought I could meditate hard enough to save him in the afterlife, my first delusion took its grip. The teacher knew I was falling apart at the seams and took advantage. He ‘dated’ me for a year then aggressively had sex with me and dumped me, leading to full psychotic break. What else though, I was found out about being in a relationship with a man and not one of the teenage boys in my year, the popular ones took offence and started stalking and harassing me, beating, groping in corridors, spreading rumours, they’d follow me home, and at the height of it dragged me into a little area of trees and lake which is very dark at the time of day they did so, they stripped me and sexually assaulted me each. That damaged me most, the way they basically enforced my paranoia. They caused my major suicide attempt after assaulting me at college (16-18 education here). What’s worse they became voices and I hear them at times now but the protector came at that time.

I suppressed all of this after the nurses and doctors in hospital didn’t believe me it’s gardually come to the surface in the past year with flashbacks and memories reinstating themselves, I’m handling it, I wish I could discuss it but I just can’t.

But thats just the back ground im here to tell you about how you cannot write about this, this degree has been my degree against adversity I did it because I wanted to prove it to me and them they didn’t ruin me, it’s distance learning but I’ve done it off my own back, it’s been a lifeline to me, and to have a teacher from my year at secondary school and actually have a good time with it (it was an ace tutorial) when previously I wouldnt be able to focus due to fear, the voices made a good day at it but I didn’t let them win.

Because this tutor was a good man and even though he recognised my name (probably from all the meetings about me) it didn’t scare me, it was karma true in its form, a closing, the universe wrote that, I told him it was a pleasure to have him at my last tutorial. It felt so odd but a release, im proud that I had that chance and I’m proud of msyelf that I didn’t let it cripple me, I held my head high, they did not beat me.

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What a great story of victory over abuse! You are impressive as hell to have survived all that and come out on top!

Thank you @ninjastar, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, i do have pauses where I get stuck with flashbacks and that but yesterday gave me some validation that they didn’t beat me as a lot of the time I feel they did by the fact I’m chronically ill and often want to give up. But no I cannot express how much yesterday represented.

Thank you for your kind words, I don’t cosider myself much but your kind words mean a lot.

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I still get flashbacks a lot, too. But they’re not as bad as they used to be. I consider my own personal victory being able to enjoy sex finally.

I’m sorry you still experience flashbacks but glad the intensity has lessened. That gives me hope, and congrats on being able to enjoy sex,maybe there’s hope for me yet, these things take time but it shows with perseverance we can cope.

It was a long and slow process. First, I had to find a partner who would be very understanding about my needs, and wouldn’t pressure me to move faster than I was comfortable with. I happened to meet a guy who also had PTSD symptoms surrounding sex. He has no idea why they occur, but we were able to work together on taking small steps towards physical intimacy. Whenever one of us started shaking uncontrollably, we would stop immediately. It took about six or seven months, but eventually, we were able to have sex.

I think we were really lucky to find each other. Not everyone is so understanding of these symptoms. He had an especially hard time before meeting m, because society pressures guys to always be after sex. A lot of girls got mortally offended when he didn’t want to sleep with them right away. And most of his family just assumed he was gay, because there was no other possible reason a guy could be uninterested in sex :roll_eyes:

I can imagine its hard because of the immediacy people want and social pressures, I’m glad you two finally found each other after such hard times.