The other thread got me thinking about what it was like when I was pretty sick.
When I was very ill, I used to tell myself that I wasn’t afraid, of dying, fighting, jail, the hospital, of anything. The truth was that I lived every single day in fear of things both real and imagined. Paranoia and delusional thoughts for me were as much fear inspiring as they were evocative of the desire for vengeance or of feelings of resentment. It was a miserable existence and not one I wish to experience again.
How has your experience been with this illness and fear?
Voices threatening to snap my back in half doesn’t help.
Maybe i shouldn’t be afraid though huh? Even though they have proven some of what they can do already.
I think it’s funny how people with the least to fear or be concerned about feel the strongest. Funny little world this really is. They suffer the least but talk the most and biggest.
It’s all rather humorous what people say sometimes.
I only recently realized how extensive my paranoia is. I never feel alone. Especially at night. It’s always like there’s things watching me. I used to have it all the time as a kid, and as I got older I only experienced it if I was under stress. During my episodes I develop awful insomnia because of the demons I believe are everywhere. It doesn’t help I hear them talk and can feel it when they touch me.
When I’m under a lot of stress my delusions become paranoid, and those are pretty awful too. Constant fear of being kidnapped or something terrible happen to me. Once I had a voice say “We will use men to hurt you.” I was TERRIFIED of men for months. I’m still nervous around them to be honest. Every time a guy looked at me I wished I could just disappear, and all these thoughts would come into my head over what might happen. I was afraid every time I went outside, so I tried to avoid it.
Fear is and was a big component of my psychosis. I always felt in danger, and threatened by people. Even though I’m not psychotic now, I still am fearful of everything.
It won’t stop until I learn to trust myself and others again. This illness has destroyed a lot of my trust and confidence. But I’m learning not to be so afraid nowadays.
I live in fear. But so do lots of people. Most people will leave you alone if you stand up to them. All I ask from people is a fighting chance. I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m bluffing or not. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.
Some things cause natural fears and there are healthy fears, like being afraid of something that can harm or kill you, and using that fear to be aware and avoid such events…
And there is paranoid fear where it can go overboard and become irrational…
The other day a black sedan drove by slowly and stopped at the corner of my road for a minute…then drove slowly off. last time that happened was in 2008 when a black suburban stopped at my driveway and started driving off when i approached, and drove faster as I began to run towards it to get its plate #…
In 2009 or 10 a black helicopter circled my house very low…until I grabbed the camera and came outside…it flew off very fast…
I know people get paranoid about these things, but in reality who was doing the running?
I also realize the car may have been just someone looking at properties in the neighborhood or someone lost, but then again it could have been THEM…oh well… maybe I should no longer talk about …[CLASSIFIED]
Mine was horrible,I was at home most of the time yet i didn’t feel alone though due to the voices.
I was manically happy but that was no good,had got forced to harm myself and others by my voices and was literally out of society,My anxiety is the problem currently though even though my meds have been reduced due to the meds giving me anxiety.
Between 2012 and 2014 I lived in fear of a relapse. I still do but much less now because I found the antipsychotics I am taking now can effectively suppress delusions and hallucinations.
