Yeah… I feel like an e.t. now with this… I really spent the most of this time between 4 walls. Anybody would have gone mad too with this… And now I am a wreck. I get my psychosomatic pains every evening and then I rage, that I lost those years… The problem is that it wasn’t my fault… No, I am not lazy or passive… I am just ill… I have this heaviness instead of a soul. No pleasure from life at all… I had it since kid. So I got desperate at my twenties and I gave up then. Now, I want to live, happily also, but now I see how much ive missed… And I still feel envy toward my ill friends, who didn’t know this… One of them even told me, that she would have killed herself if she knew my isolation… Yeah… this hurted me… even she who is ill, cant understand… No, I wasn’t born to know the manic part of the illness. I just grew up with a terrible depression, guilt of all that I feel, lack of positive emotions and this bad, bad motricity, cause my brain is just dumb… I was never loved by a guy, never. and now I have this mother, who says, that ill remain forever alone, cause I am ill and passive. Tbh, now I avoid to talk to her on my illness. She got desperate by me years ago.
But how to continue living? its been too much years, pals… Not 5, not 10, almost twenty years, even more…
I was ragy and envious today again. I cant move from the bed when like this. I also have this heaviness in my body then too. Now its a bit better. But I am afraid about this somatization, its quite strong. I don’t see a future when I have even physical pains from the illness. maybe I need time, idk…
don’t be hard on me for my envy. maybe its natural when you have nothing in life since 20 years.
I feel like an e.t. even here lol… IN a part, ive accepted some things. But gosh, I struggle as a demon and sometimes I get tired and lonely… Now I see, that I need to change too. Nobodies fault. not others, not mine… But gosh, now I have nobody in my life who will say to me, that i’ll get better. I fight just alone. and I look as ■■■■ and feel as ■■■■ too…
I’ve lost about 50 years. I don’t feel that bad about except when I feel like I’ve wasted the whole day doing nothing.
yeah, but I was literally isolated between 4 walls for 20 years… for god sake, I wasn’t a criminal or a monster… Yeah, sorry to cpmlain again. Me too now I feel bad, when I cant do much in the day…
Today is a new day. So is tomorrow. What can you do to change it up?
I isolated most of my life too for just as long.
It’s time to reclaim your life. Join a book club or something to meet people. Go to a Clubhouse for the severely mentally ill. Just try it. It would be such an accomplishment.
“Everything is up to you.” ~ Kurwin Rae
I do not think you are an e.t. @Anna1, I think you are a decent person having a hard time.
I have been dealing with MI for like twenty years now and i understand how hard it is. Hopefully you can have a change in your mind state and see a positive change in days ahead. Like @anon82948922 said, today is a new day. Hope you can have some positivity and a change for the best. Hang in there.
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