With all this prepwork on becoming foster parents, Mr. Star and I are slowly realizing a pretty important thing. We don’t have any positive examples of good parents in our life. My dad was awesome, but he’s gone now, so I can’t ask him for advice. I’m certainly not going to ask my mom or his parents. Or any of my aunts or uncles. All our friends with kids have very young children, so we don’t know how they will feel as adults.
So, does anyone here think their parents did a really good job? What did you like? What did you think wasn’t so great? Do you feel like you were sufficiently prepared for the real world? How do you raise a kid who actually likes you once they become an adult? I feel like I’m flying blind here.
I got some unlucky breaks. I got some lucky breaks too. And lucky is opportunity and preparation. My parents are real good people. I don’t agree with them on everything and I think they made a few mistakes in raising their children. But add in some lucky breaks and I’m completely grateful for my parents now. I like them even if there’s major issues I completely disagree with them too. Overall we are on the same plane mostly. I feel I’ve been opened to worlds that they have not through experience mostly. They would benefit from the experience I went through without risking losing their sanity.
I love my parents.
They did some mistakes that I’ll advise you to avoid:
don’t punish the child for having negative emotions. Give it time to cool down, and then try to talk about it
don’t take it personally if the child acts out.
don’t act like you have less love for the child if it misbehaves
Can’t really think of any more. Remember, most children have those rebellious teen phases, but they grow out of them eventually. Be patient and understanding, but set consistent boundaries.
I have really good parents. They disciplined us when they had to but always made sure we knew we were loved. I had two younger brothers and they always showed us equal affection. Nobody was the favorite child. They also made us do chores and helped us grow up with a sense of responsibility and working for what you have.
Now that my parents are dead I like them. I didn’t before. I love them when they visit me in my dreams. The night before last, I had a dream about my father and then another dream about my brother. They are both dead. They were wonderful dreams. When I awoke, I asked Gd to grant me a dream about my grown son. The following night, I dreamt about my son. And that was a wonderful dream. All these people are dead.
I love my parents because i can always count on their help. I don’t get along with them all the time but generally they are good people and lovely, kind and funny sometimes. I would be lost without them. They encourage me, guide me and they feel when I’m not alright.
My mom’s great, don’t know my biological dad, step dad is an angry and hateful person. I was depressed into my twenties because of how much anger was in the household every day of my childhood.
Raising kids is difficult. My mother didn’t raise me. My great grandparents did. They were loving but stoic, old fashioned. Not a lot of hugs, so I grew up not liking to be touched. I hug my kids a lot though. I want them to like hugs as I hated them growing up.
I loved my great grandparents because I knew they didn’t have to take me in but they did and showed me a lot of love by feeding me, buying my clothes, taking me places. I knew I wasn’t their child. It is important when someone like that gives you love, just like fosters.
Show that you care. Make sure you are transparent in that. Kids can tell when someone is faking it. Go ahead and get attached even if they have to leave sometime because the kids will remember that love.
This is something I’ll be able to do easily. I bond with them people very quickly, and express affection well. Mr. Star will have to work more on it, because he’s very reserved. He’s worried our kids will hate us for not being their “real parents” but I don’t think he has to worry.
Some might feel that way at first. Who knows what they went through or how they were taken away? It’s going to be very hard for some of them. They’ll be doubly needful of caring and gentleness.
I assume every adopted teenager goes through that phase at some point, when they’re in their angsty hate-the-world phase. But I don’t think it will be a constant thing, especially since we are going to be taking in babies.
I love my parents. But they made a lot of mistakes. I remember growing up there were cigarettes, weed and beer in the house but barely any food. My mom never believed me about the molestation by my father’s friend who I think she was in love with. I knew of my father’s infidelities they got brought up every single fight my parents had. When my dad would threaten violence my mom would use my brother and I as shields.
My Mom is the responsible parent. My Dad mainly failed to be a good parent. My Mom was always there for me and my brothers. My Dad ran to an apartment in town at age 10 or 11, and then went to another state at age 14. My Dad refused to pay child support at one point and argued that my step-father should be the one to step up. While it was true my Mom didn’t remarry well it’s unforgivable that my Dad was indicating that he did not want to be a responsible parent anymore. My brothers did well as parents and I have had a good support system with Mom being the rock even though the illness proved to be impossible to defeat in my case. Mom has rushed to practically every family crisis she could and has been a wonderful example as a parent, a grandparent, and a great-grandparent. I miss my Dad but do not want to be like him.
During my tweens and teens my dad was an alcoholic and my mum wasn’t there emotionally. They both were very distant. I felt I couldn’t talk to them or receive any support. Add in a sexual assualt by a neighbor at age ten that I couldn’t talk about until two decades later.
Now things are better. My dad has been sober for six years and my mom and I have more of a connection. I can forgive them and myself. I just wish they would have came to me and recognized how much I was struggling with life. So now at 35 years old I see things differently. But having a good listening dynamic between parent and child is paramount to a good relationship.
Best of luck @Ninjastar with the fostering. You’ll do well.
My parents did a pretty good job most of the time, the only mistake they made was when I hit my teens and they were trying to pressure me into further education and a career before I was ready for it, and I really resented that I felt like they were trying to make me like them and not allow me to follow my own path. They did come round in the end though, and took the philosophy that it was better to let me go my own way, then they always told me that my life was my own to do as I pleased with, but they made it very clear that if things went wrong I could always come to them. I don’t have kids of my own, but the one thing I think was truly important to me was to have the freedom to follow my own path and learn from my own mistakes. There have to be boundaries of course, especially with younger children, but I think giving as much freedom as possible will earn their respect. Just have to say, I think what you are doing is amazing, my best friend has just adopted a baby boy, and I think giving a loving environment to a child who can’t be looked after by their birth parents is a wonderful thing to do. (I guess this touches me because I am adopted).
