Alright I was talking to a woman, who I felt at first just had a bigger ego than me. Like she was the guy talking. After about an hour of conversation, I finally felt like the man talking. She was interested in me because of my qualities. I was not interested in her bimbo type approach. Yeah she thinks she could get any guy like that. Well not me. Right now her kids are a mess eating corn dogs and just being kids. Well I told her I’m the man that could enhance her kids life. Like getting them involved in a hobby something they can learn and take with them as they get older. Take them in activities. You know real dad stuff. And that is what she really wants. And I feel like until she learns to drop her airhead attitude with me and be real, she is immature she goes out a lot, drinking I assume and maybe even popping Ecstasy. I said hell no. I will straight up not get with if you are doing any of that. I mean what about her kids, having a mama that does that soooo immature right. I’ve known her for years. She floods my phone with loving messages. This been going on for about a month. And relations tend to escalate quickly. She wonders and asks if I am seeing any woman. When how I am suppose to know if she is going with any man. She says she is not, and that I am the reason. There’s just so many qualities that she could change that I don’t like. It seems to be all about the sex. I’m a man that is looking for more than just that in a woman. But I view it as God given opportunity of a life time, and I hate it when opportunities pass. So I’m playing it out. She seems to be mentally set on me, and I told her I don’t want to hurt her heart if things don’t play out and she took that negatively. She likes to imagine things, I do not. I like to keep it real. And cut out all the fluff. She sends me pics because it seems she is more confident in her boobs than her own personality. She is high maintenance, I am a country guy.
If two completely different worlds can meet in the middle to compromise, there is a chance, but not for long, it just can’t sustain any life worth living.
The kids would benefit to have you in their life no doubt, but it might cost you the chance to find the one that fits you just right.
You might be drawn into something that the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave?
That right there might answer your question. I too would fall into the problem of trying to help the kids. Poor kids. I would hate seeing them being pulled through this. But then the high maintenance, immature woman is still drinking and rolling on E.
I could see myself falling into a situation like this so easy. I would want to help the kids, I would want to help her get over her addictions and be there for her kids. But the change has to come from her.
I hope you manage to just stay friends and not have this escalate. I remember you wanted to stay single, and if you are thinking of changing that, this one might not be the one. She does need a friend… that much is obvious. I could see you being a very good friend to her. But do you think she could be a good friend or girl friend to you?
She has drawn me into a place that the longer I stay the more it escalates. I say to her as a friend I am happy for her and that maybe she will find a husband that fits her requirements. But then she says that she is not even looking for anybody else because she thinks she found that husband in me. She tells me the way I make her feel like such a girl at times. She is hiding me from her kids, she don’t want her kids to know yet that who she is talking to, she let her kids say hi to me through her phone but told me not to reply to them… see I don’t understand certain stuff about her.
My panic man is shouting long and loud reading this one. Danger, danger danger.
She wants you to be there for her kids, but doesn’t want you to talk to them? She want’s to go party and drink and do E, but she wants you to be a husband?
She is looking for a man… and you happen to be an old friend, and you are a good and kind person… so from what I’m reading, she is latching on.
I am so sorry lesterwaynedobo, do you want this sort of relationship with her? If not, you might have to cut the bond and set the boundary and let her know that if she’s going to be like this, then even being friends is going to be difficult.
I think she could be a girlfriend to me. I don’t want it to escalate too fast. I asked another friend on relationship advice and she told me to tell her to take it really slow, float, and tell her in a nice way that this is all overwhelming to me. Your absolutely right the change has to come from her, because no way am I fitting to her lifestyle she’ll have to become country and that is a big leap for a woman like this. But over time if our relationship is good I think she will for the sake of her children.
I once worked with a woman who wanted me because I was an easy target. She had kids and probably needed security more than anything else. Maybe it was financial, even though personally I am not rich.
I also dont like the fact that your lady friend is into harder drugs - this could pose a challenge and problems for you in the future. I would think twice before getting deeply involved with a woman like this. You know her better than me
That is very good advice. I think you have a very good friend in the person who told you this. I hope this lady quits drinking and doing drugs and that things work out. I really do wish for good things to come your way.
No I don’t want this sort of relationship with her. I am aware of her vices. She imagines going all the way with me more kids etc. I just think her imagination or fantasy is a bit overwhelming aggressive. We’ve always had an inseparable type bond, started when we were 16. I feel she hasn’t matured as well as I have in certain aspects of life. Latching on she is. But we have made some positive progress. I set with her my boundaries and she accepts. I have an idea of where it’s headed I’m not sure I’m full circle with it though.
Is having any kind of relationship better than none?
My observation in people is that they don’t stray to far from their true nature for too long. You’re only seeing the tip of the iceberg.
Think of it as an investment, at some point your going to want to check your returns, and then ask yourself if it is worth continuing.
Only you know what your capable of handling.
I really value that advice of yours Csummersx. No I’d rather have no relationship at all than if I am having one with the wrong type of woman. Today I was talking to her and realized that she was really stripping my dignity. So I’m going to step way back. And check my returns. I don’t want to feel like I’m going back to this relationship especially when a good part of me says there are better more compatible women out there, just have to stick my head out more. She’s entertaining me for embarrassing reasons, and she may just manipulate me to keep me by. This iceberg has been hit and she’s the Titanic sinking. She can’t even keep a man. Her history with guys is not something I’d want to tell mom. I was just in it for the past nostalgia. I see it now. I’m just picturing now how I am going to ‘eject the hardware safely without causing os problems’. Mind problems. Thanks for all the help, this goes out to you and you know who y’all are that volunteered advice. Thanks again.
I think there are better women out there who have some sense awareness of the guys emotion. I hate the ones that just talk to hear themselves out. Every time she says something I’m always quiet listening. And she aint attentative enough to what I feel. Our heads butt in conversation it just kills any type of love attraction.
I feel a little weird having said this twice in a month but, run. Run far far away. Ditch your phone. Migrate to Mexico if you have to.
Hold on now, I have an actual basis for this.
Oh, and I’m really connecting with the list thing. Just fyi.
- I once had a friend pretty much EXACTLY like her. Idk about drugs, but she defiantly had a long list of guys (to put it mildly) and even stole some from her sister, maybe because she just wanted to? She had a kid by one of these guys. I saw where she lived while she was pregnant and I was horrified. I would almost rather live in a tent. They got married and it fell apart. (Note: I’m not saying that everything in this is her fault, especially where she lived. I’m just adding the point that she took the risk of getting pregnant, from what I can tell she never used protection, when her family simply couldn’t help her if they had to). She has like 10 expensive looking tattoos. She had her daughter at about 16. Is this sounding familiar?
I will be honest. She has straightened out a lot. She’s in college, she kept her daughter, she is married to a wonderful man now, ect, but I just couldn’t keep her as a friend because she is a big liar. At first it didn’t bother me. She said she was offered a full scholarship to Harvard but refused to take care of her daughter, that she has a 4.0 GPA, and a whole host of other stuff. Other than that she seemed like a decent friend. Except I couldn’t stand how she was treating her daughter. That is ultimately why I decided to leave the friendship. Everyone was telling me she was going to use her lies to hurt me one day, but I made myself believe that she felt so bad about herself that she was trying to make herself look cool in front of me. Or she was trying to make me feel like she was better than me. I don’t know. I never felt inferior to her, but I am a very proud and pretty vain person. So that worked out well… I suppose. But a liar is a liar. I know she would have hurt me but I just wanted to help her (well really her daughter) so badly.
- This is a continuation of 1. but it is extremely extremely important. Her daughter. She paid absolutely no attention to her. She provided for her and stuff but absolutely no discipline. She is studying to be a teacher and yet she was acting like the preschool/daycare was supposed to raise her child for her. She never once helped her with her homework. She even admitted this. She administered no discipline. Sure she would get mad and say “I’m not buying you a doll when we go to walmart today because you (add the laundry list of things the girl has to do to get the Mom like this)” then when we get to walmart and the mom has calmed down she got a doll. I tried to be the parent, to discipline the girl in a fair, gentle way but I finally got the message C told me for months after he saw the kid running around outside eating a whole child sized pizza and not sitting at the table with the mom paying absolutely zero attention to her. “You can’t be this girl’s mother.” I had to quit after that. I just saw where this little girl was going and I couldn’t stand it. She was so out of control other kids at the supermarket looked at her strange like “I can’t believe she is acting like that. What is wrong with her?”.
@lesterwaynedobo you can’t take over for the Mom. You can’t be their Mom. If you were to adopt the kids this could happen, but as long as the Mom is there, doing this, there is nothing you can do. All that is going to happen is you are going to help them in the short amount of time you can before your heart crumbles because of the Mom and you have to leave.
- C’s sister has two kids. Their Mom is like this, it hurts them so much. The girl is getting into her teens and the boy is around 6. The Dad left for some other woman. The sister went nuts. C’s dad seems to think she is trying to reclaim her lost youth (she had the girl in her teens too). Its been a few months so the heartbreak excuse is wearing extremely thin. She needs to be there for her children. She is out partying. She even got arrested. I want to yell at her, I want to scream until she realizes what a bad parent she is and knocks it off. But she was never a good parent. Her parents took legal guardianship of the girl when the girl was about three or four. The boy lived with her and his Dad his whole life, I think, but from what I could tell she was a little better than my used to be friend was. If that.
Don’t get tangled up in this woman. I went to an all girl’s highschool. I have a sister. Heck we even have female dogs. I have been around girls and women my whole life and I am telling you, run. I couldn’t find it in your original post, but I seem to remember you saying you had a little money. It really sounds to me like she just wants a guy to take care of her. Someone to enable her partying and take care of the kids. Kinda like a parent. Some one to clean up the beer bottles and tuck her in when she gets too drunk.
Lastly, I hate to say this, but when you walk away (and believe me you will have to) you will just leave those kids angry, wondering why you left them.
If you do marry her, even if its just so you can take her kids away from her and give them a better life far away from neglect, ecstasy, and a perpetually drunk party parent, you won’t get them. Judges like to rule in favor of the Mom. You will have to prove that she is a bad parent, does drugs, ect. She will have it on record that you are sz. All she has to do is play into the stereotypes. Its going to be near impossible for you to prove that you are a good stable man. People have a preconceived idea about us. About all mentally ill people.
You’re going to have to leave those kids one way or another. You can either do it now before you even really know them or later when you are reminiscing over the way Bobby liked his sandwiches cut.
If you like kids there are plenty of wonderful, stable, caring single mothers out there. Don’t go for the nut job. You can have wonderful kids to love AND a wonderful loving wife. It is possible.
Oh boy. This sounds like she knows how stable and reliable you are and wants you to make up for her bad behavior. That’s what I see. I mean if she’s partying instead of raising her kids and she knows you arent gonna party, that’s just using you man. Don’t let a woman use you. Hell I just cut off a friend with benefits partly because I realize that she used me at her convenience- when I wanted sex, she was always busy or some ■■■■. That and she was average looking, batshit crazy and truly scary, unstable bipolar and sociopathic no thank you nope
I have a date with a really nice looking smart guy tomorrow. It feels good to drop negative people and meet positive people. But I have a crush on this guy and that just sets me up to get my feels crushed if he doesnt like me. That’s why its called a crush. I get crushes rather easily, usually they’re stronger if I dont really know the person and just know them from class or something. When I date people my crush usually calms down some.
I had crushes easily since I was like 7 years old. I remember my first crush so well. I wasnt even sexually mature but had terrible crushes. When I reached puberty and particularly when I got taller and bigger at 13 I quit having crushes as easily, but thats confounded by being an emo/metal kid (I returned to being a metal person at 17, now my wardrobe is half black and my ipod is half metal and i am an amateur powerlifter LOL so much for phases) When I was unmedicated at 19, I was metal as ■■■■, my life was no dating, lots of weightlifting, gallons of liquor, solitude or drinking buddies only.
You guys won’t believe what she’s doing right now. Once a poet always wise. She called me and put me on speakerphone. She had her neighbors there and she said they were doing coke. I said you lying, drugging, ass bitch, should be spending time with your kids instead your snorting ass bitch. Mortimer mouse u were right, she was using me. And she’s like pls baby… it’s so hard guys. I mean I’m preparing my fare wells right now. She has her mom paying her rent and she’s getting food stamps, I should of known. But she is sly and tempting. I’m not being that guy that waits for a change in her. Simply because years may pass and she might never learn anyhow. How should I cut bonds you guys got any good ones? I know the real her now. Kind of like the old me who battled addiction over ten years ago. Going this path would be like hell revisited. I thank u all for ur advice. It’s going to be hard to sustain severing ties since she was an old friend but I’ve seen the light now and am glad you guys were there to lead me in right direction.
Maybe honest in a really sugar coated twisted way? I’m afraid she might go all ghetto and show up at your house if you don’t twist and sugar coat it. I’m thinking something like:
"I’m sorry, I just don’t think you are my soul mate. (Truth part, even if you don’t believe in soul mates women go for that stuff and it makes them think you are being all deep and emotional and all. I’m not saying you aren’t what you said about wanting to help her kids shows you are a good person, but she will understand these terms better). I met a woman two (or select some time when you guys weren’t in communication) years ago and she broke my heart. I was so in love with her, but she (pick something. Preferably something that actually happened with someone you care about maybe she moved back home to take care of her ailing mother? Or maybe died in a car crash? idk this part is a really choose your own adventure kind of thing. But try to think about someone you know who you actually lost touch with because of that reason whether it be medical, distance, or infidelity. It makes it sound more real I think this is the twist. I’m sure you have been heart broken over a friend or another woman, but it has happened). Maybe someday we can be together but your (pick something unique about here. Eyes really go over well. If in doubt use eyes) remind me of her sometimes but I never wanted to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you and I am afraid that every time I look into your eyes I will see her. I have been reminded of her every time I look at you and that isn’t fair to you. (This is the lie part) I think it would be best if we don’t speak for at least a year. (If you don’t talk at all for a year she will probably never even think about you again. A month or two would probably do it but you want to be safe.) I would still like to say hi if I see you at the store or something, but I want to give you time to move on. I just can’t keep going like this.
That’s a little too much and a little over dramatic. Make it real. Make it your own. Work it. Maybe throw in that you are sz? We get an undeserved bad image but it would be nice to know that it has helped at least one person. After what you said to her she probably won’t ever call you again unless she decides to go ghetto fabulous and show up at your door drunk and/or high. The above might defuse the situation. I generally don’t lie. I think that lying is generally wrong, but this an exception. This is a self protection lie. I think that this girl has the possibility of being a little dangerous in the short term. She probably isn’t, but I’ve heard drugs to weird things to people (I’ve never done drugs though so I wouldn’t know). The worst case scenario is probably just her calling to cuss you out or drunk texting. I just wanted to prepare you in case she is worse than anyone expected.
I feel like a bad person for even being able to think up such a lie as the one I told you to use. But it’s only for emergency. But still… Wow.
Sometimes the less said, the better.
You can’t regret what hasn’t been said.
My farewell could have been shorter but it was like I know what ur about etc. But I said what was needed. When I woke up this morning there was like 15 messages from her on my phone. Saying she was sleeping when I called her I know that’s a lie. Asking me to call her. Saying that I make her feel stupid. Saying I’m not what she thought. You know I don’t what her motive may be at this point but when she sobers up, she’s going to miss the fact that she is no longer receiving loving texts from me. She says she was blowing up my phone with calls how’s that when I checked my call log shows only one call from her, I think she is being sent straight to my voicemail. She didn’t have the gall to leave a message just 5 second silence. She may try to make me feel bad, but it’s her that needs to feel bad about her lifestyle and she can’t because I have no regret. She’s the one who can’t keep a man she’s the one who lost me due to stupid drugs. I found out that she lost her baby daddy too! Due to stupid drugs! I was thinking her baby daddy was a bad guy this whole time but I know now that she was the contributor to the breakup of her marriage. And there was another guy too! That she was engaged with and I bet it was her drugs too that ruined that one.
It’s amazing what I lost in life due to stupid drugs… I even almost lost my life it’s self. The sneaky brained thinking of addiction has got her and it’s not going to let go until there is nothing left. I do have some sympathy and I hope you look back on some of her good times fondly… but man, there is no way anyone can pull someone else out of addiction.
The person them selves has to wake up on their own and realize that the price of the short lived high was too steep. It’s easy to fall into that mindset of try to pull someone else out of that hell. But it never works. My kid sis has tried to save countless people from themselves during addiction and she only ends up in tears every time. There are multi-million dollar rehab centers with all the bells and whistles who sometimes can’t manage getting someone out of addiction.
I’m glad your out of this mess and not getting pulled deeper in. I feel for her, I do. But no one could do anything for me until I got my head out of my butt and wanted to kick drugs out. No one can do anything for her until she wants to kick drugs out.
I get you SuprisedJ. I’m proud of you for pulling yourself out of your addiction. The threat of addiction and relationships will always tear families apart. And leave destruction in its wake. I realize that I’m just a lesson to her maybe I am a influencing factor of her pulling her head out of her butt one day. I feel relieved that this forum and it’s people helped diagnose the relationship found out what it was and saved me from the vortex, although I felt pretty safe. Ending the relationship made me sleep so well. Another recovery lesson. The devil maybe testing my inner strength. God just pulled through on this one. Temptations are everywhere but it’s how strong you put your foot down and say no to drugs that will have a lasting effect.