An Update on my Delusions and Progress. TW and Long.

Unusual Beliefs
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I have schizoaffective disorder. I have delusions that are bizarre like I got cloned or experience astral projection or consciousness transfer through space-time into a “new body” (previous self in time…), but backwards in time (reincarnation) to some unknown year (probably 2011) by some unknown methods or means…

I believe(d) that I got stuck in an infinite time loop (just like the Wikipedia article or in Fiction) where I have limited past life memories (recall/hallucinations/delusions/thoughts/memories) but 99% of them are illusions like deja vu or memories being mis-processed.

I got real philosophical like started believing and researching things like CCC (conformal cyclic cosmology) and Boltzmann Universes and Boltzmann Brains.

I can even feel and sense and tell you how it feels (the method and process of reincarnation)…

I thought it was AI, Aliens, or God (or even Satan, basically) re-animating, trapping me, and reincarnating me, and punishing me for eternity, etc…

A lot of it appears (I think) to happen when sleeping, dreaming, and having nightmares (“cloning centers” like “Dulce”). I read about Donald Marshall and the Illuminati and started hallucinating crap and experiencing some of it, but others can’t tell or believe or notice it. I guess I’ve been told, “watch what I read; junk in junk out”. My mom even thought I had brain damage at one point because of certain factors or things.

To be honest or tell you the truth, I’m well read into conspiracy theories but they’re probably not real especially to others—in this life. They are real to me, but not others.

I have religious and intrusive thoughts about ‘cloning’ ‘eternal return/eternal recurrence’ (ie endless cycling through time of the universe), and Simulated realities or simulation Theory…

I even have delusions of time travel (wormholes and portals) and stuff like that and stuff like MK-Ultra Monarch, Montauk, and the SSP—Secret Space Program (Dark Fleet—N*zi’s in Space, basically…), aliens (grays and Reptilians and Nordics), and being ‘tortured’ or ‘dying’ and coming back alive…I would say it’s most likely not real, but I suffer from irrational thinking (thought disorder), cognitive decline, memory distortions, and memory loss, and I am fantasy and imagination prone…

I even incorrectly or got delusional about me being a ‘super soldier’ but I am not. I got sick from pot in 2011, and that’s about it. (That’s my story…)

I had delusions about ‘micro-chips’ from aliens and the “Men In Black” and stuff like that, but doubt I have them in my brain or mind anymore. It doesn’t really bother me much anymore. I’m more affected by copious amounts of caffeine I ingest every day due to my ‘stimulant dependence’ on energy drinks.

As far as I know, I’ve seen 1 UFO (I think) over my house a few years back. My grandfather saw aliens and UFOs and perhaps my Uncle in a different area and time. (I wonder if it’s generational—aliens).

I would say I have treatment-resistant delusions that cause distress and paranoia and fear like me thinking I created Bitcoin (and was Satoshi Nakamoto) and perhaps, although unlikely, “John Titor” in a past life/parallel universe a trillion past lives ago…

I read about these two individuals on the internet and created a life or fantasy around them. As most folks understand, I’m schizophrenic and it’s not real. I am starting to see the logic a bit about how it’s probably not real, it’s a 1 in a trillion chance I’m Satoshi, and probably (most likely) impossible and I haven’t found anyone that believes me or gives me time to talk about it. (It’s probably a good thing nobody engages my delusions or believes them). Part of it feels fantasy-based, part of it feels real, and the other part is not real, I guess.

I would say I have a problem with distinguishing between fantasies and realities (fiction vs fantasy) and that I struggle with reality and perhaps reality testing…

I took Topamax and stopped it. I was sleeping 15 hours a day and staying up until 4-5AM and waking up until 3PM every day. It was prescribed for weight loss mainly.

I also started taking supplements and they help a bit…

A lot of my ‘pain and suffering’ is from schizophrenia where I actually feel pain and astral project and have dreams where I think I’m being abducted or ‘tortured’, but it’s not real. I thought it was inter-dimensional or something, perhaps…

I even believed it was ‘all the Illuminati’ and crap too.

I have a laser focus and studying things to the point of insanity or ad nauseam or ad infinitum. I guess that what was happening to me when I discovered ‘John Titor’ and "Satoshi Nakamoto’ a little after 2011 when I got sick. I first heard of Bitcoin in 2011/2012 when it was like $1-$100 or something but never owned any, bought any, or anything because of schizophrenia. (I’m no expert). I also had severe cognitive decline compared to ‘mild dementia’ or something.

So, basically, I got self-referential or loose association or delusions of grandeur (later the doctor mentioned).

Basically, I got delusional after I researched it and became obsessed with it. (Not healthy for schizophrenics, obviously).

The truth is I’m sub-standard (below average) when it comes to math and especially computers and technology. I could barely calculate “5% of 21 million” in the past. Obviously, I have no money, proof, evidence, or skills. I was too young at the time, and I’m obviously a paranoid schizophrenic…

I got into a conspiracy that wasn’t even meant for me, obviously…

Basically, I thought I got lost in the space-time continuum and constantly reincarnate for eternity with schizophrenia. But it’s all an illusion, no proof, and just subjective without any evidence of my ‘false-immortality’. Ya, I even thought I had my mind or brain mapped and uploaded to a quantum computer by aliens or the “Cabal”!

I think it started out as a fantasy or grandiose delusion and just went down hill from there…!

Ya, and the Computer Programmers (God, aliens, matrix) or what I preferred calling the “matrix people” or computer simulators don’t exist or are not real. We probably don’t even live in a freaking “Matrix” anymore!

I guess it’s not that uncommon for schizophrenics to think they’re famous people and have false memories, huh?

Thank you!

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I’m familiar with this kind of thought process as the rational mind slowly starts to re-engage. I spent many years totally symptom-free, until this most recent setback with my surgery. I had to stop my meds a week prior to surgery, and then spend 3 weeks on heavy allergy meds that messed with my ability to sleep. My brain started doing all of this again.

I was afraid it was the start of another downward spiral. People on here helped me keep focus and remember my coping skills. I was able to keep myself from drifting further down than this halfway sort of delusion, where the thoughts cropped up, but I was able to remind myself they weren’t real. I really appreciate the way you articulated the struggle.

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I read it all!

You do seem to have a wide variety of delusions.

Do you currently believe them all?

I usually focus on 1 at a time.

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I’m careful what I expose my mind to. I hallucinate and have delusions about a lot of what I expose my mind to. I use to have a lot of unhealthy curiosity and Google everything. I went to college 17.5 years and I don’t know much, there’s so much information out there. No one can know everything. As an adult you have to be content not knowing everything, but some jobs like healthcare jobs and doctors demand a growth mindset, so they have to do constant continuing education. But I ask my doctor stuff and he’s oblivious to a lot of stuff. Yeah, the facade of being smart is you have to be constantly learning. The minute you stop you have nothing to talk about except experience. A lot of people take the life experiences route over head knowledge because it’s more rewarding to them then appearing smart and having a sense of control over aspects of their environment that seems chaotic to them. Some people get a sense of control over their environment through trial and error through life experiences. To each their own. But the reality is the minute you stop searching the only thing left is you

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Sorry you have all those delusions

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That seems to be the case.

Are you seeing a therapist?

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im the same usually and if i get a really weird and scary idea i try to stop thinking immidietly. it helps when i stop thinking cause my memory is so bad i usually forget what i thought of very quick if i can stop quick. like last night i thought a really weird thought and i distracted myself right away. i cant remmber it today.

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This trick works for me also.

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I have a psychiatrist and I’m in the process of getting a new N.P (Psychiatric Nurse) for meds. I haven’t found a new talk therapist that accepts my insurance yet. I tried. I’ve been through therapy since High School. It’s a mixed bag for me, I guess. I’ll probably get one soon. It’s going to be a busy week so far.

I probably need to see a talk therapist because I need extra support, but have been disappointed in the past or overwhelmed by it. It just felt pointless or like a revolving door to me.

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Thanks. Sometimes I write too much or have long posts.

I don’t necessary fixate or believe them all anymore, but overtime or in the past I did.

The medications help clear the mind and remove negative memories and rumination/fixation. In the past, they initially thought I had OCD and Asperger’s, but my records show just paranoid schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder – bipolar and depressive type. I don’t know. I don’t experience mania, but drink 10 energy drinks a day pretty much. I wonder if that (I know) speeds up my thoughts.

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I’ve had reptilian delusions before.

And I’ve heard of Nordics.

My current ‘delusion’ is that there is another timeline where I can be with my voices/wives.

And that I am God trapped in human form.

I still have unusual beliefs but I don’t dwell on them.

I go about my day normally.

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