Hi, hi 
In fact I talk without believing in what I say. I sometimes even have the feeling of falseness when I talk or act, it sucks… I also cant think well I find on a lot of subjects. Its not a thing of poor concentration for me, cause this I have it. But maybe my spirit is low, or the logic, or maybe the depression killed my thinking… My doc said that they probably gave me too many aps in the past and it killed my thinking. But I am not sure he is right. Maybe its just the negatives…
I am continuing my lithium though. I feel calmer on it but my spirit is still low, my positive feelings-non existant still.
My mom says she considers me as having a lot of reason, but I honestly think that I am a bit reckless because of the illness. Some of the ill people they can write books, they think etc etc. Me, I am not good at thinking lol… I am even afraid that I have some Intellectual disability tbh…
So the problem is not thinking but feeling. I think the less i think the better. I guess its hard if you dont have enough feelings. But you could figure out why you have no feelings and why your spirit is low. And when you find out the reason you can fix it.
I cant fix it by my own, kerli, really, believe me… 
Yeap, sometimes I dont have enough positive feelings. negative ones I have I think… In the past I was feeling guilty to be an insensible freak, but I try to avoid the guilt now. I am afraid ill remain like this
Maybe you just became rusty from the isolation, and lost some confidence. You could try little things like reading, luminosity training and mini social outings. Just cut yourself some slack, don’t expect perfection. Just pat yourself on the back every time you try whether or not it goes smoothly or not it is progress. Progress not perfection.
Anna you’re very smart it’s obvious just from reading your posts. What do you want from yourself, to be a genius? Yes the illness makes us a little dumber, maybe we lose 10 IQ points. But you have a degree and speak 4 languages very well… c’mon.
Is the lithium helping?
Having negatives without an ad is very hard.
What @fingolfin said @Anna1.
Thank you for the message frings But I am really worried by my lack of feelings sometimes. I wait a bit more from the lithium, but its too soon to tell. At least, I have less now the impression that I dont talk.
Effectively, negatives without a med help is terrible. the efforts never gave me results really. When you have an illness, you have it hard.
Lets hope for the lithium, yeap My doc thinks that they gave me too much aps in the past who caused me to be very depressed, but me personally I think I just knew some degradation…
Sometimes I think that I need very few to be better, just to feel something, some positive maybe, to get out of my head a bit wow…
Anna I never feel much positives
I hope the lithium works and reduces the negatives for you
We have bad and severe illnesses
Cest la vie?
Sorry I’m dumb and only know english 
Am I horrible sorry, ignore my post.
Ok, but I am not sure I should drop every hope or every dream… I know a lot of people who are ill and they have something. some of them have kids, some other-partners and jobs, I dont find that is hould live myself like the worst of everybody… Its not normal to have spent 15 years between 4 walls…
no, your are not horrible.
Hey Anna, you will find this horrible, but what about the people who have spent 17 years without a home… on the streets,yeh there are people like that, probablly mentally ill people. They would love to live 17years between 4 walls on a nice bed and a warm home. Now I’m horrible yeah.
Ok, ill think of it. believe me or not, but I think of this too. But I guess I should find a bit happiness too one day. I had enough of my suffering, it was too much and maybe theres some fault of mine in this…
Anna noone has a right to happiness, we have a right to try and find happiness, but very few find it even normies.
I’m horrible sorry, I do wish you will find happiness.
Its me who is horrible. My mom also hates when I talk about happiness. Ok, I stop now. Maybe we just need health, that’s all.
You’'re not horrible at all
You’re stuck in a loop. (So am i)
We needs external stimulus or our mind ruminates.
When living with parents or someone you’re depending on you are pretty much giving up freedom.
Me, I have given up alot of who I am trying to become stable. I’m also a emotional garbage can for many family members. Anything negative somehoe always is my fault.
But the thing is it seems like you suffer from low self esteem and confidence. Instead of saying I can do this and doing it you tell yourself you can’t and you allow others to tell you what you’re capable of and ehat you aren’t.
You have that fire in you that you want change but you’re also dragging a blanket of doubt and negativity over you with come g up with every flaw and negative possibility you can.
Break these habits.
Getting out of these ruts are hard because you aren’t going to face a bunch of warm embraces and positive words.
Where we messes up was looking to others for security and answers. This leaves us open to being manipulated and pretty much enslaved.
For me I’ll gain my strength and clarity back and be moving forward but as soon as I do this my family and others come out of the wood works thlugging all kinds of garbage at me trying to beat me back into the hole I crawled out of.
Stop looking at yourself from any perspective other than your own. Stop giving out to every little thing that goes wrong or doesn’t feel right.
Drive through the crap like them old women driving through coffee shops.
â– â– â– â– why people think and say. If they think they can effect you then they will.
Trust me I know what it feels like to feel like a fish with its head being shoved above the water with everything I try to change.
Fear is what holds us from change.
Humans are nasty. 2 dogs can be best friends and be cuddled up but as soon as they are fed they are mortal enemies. Humans are similar in a primal way.
Yeh Anna, this illness is very hard on us. We deserve some happiness but… well, I hope you can find some. I live without happiness too, it’s hard.