I start the factory work tomorrow. Today I had to go to the staffing agency where they made me buy my own uniform and shoes. The whole thing cost me $50 plus $25 to run my background check.
The shoes are heavy steel toe, the pants are too big for my 5 foot frame. I look like I’m wearing clown pants. I have to wear an awful neon green t shirt and safety goggles. It was all too much. I started to cry and feel like I’m choking.
Tomorrow I have to go to the huge factory and find my way around. I have to find a certain gate that leads me to another parking lot, then find a door with a phone to call someone to let me in. What is this? Some sci-fi thriller? “Find the door with the phone”…There’s hundreds of doors in this place!
I’m terrified. I can’t stop crying and I don’t want to go, but I have to pretend I’m excited. My aunt told me no ‘complaining’, so I tell them I’m so happy to wear this clown uniform and be forced to be around strange people in a loud factory, which will no doubt cause me to hear voices in the humming and grinding machines.
I’m terrified of leaving the house and working. But I can’t quit another job. I wish they knew how it makes me feel. It feels like grinding down to my skeleton and dizziness and panic. I haven’t eaten all day.
For me, I can’t work because I have no energy, motivation, I have low self esteem, cognitive decline, anxiety, and I have been beaten up mentally from my disorder. Thoughts of failure and stigma occupy my mind. I think you’re doing great.
Think about the positives of the work - the money, perhaps meet some friends, etc. (list all the postives you can think of)
It seems you’re just focusing on the negatives (how you look in the pants, etc.) , and possibly “failure” (whatever that is) - and thats causing you to be upset.
You don’t need to be “excited” - just try not to be depressed. Its OK to be Neutral about the job - just take it day by day and see how it goes.
I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Like SzAdmin said, try and look at the positive side of it.
It’s never easy starting a new job, we always feel out of place. But in a week or two you’ll feel better.
You were looking forward to this, it’s better than a call center.
I think you should at least try the job but have you thought about giving guitar lessons or something? It would be easier, you would enjoy it, the pay is better, and it’s more flexible. My strength is academics and I’ve thought about tutoring. Only downside is no predictability and no benefits like healthcare. You could make it a cash business.
See, you have to know that after some time and if you continue, which I hope you will, it will become entertaining, and on your days off you will feel so empty minded and dull, so basically it gets you busy doing something which is productive and stimulates our brains. Be afraid, it is normal even for normal people who don’t have a mental illness like us. But try to overcome the stress, fake a smile and be kind and polite with everyone, eventually you will find someone to like and be open with, have someone at home to tell them all about your daily experiences, they will help you highlight which is was important and where and to whome you should focus. Normal people are smart at analyzing situations. You will feel some dependency and feel free to pursue you own home, then in future after you get experience and if you don’t like the work place you can search for another employer when your confidence will be higher. It was difficult for me 10 months ago but now I am happy with it. Trust me, you are making the best step ever. Keep going princess you are a survivor. Cheers.
When I was about to start with my first day at school I was still at the hospital. I have literary stepped out of the hospital, took a taxi cab and drove to my first job-like day at school.
Minutes before that I was crying to my psychiatrist because she stated that I have to go, no matter how scared and anxious I was feeling, because that is the only way to face it and to fight it. I had to listen to her because I was afraid that she’ll give upon me. So I went.
And just like she promised me, it was not as close frightening as I imagined, actually it was nothing like I was imagining.
Just jump to the water and swim. You can do that.
Don’t fall to a self pity trap. You are not your illness and you are not your job.
You can google what sort of jobs many of the Hollywood stars were doing before they got a chance.
Thats a negative way to look at it. Look at it as a stepping stone back to the receptionist job.
This is an opportunity for you to prove (mostly to yourself) that you can do a job, get some money, and get your confidence up again. When you’re ready - I bet you’ll be able to move back towards the receptionist job if you want to.
You’re just getting going again - this isn’t a job for the rest of your life. Its just one step on the road to recovery.
I know what you mean, sarad, but it’s different. You guys are awesome, but I need support here with me. I guess now I’m beginning to cry for my mother.
@odiledecaray, I’ve wondered if you play the harp - you had one in some of your pictures and you love Joanna Newsome, so maybe? Because I would think harp lessons would be very marketable.
First of all, let me congratulate you on your spunk for getting out and getting a job in spite of your illness. I’ve heard other people say this, and I’ve found it to be true of me, that when you go back to work after a prolonged period of not working you tend to get depressed. Remember that it will pass. As for the uniform, I sure you look good in anything you have to wear.