Whenever you’ve went psychotic before, did you experience “thought blocking”?
I’d start talking and would forget what I was saying before i finished the sentence. So much speech was odd, something like this:
“Hi, My name is…”
“I live at…”
“The CIA installed probes into …”
Do you ever miss feeling that connection to a higher being?
I’m glad you decided to repost this, considering the other thread was blocked!
At the height of my psychosis it was also “made known” to me that free will was only an illusion. I remember taking steps to the right and the left and wondering if I even had that much control. For awhile I was convinced that I was a robot.
My experiences also made me feel like we get a “break” from life momentarily after death. I really hope that’s true because I need a vacation.
TLDR I used to have visions of myself becoming who I ended up as (talk about scary) and I had visions of myself in psychotic form, which is a melting and burning humanoid which looks like this 
Cutting my heart out in a black and white world with only the blood being red in an effort to end the pain I was in. This happened while drinking when I was a freshman.
If it wasn’t for my negative symptoms I’d have thought I was just bipolar. Or even if I am it doesn’t really matter. What matters is I manage it
The manias feel so great but they cause such a great deal of trouble. Then the crash that follows
I experienced a lot of thought blocking when I was in a negative swing. I’d forget exactly what I was going to say in the middle of saying it. Just like you described…
When I was psychotic… I talked a mile a minute… only didn’t make any sense at all… just word salad flying.
Sometimes I miss it but at the same time it is scary. I don’t know who it is and that scares me.
The difference between severe depression and the negative symptoms of sz sometimes confuses me. 
My severe depressive symptoms were thoughts of suicide, death daily.
My negative symptoms were compounded by positive symptoms. all that I could focus on was how I am bieng controlled.
I could not focus on things like cleaning, maintenece, money, career, relationships, family, socializing.
It’s a little different for everyone… but for me…
Negative symptoms also has a cognitive failing as well.
When my brother describes his depression… he’s describes sorrow and frustration and a sense of hopelessness and a lack of energy… He also has trouble staying motivated, and concentrating, but he still has some feeling. He can still talk and have feelings about things.
When I’m in a negative swing… I actually don’t feel anything. I’m not happy…not sad… my insides are empty and feel nothing one way or the other for anything.
I can slip into depression from there… But the negative swing is just the absence of everything for me. I have no motivation to move… talk… interact. No interest in life… so I sit.
Also I end up in poverty of speech… I have no ability or compulsion to say anything. When I do say something… I’m so disconnected and my family says there is NO expression in my face or my voice. I’m just monotone.
I had a very long and bad patch of negative symptoms before my meds got switched up.
With depression… you still feel things… with negative symptoms… I don’t even feel that.
I have often thought I was having some spiritual experience, until I realised that, actually, none of it made any sense. I would urge people not to seek a ‘spiritual experience’, because it usually ends in nothingness and depression.
Last night I had a look at a diary I kept last year. What I wrote looks far less like a ‘spiritual awakening’, and more like the ramblings of a seriously disturbed man.
Jamie is correct. Free will is a complete illusion.
Best wishes,
Padster
right there… I’m in that very same boat.
I hate reading back on my journals… In my mind… I think “wow… I remember this great idea that could help a lot of people…”
so I read the old journals… and NO… oh no… it’s embarrassing what I used to think was a valid way to save mankind.
I was just thinking (in response to the original post,) that maybe we are all suppose to be on the same page some time in the future while at the same time wishing to remain as the true individuals that we are forever to be, and perhaps along with a soul mate that is predetermined to be part of ourselves as well in time, or maybe in another life time.
Not exactly a similar experience, but I once had my voices come and start measuring my eyes, saying things like “look at the weakness of the left eye! Even something as small as that makes him what he is.” Then came a sudden vision in the left eye where a whole bunch of arcane symbols were presented on pages, one page after the other, very quickly like a video of a flicking book. Later I looked up what I could remember, some of it was related to the Kabbalah, and some of it was from other religious and magical traditions. A bit of a WTF moment for me.
But religion was a major theme, often my voices would pretend to be God or gods. Though I never experienced any consciousness expanding moments related to the voices.
There was a moment when I was sitting in my chair, and I had a sudden feeling as if I was stung. I jumped up out of my chair and it was like my spirit jumped out of the top of my skull, and I had this sudden vision of a plain and a city and some cloud like entities in the distance. Then I was back, but super energised, as if I’d been hit by a lightning bolt and made more me, more real than ever before. And then… I kinda started doing some very strange things. It felt great though.
Glad to hear somebody feels the same as I do. It is pathetic isn’t it? We actually go through a period when we think we are someone special. That somehow we chose to come here or were chosen. But its all just horseshit. I advise anyone to get as far from ‘God’ and spirituality as possible. It will ultimately go too far and destroy your life.
Keeping a diary really is like ‘returning to one’s own vomit’.
Best wishes,
Padster
Spirituality requires discipline, effort, perseverance & struggle - it’s not an easy path, nor is it for the faint of heart - & there are many dead ends & challenges with it all.
When all’s said & done i think it’s a very personal thing.
It’s amazing how the religion we choose can actually defeat us with what it uses as the authority of it’s teachings to win us over. I’m not that blind.
My negative symptoms are
Restricted/affective flattening. Where I have no facial expressions, flat monotone. But the emotions are still there.
Then I have the blank mind. No thoughts no ideas. Not happy not sad. I’m just there existing.
Then I have the avolition. Desire to do things but moving is difficult.
On the depressive phase I’ll feel pain in arms and legs like there’s a pile of bricks on them.
And I’ll feel hopeless and down. And also think everything is horrible
I just had about a 4 day negative symptom wave . But I didn’t feel depressed. I was feeling fatigued and flattened (0 vocal range and facial expression was minimal. And also a high level of anxiety but that was mostly due to a heavy workload.
But today at about 4pm my symptoms changed and now I’m feeling a bit hyper and no longer flattened my vocal range is back and I am able to express once again.
I typically go through cycles like this
LMAO…amen brother!
I’m glad you were able to pull out of it. That is frustrating for me… the on again and off again come and go of it all…
there are times I make plans with my but my brain has other plans.