Well, apparently i am the only one who knew 20 years of isolation

I am sad that even my ill friends ask themselves why I spent so much like this. I am quite alone on this. I feel stupid and dumb to have made this. I say to myself that my ill friends had it softer. Cause I had my reasons to spent this time between 4 walls. I am suicidal since kid. I couldn’t even walk properly, cause I have very strong somatic symptoms. Energy who goes to my feet, some heaviness in my body because of the emotional autistic pain, cognitive issues etc etc… I fighted till my twenties. Then I gave up. After that came the pdocs. The diagnosis. The meds. Lot of meds. Even one of my pdocs said that they gave me too many meds in the hospitals… and I am just here, complexed as hell cause I have no life. I have hope now that this will change, but it should be sooner cause ill die alone.
Ok, I have no hallucinations or voices, but I have a panoplie of something really wrong with me. Hearing the voices too loud, feeling too strongly the smells or the opposite sometimes. In the evenings I cant only smoke and lie on my bed cause I feel heaviness instead of feelings. Paranoia…
So nice, isn’t it?
I don’t want to complain, but its not my fault that I live like this. And its just a life of a dog, not a human one… My friends stay in the hospital for two months and after that they get better. I had 8 hospitalizations and nothing changed. They found my med, ok, but in my case it wont change my life no. Its up to me. and its feel sad cause its just hard…
You should have gone mad too if you have spent so much time in isolation, no?

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don’t be hard on me please. I am always alone in the evenings. maybe I should stop writing when I am like this. But yes, sometimes, I cant fight that’s all. and its sad this life… so much loneliness… My body suffered too because of this. I even wasn’t realizing before that I have a body too.

I can understand this feeling. I think my situation is easier to deal with than yours but people don’t understand how important it is to connect and what it does to you when you don’t. At first, I felt like it was my choice. I didn’t need anyone else and I could handle the distance.

Then I would get these waves of deep, abject loneliness. It made me desperate and I’d try to connect with anyone. But I couldn’t connect no matter how desperate. It felt like, from the beginning, it wasn’t me keeping the world out but the world keeping me out. You feel like you are banging against some invisible wall trying to talk to someone, trying to touch someone with your hand but you can’t reach them.

I wish I could give you some advice, tell you what to do. But I’m still working on it myself. Yet I have hope. I have hope that someday I will make a connection. And I have hope that you will too. So all I can say is don’t give up.

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Thank you, dea… :slight_smile:
In fact, sometimes I even don’t have feelings, so every connection to me is pointless. I love my friends and family, itry to be a nicer person, but I am soulless, its not easy to live without emotions. Add to this my dumbness, cause I didn’t move my brain for years and its just pure hell. Despite that I don’t even want to think about this. But yes, lately I deal with the fact that I had this past where I was alone as an animal, cause my friends don’t understand me. I make crisises of hysteria sometimes in front of my mom that I screwed up my best years. My mom says that I have no the right to expect from my friends to understand me, cause even she cant understand me on my passivity. My days are better though I think… Sometimes I go out in the neighborhood briefly. I would like to know some other ill people who were no lifers for years. Yes, there is hope though.

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OoI wish you all the best and that what ever you want for yourself you will get without compromise. I also wish your journey to be easy and pleasurable with many uplifting moments and moments of hope and love. If you ever need anything don’t be hesitant to ask… We will always support you! I mean I will always support you

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Sending (((hugs))) and wishes for improvement.

:heart:

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You’re a very brave person. This illness is like hell on earth,and the fact that you’ve fought it for so many years is honestly inspiring. Don’t give up! We’re all here for you

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Well there’s 2 things to be very grateful for.

But I can see you’re depressed about the negative symptoms. It sounds like you have them bad.

Has anything helped over the years? Have you tried an antidepressant for example?

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@everhopeful, unfortunately I have some fears and paranoia and the antidepressants lift all this. My depression is a bit because of my living situation I guess. Its normal after realizing what I’ve lost through the years… Some antidepressants really made me crazier though.

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Well you weren’t completely isolated you had your mom and a couple friends and now you are getting out some so that is progress. I’m more introverted and when i lived with my husband i considered that socialization although i didn’t get out as much as some. But I do think it is a want of yours to get out more often and meet some supportive friends. you are working on it, don’t be so hard on yourself. I know some people who are introverted and enjoy doing hobbies and activities alone and they are ok with it. I think that makes a difference. Whether you are satisfied with how things are now and if not what little steps can you take to make your life more the way you want it? The past is water under the bridge, learn from it but don’t beat yourself up about it.

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