Back in January I decided to go off all medication but I kept it a secret. I was fine. 3 months ago I decided to tell everyone. My T knew I wasn’t reliable when taking them but it was the first time I told her I didn’t want to put that crap in my body and I didn’t want to hide it anymore.
Welp, were back to twice a week sessions because I can feel a depression coming on and my mind being slightly more erratic. Last session she strongly suggested getting back on medication. But I don’t feel that’s a fair assessment because all I ever talk about there is what’s wrong. We don’t talk about the fact that I am a great support to my friends. That I’ve been getting out to do things like hiking with others. That I’m working really hard at my job and was given an award. In other words, that I’m not completely ■■■■■■ up. All we ever talk about is my delusions and how much time I spend alone.
There is a part of me that really honestly loves my friends and family. That loves and takes care of MYSELF. And yes I’m beginning to feel depression coming on. But for once I don’t feel like taking my own life. I feel like I really need to tell her this.
I think she’s way more concerned about me than she needs to be. I plan to do this today but here’s the catch… I selfharmed last night. I feel like I need to tell her both things but obviously which ever one I choose to talk about second will undermine the first and I will be untrustworthy. I don’t want her to think I’m incapable of judging my own okayness. Any advice?
That’s a great idea. Absolutely terrifying but great. I’d like to tell her without reading this or having her read it because I’m a chicken. But it is still an awesome idea. This will be my plan of action if I can’t figure something out that’s less terrifying. Thank you. Feels good to have a plan. Much appreciation.
You need to be on medication…no when you’re ill you can’t accurately judge what’s best for you…how I see it is if I wasn’t on an antidepressant one day I may have a depressive episode bad enough to where I kill myself, as I have been suicidal before and harmed myself. Are you willing to take that risk?
And for psychosis, @everhopeful likes to say what if one day you suddenly believe you can fly and jump out a window?
Basically since we can’t predict what trouble we will get ourselves into when ill we have to do all we can preventatively in hopes of avoiding that trouble altogether.
I don’t have those beliefs. I believe things like string theory and multiple universes. I know I can’t fly and I can feel myself getting bad. Why is it so hard for people to see not everyone needs to be drugged up all the time? I tried once last year, I Was completely aware of my actions but I was too insecure to tell anyone. I took myself to the hospital. I committed myself to inpatient. I put myself in therapy. I take care of myself. And I have a plan in case I’m suicidal. I really honestly don’t want to die. I take every precaution there is so that doesn’t happen.
It’s just that medication is not for me. Not because I think it might be poison but because, my body does not react well to it. I become sluggish and apathetic. Not myself.
To add to that I have terrible memory so sometimes (a lot of the time) I forget to take them and that’s when I’m most suicidal because my body doesn’t know how to react to the withdrawal. I’m not putting myself through it again.
I mean I’ve held down the same high stress job since I was 19 and I’m a full time college student with a 3.13 gpa. This has yet to affect me so greatly I can’t do those things. Key word “yet”. The minute I can’t support myself anymore, I’ll compromise my personality and go on meds.
Btw this isn’t meant to bash your advice or anyone who is on medication, this is just my reasoning on why I won’t take medication unless I am a risk to myself or anyone else. It works for a lot of people, I don’t feel that I am one of them.
If you’re doing so well that you don’t need meds, why do you still need to talk only about what’s wrong in every apppointment? Isn’t that an indication that you still have a lot of problems in your life and maybe that this isn’t the right time to try living without meds?
Well, @Brittany, I was tried to confused my psychiatric only about my symptoms (except sleep), so that he reduce the dose to minimum. I think it works. Off medicine is a fool idea because if medicine not require by us than why disease comes.
I have been in the exact same spot as you and said a variation of those exact same things. But then my psychosis hits hard and I realize why I went on medication to begin with. When you are on meds you forget how bad your illness is because it reduces your symptoms and all you can see are how bad the side effects are, so then you think “My illness wasn’t even that bad, I don’t need these meds they suck!” And then it creates a cycle. Just remember why you went on meds in the first place. I hate them very much just like you, but we went on them (or were put on them) for a reason.
We’ve got a weird routine set up. She asks how I’ve been since last session and I never get to respond fast enough so I think she assumes it’s been bad. Then asks me about something from the previous session which as always is bad or uncomfortable because that’s the ring of things. She doesn’t realize it but when she does that I link all the bad things in my head up and that’s all I ever end up talking about. Like a flow. It’s been like this for so long that I feel kind of weird talking to her about good things. I’m realizing this just now… it’s probably something I should mention.
Sometimes I really have to think is it the best choice for me. I cannot for the life of me remember to take the damn things and I don’t want someone coming into my space to remind me to take them like a med nurse. I hate people in my house. I withdraw after not having them for a few days after a good bout of taking them. Then I feel terrible. All of my symptoms come back with a vengeance. That’s what happened the first time I tried to kill myself. I become so psychotic and so depressed after jumping off a meds cliff that sometimes I’d rather just let the depression slowly build up to suicidal thoughts because that way I know they’re coming. I can prepare for them. I have time to get the extra support. Unlike when I’m between sessions and missed meds for 4 days in a row and have a psychotic or emotional breakdown with no support. I’ve tried everything. Alarms on my phone to remember to take them, reminders, special medication apps, had others remind me and none of it works. My memory is absolutely shot. I hate when I’m that depressed. That psychotic. I’d rather it be slow and steady and predictable.
How much time do you get and is it a therapist or a psychiatrist? It’s best to have one that will do both and listen to you for an hour and prescribe meds. I’ve done all 3 variations of just therapy, just psych (which means 15 min visit) and the one that does both (1hr). I would never go any other way than a combo doc again. Might be harder to find but well worth it in every way.
The self harm isn’t because I want to kill myself or because I think I’m worthless. Nothing like that. I just think blood is really cool. I like to look at it. I’d like to see it under a microscope.
I’d like to say the same. Which is why I still trust my own judgement.
Thank you for asking. It went okay. I told her in two sessions. The first I told her about trusting my own judgement. Then the second I told her about the self harm. She thinks that I’ve chosen a safer method to draw blood this time. Which is true. But that she noticed the clash between the two statements. I think she’s trying to let me work it out for myself because she has been questioning me in a way that requires me to think about both of those statements in unison. I dunno.
@Brittany I’ll tell you something that might work. Get a 7 day pill box and pit it under your pillow or by your bed. If you have morning and night pills get 2 boxes. Fill them up and then when you go to sleep take the dose for the day/time. Same thing in the morning. Not only will this keep you on track but also let you know you missed a dose of that happens or you just forget what you took already.
I don’t have a good memory for these things either, but if you put stuff in a spot that you know you’ll see it it’s as if you don’t even need to remember cause it’s there in front of your eyes. This technique can be used with anything
She is a therapist. I’ve been with her for two years. I couldn’t see myself switching. I’ve tried talking to psychiatrists and they never seem to get it or have the compassion that a therapist does. I feel very pressured into meds when I’m with them. I just want to be as independent as possible. I don’t want to feel pressured into anything. Especially something as serious as medication. I want to make my own decisions. That’s very important to me.
My pdoc that does therapy has told me he will never force any med changes on me without my agreement. I see you have a therapist but if you need meds then you need a dr that can prescribe. That’s where finding one that can do both can help, you don’t need to drop your therapist, just add