My first delusion was a nihilistic one: that the world wasn’t real and that I didn’t exist. I had dissociation (derealization and depersonalization) from smoking marijuana. I’ve been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and undifferentiated schizophrenia and my current diagnosis is schizoaffective bipolar type. I’ve been dealing with this since 2011 when I was 22 years old. I’m 35 years old now. I am middle of the road in terms of severity. I’m average.
I smoked a lot early on and still smoke cigarettes. I have an addiction to energy drinks that I want to work on and eventually quit.
I had cognitive decline and social withdraw and currently have no friends.
I probably had dozens of delusions or beliefs or thoughts over the years and they are not real.
A few years back, I started hallucinating things at night when dreaming and sleeping and read into them and thought they were real when they were not.
For example, I had delusions about aliens, time travel, mind control, cloning, and microchips among other things. I got into conspiracy theories and regret wasting my time on them.
I guess it evolved over the years and I feel like I declined a bit. I’m not physically healthy anymore. I eat too much fried and greasy and fatty foods. I’m obese now.
I had a hard time coping and get lonely over the years.
I never had a girlfriend.
I was misdiagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome and had thoughts I had ADD, DID, and PTSD even though I don’t.
I have a thought disorder and had irrational beliefs and fears and delusions. I have false memories and long term memory loss that feels like amnesia.
I know I have schizophrenia because that’s what stuck. I have insight about my condition and just exist and try to live a decent life. I feel like I’m a good/decent person.
I guess I’m still ‘smart’ despite not having a job and being on disability. It feels like dementia in a way, even though it’s not.
I had strong delusions or sensations or memories I had ‘past lives’ or lived in parallel universes and that I was in a time loop even though these things are probably delusional perceptions. They felt real to me. Many World’s Theory of Quantum Mechanics is just a theory, not real life, and I guess it was just my overactive imagination and fantasies that I lived in parallel universes and had past life experiences, traumas, and memories.
For years, reality looked fake and like a simulation to me. I guess that’s why I got diagnosed with schizophrenia in the first place. Mental illness is an invisible condition so it’s hard to get diagnosed because one can look or even act normal to some degree.
I have low self-esteem and feel like I burned a lot of bridges because of my psychosis. I hope to improve enough some day to get a menial job or just any job part time.
A lot of my delusions can be considered bizarre and grandiose and I have had irrational fears and paranoia. I’ve been told by my family that they’re not real and I know I’m a nobody. I’m pretty sure my support team knows I’m delusional. I have irrational fears that people might believe my delusions and harm me, I guess.
I read that schizophrenics live 20-25 years shorter than the average person. I find that pretty scary and feel like I’m on that trajectory. I guess I can change some things like getting more exercise, eating healthier, and drinking fewer energy drinks a day. I could also work on reducing the amount of cigarettes I smoke.
I was on Vraylar for years, and recently just switched to Zyprexa. I like Zyprexa a lot and feel more real and that the external world is more real and that my delusions are not real, but are just symptoms of psychosis.
I don’t think my psychosis ever went 100% away in 12 years. I have my good moments and bad days. I can handle and deal with my condition pretty well. I’ve been told I don’t have the stereotypical paranoid schizophrenic look or demeanor.
I don’t hear voices or see things on medication. I guess I’m lucky. I also feel like the meds don’t cure or put me in remission at all. I’ve engaged my schizophrenia (and delusions) over the years and regret it.
I haven’t worked in 15 years and want to improve, be more independent, and make some extra money some day. I don’t think I’ll ever live alone. I guess I might have to worry about homelessness some day, but maybe not? I hope I can improve in the meantime.
I guess I regret the whole infinite reincarnation delusion and experiences I had. At the end of the day, it’s pointless and unprovable.
Thanks!