I’ve talked a little with different guys about what they wanted from their father. Personally, I wanted male bonding. I wanted a father that I felt comfortable talking about masculine things and that we could do things together, like camping and fishing. My father and I did do some of those things together, but I was always so mad at him that there wasn’t much chance of male bonding. My dad lived in his own world. I’ve talked to guys who’ve said, “I just wish my father had showed me some affection.” It’s true. We all need that. But I think boys need to be able to identify with their fathers about things that are usually masculine. In a freshman Psychology class this one professor talked about boys losing their castration anxiety through a massive identification with their fathers. If they can’t get that at home they are likely to find some other male figure to identify with, often a very destructive one. My masculine role model was my older brother. My father just wasn’t equipped to fill the role I needed from him. I don’t think many fathers are.
I was just an investment for my father. My purpose was to look after him in his old age. That was the only reason I was born. He passed away about 10 years ago.
My father never showed me affection.
He is toxic person. I avoid him.
I loved my father when I was little. He would come home at night, take his tie off and sing “swing low sweet chariot” and “Sittin on the dock of the bay” We all three loved him to death. We dug up archealogical artifacts from the 19th century out back. Pipe stems and bottles from all over the NE. He had a boat or two and we would go out on it, I was always terrifeid of getting stuck out there. We had what we called the christmas garden which was an N scale train layout we put up every christmas. It was beautiful. We had a city and a countryside and a ski mountain. I put hoboes in the freight cars and we had a naked snow boarder on the mountain. He was a great guy. I now know he had a relationship with a 16 yearold girl when I was 4 or 5 which I remember and he was in his mid 30’s. That grates on me. He put four hits of LSD in my mouth when I walked in on them sleeping together. It was her idea and I psuhed her down the stairs. The EMT’s came. He styarted his own company when he was in his 30’s which has done well. I hate him for conspiriing against me in my teens. I had times when I left the house and wasn’t myself and he used psychiatry to make me forget everything. We were on ships in the harbor. I was involved with nambla memebrs who drove a van and manufactured ecstacy in NJ who cause more trauma than I can deal with and he used psychiatric connections to make me forget. Now I’m psychotic and committed if I talk about it. But I loved him. He was a great guy. Talk about dualities. Split mind. I had to listen to a violent rape on a freighter when I was 13 and my mind split. I talkeda bout it with a therapist when I was 24 and she said “so you experienced a split?” Yes I did. More than once. It fractures your mind. And people can tell that now. I still love my father. He was a good guy but I harbor grudges. He once ran upstairs and kicked me into the closet and attacked my mother. He had problems and was an 80’s businessman but he was kind to us all.
How does this effect me now?
Wow! It sounds like your father was a mix of contrasting parts. It must have been confusing.
The main thing I would have wished for from my father, was his presence. He left when I was eight, and I only saw him a handful of times after that. There was no regular visitations or anything like that back then
I became attached to one role model after another, but they left after a year or so, and I was heartbroken All Over Again. By the time I was 13 I was in such a rage
My father and I made peace before he passed away, but I still feel a loss of connection was always there and still affects me
My dad wasn’t violent or abusive, just very controlling. He said he wanted the best for me, like to be a good child and a successful adult, but I sacrificed a lot to try and win his approval. I wish he had just accepted me as I was.
He was also absent a lot, working hard to feed the family, and he was always tired when he came home and so i only spent time with him at weekends, and on holidays. I wish we’d had more time for lighthearted fun and games.
He put a lot of responsibility on me, very early. While he went to work I was responsible for looking after my mum and brothers. I had to be well behaved even when he wasn’t around. I ended up with enmeshment trauma and I wish he hadn’t put that responsibility on me. Perhaps he could have been a better role model, for taking care of others.
I come from a single mom family. I just enjoyed any time a man spent some with me. My main memories of my grandfather occasionally taking me to the baseball games are great, but for the most part I didn’t have a father figure in my life. I really don’t know what it’s like to have a father.
My father was very loving and affectionate and at the end of his life he was everything I wanted him to be. Our relationship wasn’t always perfect but we had a special bond and he understood me better than anyone else I knew. I’m very sad to say he died far too young from cancer. The only thing more I would have wanted from him was for him to have been able to see his grandkids (who do not yet exist). I miss him every day. I’m sorry not all of you guys weren’t able to have that kind of bond with your dads. Everyone deserves a father like the one I had.
My dad was very supportive my whole life, even though I am a failure he always shows pride in me.
When i was a boy scout he became a scout leader with some other Dads. When I got my first job delivering newspapers he drove me around the distant parts of my route.
He got laid off during a recession and the only job he could find was as a custodian at a local high school, but he took the job to support the family even thought his boss was a dick and he hated it. I have a great dad.
My father and I made a sort of peace before he died. His good qualities became more apparent to me. He absolutely could not help being the way he was. He never molested me, personally, but he was always bringing young boys around our house. That kind of worked on my mind. My dad could not keep his hands off kids, even when he wasn’t molesting them. He was always weirdly affectionate with me and my brother. He was kind of like Jo Biden. It felt really, really creepy. Both my niece and my nephew told my father that what he was doing didn’t feel good, but he just kept on. … I remember one time when I was about three or four years old my family was having a picnic at Red Rock Canyon. My dad and my sister and brother had seen this little snake on the canyon wall. They called me up to come see it. I had never seen a snake before, and I thought this would be a good time to test my courage. When I came up to where they were I hallucinated. I saw a giant, pink think sort of like a giant worm about seven feet long. It had a couple of white things coming out of its mouth, and it was coming crashing down the rocks directly at me. There was no chance of me staying. I was absolutely terrified, and I started running away yelling, “Snake, snake, moccasin!” My family was kind of surprised by my behavior, but they let me be. I was really scared the rest of the time we were in that place. I’m pretty sure what Sigmund Freud would say about that was that I was really afraid of my dad. I knew there was something in him that was very scary to me, and that fear was transferred to the snake. I was molested by an eighteen year old boy around this time, but I can’t remember if it was before or after this incident in Red Rock Canyon.
Wow, that’s a lot to survive. You have done therapy for this I hope?
I’ve done a little therapy, but my life is pretty well set by now, and I doubt if I am going to be having any epiphanies or sudden gushing of pent up emotion. The way I look at it is that my life isn’t bad now. I’m a little bit anxious most of the time, and I don’t socialize well with others, but my life is still okay.
A pulse would have been a good place to start, but he had other ideas
That is the healthy way to look at it, for sure. I went through therapy for a few years for quite a number of things. Witnessing violence, being in a car accident, life in general.
Now I’m the same as you. My life is not so bad, and I’ve got nothing to complain about, really
My dad was cool; a nice guy but tough. He had a bad temper but he never took it out on us kids or laid a hand on us. Unfortunately he was an alcoholic up until he was about 55. He rarely drank in the house though and rarely came home drunk. Money was tight growing up but we always lived in nice areas and had a nice car and plenty to eat and enough clothes. He grew up in a rough and tough little town in central California, him and his friends fought a lot and chased girls and had crazy adventures and when they got in their teens they would frequent all the bad bars and the cathouses.
My dad once told me that he had to walk on eggshells around me while I was growing up. He was so worried about hurting my feelings our bugging me. I told my sisters this and they said he treated them the same way. I thought I was tough in a way while I was growing up. I played sports and got in a few fights and wrestled my friends and climbed trees and fences and lifted weights. But I wasn’t tough like my father. He didn’t start trouble or pick on anyone but people who knew him were scared of him.
He had a scary temper and he got in several fights even as an adult; that he didn’t start but he sure didn’t back down. He saved my ass in the hospital when some big guy was picking on me and my dad cooly grabbed the guy and waited to see what the guy was going to do. The guy was six foot two or something and my dad is only five foot nine but my dad was so calm and collected that the bully just walked off about ten feet and stared at my dad and then just walked away.
Anyways to answer the question, I used to wish my dad was
tougher on me as a kid. I think it would have made me tougher and better able to handle myself. I wouldn’t have wanted to be beat up but maybe a few smacks when I messed up or maybe if he would have got mad more at us it might have done some good. He never hit us, which is a good thing but he rarely got mad at us. He let my mom do the disciplining. He didn’t like confrontation though he would protect strangers and us from bullies.
He was a good guy but he took it too easy on us. His father was violent and when my dad was a kid his father was likely to punch him or kick him in the ass when my dad did something stupid. That was kind of normal in those times though and my dad still loved his father. But yeah, maybe it sounds weird to wish to be hit and disciplined but I had it too easy growing up.
You’re right on all counts. If I had a lot of materialistic success I would be a little happier for a while, but then it would go away. I think very few people go through life unscathed. We are all subject to “the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune”. Personally, I’m okay with where I am. I hope it doesn’t fall apart on me.
every time i see my father in my mind he is laughing, he was always cheerful, i still cant believe he let the drink get the better of him
I’ve come across people who I envied their serenity. Then I found out all this crazy stuff they had done. You really can’t judge people by appearances.
Yeah, everybody takes their turn on the bottom in life. I hope we can all maintain some stability, and not have it fall apart on us