Should I continue going outside even if I am almost as an animal now and try to not care? I guess the others see it… I look at my feet outside lol…
I wouldn’t force going out too much. I go for little walks to the store sometimes but it’s too dang hot now!!
It is a slow process sometimes, recovery 
. I still think u can keep getting better tho 
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Ok, thanks, really 
But me, I’ve spent at home the last 20 years and I need to do some small tries now… one doc told me, that I wont be happy without the others… and I’ve already did that for 20 years… my situation is a bit special.
Ok, thank you that someone believes still in my healing 
I feel stressed when the others push me now on this… I know it all well by myself, that the time is not on my side, I know it… but everyone irl here gets impatient to see me changed already idk…
My head was hurting this night from overthinking tbh… I took an aspirin, I wonder if it’s good for these kind of headaches, from overthinking yeah… haha… am doping a bit yeah…
Anyway, I’ll never forget this forum… you all try to help, while I only complain… but my story is very special, maybe one day it’ll help some 
I’ll try my dentist tomorrow though… I go crazy as fuk there, idk if it’s bad this, but one tooth should be seen now
Good luck at the dentist.
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yea best of luck with the dentist visit!
and keep trying to get better @Anna1
I think there is always room for getting better.
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Thank you, dear…
My dentist saw me, she said to wait some months still for that cavity, otherwise she’ll just damage my tooth. I’ll calm down, hah, it’s better like this
Well, I was probably scared of the madness before in fact… I was looking for normality everywhere I find… the people hated me for that…
Do you think, that we’ll always be different because of our sz? Or the thing is just to be happier and the most of it will look normal then to me?
Sorry for my questions, am just lost still…
I also need to get out of the feeling to be a bad person, of my bad conscience too… this conflict is stronger always in my evenings…
But yeah, I try to relax my mind mostly now. My somatics (the body) should follow too with that I hope.
But yeah, I’ll be always strange with that illness, right? Maybe i should get used to that now hah 
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I think we will always be different but also the same. Everyone has their own burdens to deal with. Ours just happens to be very annoying and mind-f*** us sometimes >:(
Zyprexa is one of the very best AP’s out there @Anna1 .
Ok, I give you a brief report for those, who are a bit interested…
Today, I was feeling more energy tbh. Mostly, with less pain… it’s new for me… the somatics, the body discomfort and just the darkness were with me since kid… yeah, I am a special case here, cause probably ill since kid
My ex pdoc said, that I have paranoid sz with mostly negative symptoms… so I am on the both sides, what a luck yeah… you work on my paranoia, my negatives worsen… you work on my negatives, my paranoia worsens… tbh, I am on a few meds now, but for ten years, the meds never helped me very well and believe me, I was trusting the docs a looot… so I’ll keep it with my current trt… zyprexa and klonopin…
Ok, my body heaviness and pains probably show another mi, right? Maybe depression or maybe just negatives yeah… I really need to say again, that my practice and other thinking was screwe* up for years… and I was aware of it… I suffered a lot to dont have my mind, a better, smarter mind, being nonfunctional too
Maybe that’s why I am not better, even after years on meds… because of the negatives, right? Well, the paranoia is still a problem also…
My biggest source of total, hellish, animalesque despair was based on the fact, that I felt only in pain mostly since kiddo… 
I couldnt see how I’ll do it regardless the bad prognosis of it 
… this still shocks me, paralyzes me… I think, that the despair is a sin, but gosh, mine was for so long and so heavy that I turned in something else, not Anna… I should forget that you think? That I was ill since kid? Anyone else like that? 
Anyway… so I was having normal energy today in the day, my mind was calmer also tbh, which is a better mode for a future thinking I guess my somatics were better for once too lol…
Now in the evening, I just became way too “awaken” though, probably the famous paranoia yeah, which scrues all feeling and the healthy thinking too… this will ease in a few I guess… I am here, on the couch, enduring every wave of every different state now… so you could see how I am in the evenings lol… I cant take a med for every state of mine, pals… I have 10 different ones in a day… it’s not a mistake that, right? So I still endure my illness but I am walking forward and am changing yeah 
So, for the rest, how my life will be with my heavy sz? probably harder forever… even my nephew told me, that he saw a sz in the bus, who was singing there, the people were applauding, but I have no this freedom, neither the courage… so idk how my life will be…
Did I get this oppressed girl, very scared and almost frozen in herself, where theres no even a healthy personality because of the beatings of my dad? Idk… my family tends still to think, that its genetics
Goldenrex, I dont sit anymore in my room calmly though dear I really am trying things… so I change, but I am still very fragile and sick…
Does some of you believe, that one day, I’ll feel as a healthy person, a bit happier too? 
and maybe one day, I’ll be more sure in myself and my abilities so I’ll seek for a partner idk… I know some mi people in my life… but they were way braver and more active than me, so they either didnt need me as a partner…
We’ll see, a sz since kid lol… this is hard
But whatever… I am numb right now I find, but I saw today how I wasnt able to see the whole picture of the reality in my head for decades, so I was out of my mind for that time, sheesh… it’s strange to be ill since kid, isn’t it?.. yeap…
Probably I’ll have to change totally everything in my life one day, including myself but it’s a bit scary this…
That’s all pals, you’ll warm my heart if you have some thoughts on this message
Take care all!!
Pals, is it ok to be so scared from the others? …
I cant stand even when theres fights, this is the nightmare for me… I get my somatics then and even that I pretend to be calm now, all shyt vibrates inside of me by fear… I am scared also, that one day, someone will hit me or aggressive me… Idk why is all that, maybe because of the beatings of my father on my mother and sister
But is it shocking for a normie to see such a scared person as me? What do you think? Or it’s the opposite, they can even understand this and will be more gentle for example?
I hope some of you became stronger though I dont curse my fate anymore, nope, but I’d wish there was less fear, cause I have it even physically…
Sometimes yes. Usually no. Most people are not dangerous.
Do you tell your doctor about these somatic symptoms of fear?
She said, that the ap should help on the somatics sooner or later… I am also allowed benzos…
My problem is, that i lived with fear and paranoia since kid, so i became intellectually disabled. When you cant think well, there are some things like the fear, who are accentuated… My doc was saying, that i cant think, cause i have mostly paranoid thoughts… I developed thinking deficits, for sure…
I didnt ask if its ok to be scared from people, cause i look now for a better connection with the reality… I was just wondering if my fear can piss off somebody? I look as a coward, my ill friends were never so scared… Its hard to be like that, but i wont blame myself anymore to be a coward… You didnt know the terror at my house, i couldnt have been stronger, so i turned sick with it…
I mean, that my best friend, who is ill, is lately very pissed off that i am often scared, she doesnt understand… Neither my mother. so i am alone with that. I find, that its ok to be it, after what ive known… But are the others shocked that i have this run away behaviour? hah…
What is your mother’s opinion about what happened when you were kid ?
Well, she said, that its not the abuse of my father, who made me sick, but that its genetics… She said, that many knew worse, but didnt turn sick…
But my sister, when she is a bit more honest per moments, said, that we lived so much terror at home around my father, that the others cant even imagine it…
My mother denies that its the abuse… She now even cries about my father sometimes… Idk, it wasnt good at all at home… For example, he was saying, that to dance is a ‘‘sluth’’ thing… I never had a hug, neither a conversation with him… He beated once my sister, when she was 4 years old… I was obliged only to have good notes at shcool, under the menace of a beating if not this… There was no communication, neither emotions, i ended up by not knowing who i am, struggling to talk even…
But do you understand, that the others make me feel as coward with my fear? Its hard to be seen as a mouse, as a slave almost… its natural to experience fears with all that…
I think you have always been fearful and sensitive. Even as a kid. Otherwise your sister would have ended up with the same illness as you. Because of the abuse. But she was stronger mentally. So maybe it’s genetic. At least partially. But I’m not a doctor.
Yeah, but the job of the parents is to encourage this kid and make him know the bravery no? Sorry, but they destroyed me… and I start to be fed up , that the others dont like me cause I am a coward… i feel the only paranoid sz, idk how is for the others here… I dont know why i am so scared and this is a turn off… why???
I told you, andrey… it’s very hard to be even physically disabled by my kind of sz and the others treat me as a coward… I should not care or what?
Yes yes. I used to hold a grudge against my parents too. They made many mistakes with me too.
But I have made peace with them. It’s not good to keep negative feelings, you need to let go.
I don’t know how I can help you. My illness is very different…
Yeah, I am letting go now…
But I am shaking my leg sometimes at home and the last time, my ill friend said, that this makes her nervous, sheesh… I am tired with all crazy stuff too… me too i need lots of love and support…
You are shocked by someone so scared as me? Yeah, you cant understand an isolation of 20 years… I had no luck with my parents, that’s sure… my dad was a psycho, my mother became tough too…
Tbh, lately, I walk forward even with the fear in my gut, but I feel it in me, so it’s not good still…
Did you see any other schizophrenics, who were even physically scared as me? This is still sz, right?
My friend is sz, but she never had fears… She was very loved in her family etc…
But to be a coward as me is a turn off or no? I wonder if I can heal a bit on that… my pdoc said to pay efforts now hah. They think, that I have psychological damages now…
But maybe I’ll be always fragile after have known so much fear for long, no? Mhm, am fed up by this yeah…
It’s not a turn off. But it will block your recovery… There is no medicine for courage except drugs like “ecstasy” but don’t take them. They would make things worse. Maybe therapy like CBT could help. But you said you don’t want to try it.