I went to a tutorial for my module yesterday. I recognised the name of the tutor and couldn’t pinpoint where from. Until he appeared and he was a form tutor for one of the groups in my year at secondary school, he also taught me english one year.
Now this felt like a circle closing. I was exploited by a teacher at school in my last two years, I thought it was a relationship but I know now due to power levels it wasn’t right, He took his move after my uncle committed suicide, that was the beginning of my psychosis I thought I could meditate hard enough to save him in the afterlife, my first delusion took its grip. The teacher knew I was falling apart at the seams and took advantage. He ‘dated’ me for a year then aggressively had sex with me and dumped me, leading to full psychotic break. What else though, I was found out about being in a relationship with a man and not one of the teenage boys in my year, the popular ones took offence and started stalking and harassing me, beating, groping in corridors, spreading rumours, they’d follow me home, and at the height of it dragged me into a little area of trees and lake which is very dark at the time of day they did so, they stripped me and sexually assaulted me each. That damaged me most, the way they basically enforced my paranoia. They caused my major suicide attempt after assaulting me at college (16-18 education here). What’s worse they became voices and I hear them at times now but the protector came at that time.
I suppressed all of this after the nurses and doctors in hospital didn’t believe me it’s gardually come to the surface in the past year with flashbacks and memories reinstating themselves, I’m handling it, I wish I could discuss it but I just can’t.
But thats just the back ground im here to tell you about how you cannot write about this, this degree has been my degree against adversity I did it because I wanted to prove it to me and them they didn’t ruin me, it’s distance learning but I’ve done it off my own back, it’s been a lifeline to me, and to have a teacher from my year at secondary school and actually have a good time with it (it was an ace tutorial) when previously I wouldnt be able to focus due to fear, the voices made a good day at it but I didn’t let them win.
Because this tutor was a good man and even though he recognised my name (probably from all the meetings about me) it didn’t scare me, it was karma true in its form, a closing, the universe wrote that, I told him it was a pleasure to have him at my last tutorial. It felt so odd but a release, im proud that I had that chance and I’m proud of msyelf that I didn’t let it cripple me, I held my head high, they did not beat me.