I’m stuck. I need help, I’ll admit it now. School is over for the semester, I’ve got 4.5 weeks off. What am I going to do with myself? So far… I was pretty good for about 3-4 days, then whammy depression hit again. I’ve been attached to the couch for the past 2 days crying, again.
I need help. Any advice, what to do? How to get out of this cloud of doom and gloom? I feel paralyzed.
I got the CBT for depression workbook but can’t seem to do the exercises. They ask you to think and describe, and I can’t seem to think for myself. I’m so cut off from my feelings and thoughts. I can’t describe how slow and stupid I feel. I can’t journal, I don’t know what to write. I can’t talk to my BF about it because he just ends up lecturing me on what he thinks I should be doing, all of which seem impossible. I now know why suicide is listed as a side effect of antidepressants because I do have a little more energy. Most of which is put into plotting out my demise and how no one will miss me, they’d be better off without me.
Then I start to ruminate on what this is… Is it just depression, manic depression or am I just depressed because of this dx and everything that comes with it?
Yeah, Lamictal and Wellbutrin. We just upped my doses so it’ll probably be a month to see if they work or not. I thought Lamictal was for both mania and depression? It works differently than antidepressants since its a anti-seizure drug.
I mean I know what everyone says I should be doing: eat healthy, drink water, exercise, challenge negative thinking, do stuff that makes you feel good… But I can’t seem to do any of it except drink water and eat healthy.
It’s good to hear you’re eating well. Sleep is also healthy if you can sleep.
When I am in a state like that, I just wait it out, however painful. My mother died by her own hand. Even though I sometimes have suicidal ideation and often believe I might be some sort of terrible person, I do not want to hurt remaining family members that way. No matter how awful I feel about myself, I just do as many healthy things as possible (usually not able to do much) and wait until I don’t feel that way any more (the longest was three weeks). So far have not found the right medication, but that doesn’t mean it’s not out there.
If there is some energy: good quality, pleasantly themed coloring books with really good colored pencils in as many colors as possible can be distracting.
I can barely remember activities i used to like to do. All the self help things I’ve read said to make yourself do stuff you once enjoyed. It’s depressing. I used to have all sorts of hobbies. It’s really hard not to compare myself to 4 years ago. It’s like, whose body is this? I was never so inactive and unfit. Sure I’ve lost 50 of the 70lbs I gained. I almost wish I was back on clozapine, then I wouldn’t have a care in the world and be happy fat, it made me such a zombie.
My bf asked what I wanted for Xmas. I told him I want him to spend time with me doing something. He’s always working, even on the weekends. He asked what I wanted to do. I said he needed to plan it because I cant right now, I’m barely existing.
I was on 25 mg for a month with no changes. Now I’m up to 100mg. The pdoc said I should see something change within a month, if not we’ll try an MAOI cause I’ve never been on one. I’m willing to give the lamical/wellbutrin combo longer try maybe at higher dose of lamictal. I think the therapeutic dose range is 200-400mg.
I found a great ebook my local library. “When depression hurts your relationships: how to regain intimacy and connect when you are depressed” by Shannon Kolakowski. Also re-read Kay Redfield Jamison book “an unquiet mind” about her struggle with bipolar with psychosis features.
