Can i feel better with this past? and with a mother, who keeps saying that ill be forever sick and alone?
Should i keep fighting for real, @Yellowdiamond ? Does it worth it?
I was been in hell, but the worst is that i still think, that i am the only one who knew that… For god sake, to treaten me to take away my civil rights? One friend of mine says, that my mother sees me as an abomination… But i look like it in my illness too yeah…
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should i continue fighting if i was such a severe psycho? Can i feel better? I should forget the pain or what?
For real, should i continue fighting?
should i continue trying to live, while i was so severe for 20 years? my past is haunting me, no one here had it like that, sorry to say it, but its true…
should i look still from my own strength? When you have a mother like that, a father like that, its just hell…
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Now you all know my situation… Can you give me reasons why i should continue living?
a mother who said, that shell take away my rights, yeah…
Could you move out?
No, am too weak mentally still and even physically… But i live alone in my flat, you know… My mother has another flat in the same building…
She helps me with some things still though… Maybe she became like that, cause she was beaten, not me… i am dependent psychologically still on her… I have love still for her, even compassion… she is not all bad though, maybe… My best friend is sz too, she has an episode now and she said, that her mother curses her now…
so maybe i am not alone to have my mother like that, idk…
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It is good you are taking walks now.
Maybe with time you can taper down I mean reduce the dose of some of your non antipsychotics medications if your pdoc approves.
Idk I just get the feeling maybe you are over medicated.
I could be wrong.
Keep doing small things regularly like going for walks and meeting your friend.
All the small things add up!
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Ok, thanks. But i dont have many meds since years, nope… 10 mgs of zyprexa is not much, its the minimum…
anyway, i should believe in a well being for me, have my strength from that? Not killing myself right now? 
and maybe no hate for my mother now?
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Yea I would suggest don’t kill yourself.
Only because then you’ll never know if your life can improve.
We would also miss you on here.
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hah, a suggestion? I needed to hear an order but anyway. I was too torn because of my past, i’ll be very special person outside there one day with it… not as the others who cant even imagine what ive saw…
But anyway…
Ok, no killing myself, no kill… I will heal, ok, ill feel better, happier, no pain, ok, i’ll try…
You were good to me, thanks for the shared time 
Ill just write you a pm to say you something briefly. Hugs
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I really feel your struggle Anna. Sometimes I get the idea that I’m the only person struggling this hard with life and it makes me feel so alone. People like us has been to hell and back just trying to function from one day to the next.
It wasn’t until I found this website that I figured out there were people going through some of the same issues I’ve been going through.
I understand us sz’s can be hard to handle let alone help at times. But still people that don’t have it shouldn’t even be judging us so harshly. They have absolutely no clue what we go through. We didn’t ask for this, we don’t want to have to live our lives like this, if only they knew. People that talk bad or see us as some monster, their opinion on the matter carries no weight.
I wish you and your family the best, lord knows you deserve it. I hope your able to work things out with them, and if you don’t, I hope you can find someone in your life to be there for you in times of need. I hope you don’t give up on life. I know the feeling of having nothing left, no reason to get out of bed in the morning,the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness, and I’m not gonna sit here and act like I’ve never questioned just ending my life. You just got to know your not alone no matter how alone you feel. Someone out there is more than willing to listen to your struggle you just gotta find those people.
I hope this helped you, hang in there. You never know what beauty the future might bring.
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Anxiety was not one of my problems when I was on Zyprexa. I just craved sugar and I wanted to sleep a lot. I was mildly depressed while I was on it.
i have a lot of fear too… i don’t go outside alone cause i’m too afraid and paranoid. I never been on zyprexa though… i’m on risperdal consta and clozapine and that helps but it doesn’t take the fear away totally.
You should keep fighting though @Anna1 … we would really miss you if you were gone and i’m sure your mum would miss you too!
Ok, thanks @lekkerhondje. Thank you all I couldnt go to the dentist today, its not a big deal, its not so urgent…
In fact, i also have thinking deficits, idk if the aps work on this. Probably no? So i realize well too much, that i am sick, i see it every day. But with these thinking deficits, even if my paranoia lowers, i cant be totally functional… We’ll see… My friend says, that this kind of dementia is reversible…
Ok, my paranoia is in my thinking… having that since decades, I developed thinking deficits too… Basically, I worry almost all the time…
It’s very painful, pals…
Do you think, that the zyprexa will ease my paranoia? I guess it’s harder when you have a thinking deficiency as well and being quite aware of it, right?
My head feels overwhelmed by worries… theres no calm and happy thoughts there… with these deficits, I am blind for the most of the reality still tbh…
Someone was like me here? Do you think that the zyprexa will work? My pdoc said, that it’s the best med…
I need spirit in my mind I find, while theres only worries for now and since long…
Will this ap kick the ass of my paranoia soon? Or it’ll be harder cause I have thinking deficits as well and I realize it way too much?
Gosh, I hope that it wont take me another ten years to recover on thinking and get rid out of the paranoia… who had to be patient too on that and he saw smalley by smalley some relief?
Why does the paranoia is so hard even on meds? The fear affects even my body, you know… tight stomach, tight chest etc…
I also have bad anxiety that builds into fear sometimes 
Being self-aware is a blessing and a curse, especially with sz. I am just trying to take things one day at a time at this point.
And I agree with @lekkerhondje . Ur posts are full of personality and I would miss U too!!
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Oh, this touches me… thank you…
I just finished “the handmaid’s tale”… I wonder if I pay my mistakes now, or even my sins…
I was a real psycho for a moment tbh… I had bad thoughts, my friends got it all with me…
Well, I never acted, I was always more crippled here between these 4 walls , I was still wishing in my thoughts the good to my friends and family, but my paranoia now is painful…
@cathart1c , do you think, that the zyprexa can help me with time? I should be patient or what? 
I guess my 20 years old isolation made the things much worse yeah… I should have fought before… but at my 20s, I was already a given up person…
Now I want the healing already, but I guess the situation is bad here yeah…
I was enduring the paranoid pain for years, I lately scream about that, cause it’s too much… really… anyway
For the positive, I’ll try to see my dentist tomorrow.
Sheesh, I say it still, this ap has interest to kick in my head lol…
I think it definitely could help. How long have u been on it?
I am a half human now tbh I am afraid… and I was even worse than that for years, without realizing that I am too ill, too out of the how a person should behave and act…
Should I continue fighting even if I am a half person now, savage, almost as an animal??
Am sorry for my posts… I just dont find much relief in the meds…
4 years… but my pdoc said that I am severe case with my isolation of 2 decades and she said, that it can take me years to recover… I responded only to zyprexa, and even this, only a few… so she said to not switch it anymore… I’ve tried 11 other aps before that…
Anyway… I have too many mental issues, I cant take meds for all of them…
Anyway, I dont even want to cry here now…
I just thought today if I was a psycho and if I have enemies now.
Whatever
I dont need to think of enemies now, sheesh… am sick, that’s all…
But my mind is probably occupied to think only shi*, its painful…