I fight, but its hard still... Who is with me still?

Ok, i know, that i dont write much, but i was obsessed with this illness…
I guess, that i have my lessons now…
I was just out with my mom and i was just paranoid, the uncalm was boiling in me, i turned somatic too… When i came home, i felt though more joy and hope and i cried too…
Ok, i saw my pdoc for a few too, he said, that this illness cant be helped with efforts, but he didnt offer more meds either… So in my worst, i feel like, that i dont have enough help from nothing and i just dont see the issue…
Tbh i lived for decades with the belief, that i’ll never feel fine, lately i am just a bit angry, when somebody tells me, that ill never feel fine lol…
Ok, my online bf was shouting at me, that i am too passive, he said, that i’ll never feel happy… My mother also keeps saying, that with my tempo, i’ll get too old when i’ll get better…
Tbh, its hard for me to just go outside now or do stuff… Idk why i am like that… But i blamed myself for everything before, maybe its unhuman to get motivated also after years of isolation, loneliness and sedentary…
I go outside alone though every day now, for 15 minutes, but i dont expand etc…
I also find my sz different from for the most of the people here…
Do i feel bad, cause i live in loneliness in your opinion? Cuase i lacked the others, the info, the nature etc? I am equipped now with more wisdom and truths tbh… Despite that i can still suffer from bad feelings or thoughts…
But how for god sake i’ll start to do more? I can be even at home here, monitoring closely what is to feel fine in my head, while after a walk, i find that to feel fine is something completely else lol…
anyway… Maybe i am just losing time now, but i really often cant do more, is it my fault?
I hope, that itll come though, i feel changed in my thinking already, cause i lately feel more the love around me lol… But yeap, many people around me dont believe much in me anymore, cause i still hide often etc… I wonder when finally i’ll feel as a human now, i got enough to suffer tbh…
Take care all, its the orthodox Easter today lol!

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This is really great news! Its progress. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

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Idk… Ive been outside every day for these 15 minutes since an year and a half and i dont expand at all…
I have my afternoon down right now tbh, i wasnt talking about it before… my head is heavy, i have a headache too, my breathing even is hardened, i cant move, i dont wanna think, am narcoleptic and sad :confused:
I am hard with myself, cause everyone around me pushes me and is unhappy around me… I was like that for 30 years tbh… Once my sister called me a zombie in my back, but no, she wasnt here to accept me even sick… ive really been left with the impression, that my beloved ones are not satisfied with me even if i am sick… They want only the good thing… my mother now keeps saying, that i should live alone, without a partner, she also said in the past, that i’ll be forever sick and alone…
i had enough, i was a tank, i was a soldier, now i am in pain every single evening… the rest of the day, its not real better either, am still alone… and idk what kind of sz is this tbh, since i feel sick since the age of 12?.. thats all…

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That is not nice what your mother told you. Recognize.

Ok, my zyprexa maintains me… but i was very sick and crazy even on it…
When the meds are a limited help, should i count on myself now? Will i have enough strength? Yeap, i want more health and happiness, but does at all these meds made someone here happy?
I really am changing , folks, in a good way i hope, but on me, the meds, never pulled me out of my suffering… it feels a bit lonely… or maybe i dont understand some things yet…
Who here is as me, trying to get in a better place, counting on yourself more than on the meds?
But dont take it wrong, maybe my ap is working… i need it, for sure… but i knew 30 years of illness, sheesh, idk what kind of sz is this tbh? :thinking::smirk:
@Anon4 , my mom was very hard per moments and yeap, she doesnt believe much, that i can get better… idk why she is like that… but ive just was wondering today if her suffering too was pure hell too around my father, who was beating her etc… she even didnt have a single man since 15 years… :sweat: but yeap, i ignore what she thinks of me in order to talk me like this, but i should become free too i guess… yeah, she advices me even to live alone, without a partner, its hard yeap…

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Hope youre doing well anna sending love

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Wish you well Anna. Don’t give up.

Gotta keep trying new things until something sticks.

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