Thank you to everyone for having the courage to share your stories. For my story, when I was 9 my brother raped my little sister who was 4, and when I turned 14, he let his friends into my room while I was asleep. I don’t know all that went on, because I only woke up a few times, and after awhile I began to have trouble distinguishing nightmares from reality. I was told by them that all guys were this way and if I didn’t want the attention I should stop dressing so slutty.
In response, I chopped all my hair off and dressed in baggy men’s clothes. It didn’t stop though, not until he moved out and I stopped having nightly visits. But after he moved out I started coming out of my haze and even made some friends. I never chose to have sex though. It just seemed gross and wrong and I couldn’t understand the appeal.
When I was 23, I was living on my own for the first time. I went out to a bar, and ordered one beer after a tough evening
at work. I made the mistake of going to the bathroom, and then coming back to finish that one beer. I remember it hit me a lot harder than I was expecting it to. Then this guy told me I was too drunk to drive and nobly offered to drive me home. I remember flashes of him walking me to my door and being in my room for some reason. I woke up with my pants around my ankles in a puddle of vomit.
I refused to admit what happened for a year. I had a major psychotic break and wasn’t able to stop throwing up the entire time. I lost my job and apartment and began living in my car. Luckily, I found the social networking site Couchsurfing, and I found places to stay with nice people until I inherited a little bit of money. I put that money into finally getting treatment and therapy, and slowly I was able to rebuild my life.
After that, I figured if my virginity was taken from me without my consent, I may as well see what all the fuss was about, so I slept with a friend of mine from grade school. It was really unpleasant, so I thought maybe I was gay. I tried having sex with a girl and that was also unpleasant. Then I thought I was asexual. It never occurred to me that I was just traumatized.
Then, one night at a party, after I had gone to bed, the friend I had sex with came into my room and started trying to have sex with me. I said no like five times, but in the end I just gave in because he wouldn’t leave me alone. I’m still not sure if this counted as rape or not.
My story isn’t as bad as others. I made some unsafe decisions, and for a long time, I blamed myself for what happened. But then for the first time I met guys who were actually decent, and would never think to take advantage of a woman who was anything less than fully enthusiastic. I slowly realized that not everyone is like my brother and his friends, and that, under the right circumstances, sex can be enjoyable. It took a lot of work to get to that point, and I am pretty sure it is only enjoyable with my fiancé. I think I would hate sex with literally anyone else.