I mean being able to talk and resolve issues has always been for me a part of my recovery. But what do I tell this woman, do I tell her anything or just keep ignoring her? She has been calling me all day. Sending me messages. Facebook message. What do I do at this point? I don’t feel like answering the phone because frankly I don’t feel like I am able to hold my own when talking with her. I can’t think of what to say it feels like I am rebounding into the same bad relationship. Its like she cares so much and says I mean so much to her but on the phone what she talks about doesn’t really reflect whats she is suppose to be feeling for me. At least I don’t feel it. I don’t feel good ignoring her forever though. Am I suppose to say something? But what? I don’t want our relationship as a whole to end. Just the part where she makes me feel bad. It’s like I put some of my dreams into the relationship. And so did she. I’d like to think of something to say. That will give her encouragement and possibly I still want to talk with her. But with something straightened out between us. You know?
This is just my odd perspective, but I’d encourage you to straight up say that as an old friend you hope she gets some help with kicking the drugs. Things with you can’t go further if she’s going to be the drug taking party girl. You will talk to her, you will listen,… But only when she’s not high or drunk.
I personally don’t believe she can know how she feels if she’s in the deeps of addiction. I don’t think she’s lying to you when she says she feels something for you… I see it as the same feeling as the guys who get a temporary crush on my sis after she does a rescue on them. You love the people who save you for a moment or two.
But then the addiction will kick in again and it will start all over. You are stable and she is not and I’m sure she’s reaching for help. But you alone can not help her.
My sis alone can’t save the addicted she has tried, even a team of doctors can’t always save us addicted. We have to sort of get ready to save ourselves.
It’s going to be hard, and heart breaking, but stick to your boundaries and stay true to your stability and yourself and just tell her, you can NOT be involved in her life any deeper if she’s not going to kick the drugs.
Either she kicks the drugs out of her life or she kicks you out of her life. Either way it’s better then what’s happening now.
I don’t know anything about addiction, let me be clear on that. Surprised J might be right, maybe telling her you will be there for he as she recovers (if she is willing to) will help. I don’t know.
But I do think that if her manner doesn’t reflect what she says her feelings are for you she is either lying to herself and you or just you. But you know her better than I do. She might just be desperate for a boyfriend. Some girls are like that. They just want a guy, any guy (I’m not saying you aren’t an attractive guy, it’s this all seems to be, from the way you said it, kinda sudden).
I guess it depends on if you are a “feelie” like I am or not. I need to feel needed, wanted, loved, ect. I need to have my hand held and soup brought to me when I am sick (I return the favor of course, in my own ways, his favorite coffee in the morning, dinner, ect.) but if you are a “withdrawn” like my Uncle R and Aunt M that’s ok too. They are very, what other people would call cold, but I just see it as inwardly focused (not in a bad way, in a "I’m going to mind my own business and not stick my nose in yours kind of way). That’s ok too. I just think problems happen when a “feelie” and a “withdrawn” get together.
You don’t “feel the love” when my Aunt and Uncle talk, they are both very formal, but they have two kids and my Aunt has moved to the same state as her daughter to help watch over her kids and my Uncle goes up whenever he can. They probably don’t say “I love you” much (kinda like my Dad. We don’t get along well because he is a withdrawn and I am a feelie) but I know my Aunt and Uncle love each other. My Uncle was thinking of getting a divorce once when she went back to college because he wanted her there with him, not far away.
Does she back up her claims with actions? I used to feel unloved by anyone but that was a delusion. I think one way you can tell is think about your mom. Do you feel like your mom loves you? If you feel the love, I think it’s just that she doesn’t really care about you.
But actions are more important. Has she set up special things for you? I don’t mean in a way that she uses her body (which some girls seem to do very easily to the point where it is no longer romantic) but an emotional action. Have you two been out together and you fawn over a $10 watch (not something expensive it’s far far to early for you to be getting each other expensive things) or a box of chocolates that you really shouldn’t eat because you feel bad because you will eat them all in one day, or a poster of a work of art you really love, something like that, and surprised you with it? Or made you something? I don’t mean she was making dinner for her kids and included you but that she maybe made her kids fish sticks (or something that they would like) and cooked your favorite meal just for you. Actions speak louder than any word.
If she has proved herself through actions, you just might not be able to pick up on the emotion in her voice yet. If she hasn’t, block her. She’s just going to drag you into a bunch of stuff you don’t want to be a part of.
Also, have you known her long enough for her to be this attached? People who pick up and just cling instantly usually cause disastrous relationships that require years of therapy.
I would make it clear that you wont be in a romantic relationship unless she cleans up her drug/alcohol habits. She obviously wants you to be a man and help raise her children, I think she knows you are a straight shooter and that you take care of things, and would be good at raising kids. But it sounds like she needs you, it doesnt sound like she loves you. I know that sounds harsh, but given what you’ve said about her, that’s my opinion.
I just see you realizing you’re about to get taken advantage of, and it’s a good thing you realize it.
If you can’t stand her messaging you, you can get her number blocked.
I figured her out everyone. She was really stressing after I had ignored her. So I took her call. Earlier today i talked with my 3rd girl in which i met in chronological order in my life. The relationship i was having trouble with was my #1. Don’t mean to sound like such a ladies man. However after talking with #3 I noticed everything about her, her tone of voice, her patience, she’d let me know in advance when we’d change topics etc. She made me understand #1. #1 she’ll talk herself and any junk that goes along with her mind. I learned to just stick out my ear antenna and just listen. I’m not going to run my mouth at her anymore because you can’t have two mouth runners going off at the same time. Why is#1 so vastly different what in life forged such different personalities than #3?
What I got from my early childhood development course was that most of personality is inborn. It’s just there. They tried to play it off like nurture plays a bigger part (I think they wanted us to just not throw up our hands and give up) but it sounded to me like it was more nature.
Ditch #1 quick if she only wants to talk about herself and doesn’t want to listen when you say stuff. There are a lot of things I don’t know about C. I make sure to listen carefully to everything he says (I still get it wrong though. He wanted a weekend to himself but I insisted on coming over and he missed the event he had planned for the next day. I just don’t understand hints.) But as I just proved, I get it wrong a lot. It’s easy to listen to C because I love him and he doesn’t say much so it’s easier for me to keep track of what he said. Note: easier.
Is #3 taken? If not maybe she has a secret thing for you? She sounds AWESOME!
Thanks but yeah #3 is taken. We were talking about our past relationship today. I’m aware she has a husband in Europe, who is petitioning her to come over there and that it would take a year. And I felt her concern whether or not her hubby would be faithful to her during this time. She is so professional and I feel like I am the one who is not watching my etiquette when I speak with her. #1 Brings up sex a lot. I know when she is about to I tell her, look I have to go. #3 was respecting our past relation and when it came to the topic of sex she just handled it gracefully. #1 is omg, she is so graphic. Maybe she thinks guys prefer that. When I am talking to her the hints like you say are hard to pick up. I mean I am trying to understand her better. And not go off in a tangent that is confusing for the both of us. Although she’s easy to bring to laughter. #3 Was mentioning #4 & #5 without any sign of jealousy at all. I mean it all occurred in the same City D, and E. I have yet to contact #4 She had a 4 year old daughter when I met her. #5 was my baby mama mother of my only son. And I have no contact with her yet either. I want to contact them all and see how they are doing. Because its amazing how time shifts the conversation from the way things used to be.
Maybe #3 could set you up with someone? I’m sure a wonderful woman like her knows other wonderful women. And she can explain how you are, so they know what they are going for. Good and bad.