Sometimes I want nothing but to leave this world, I will never harm myself as that would hurt my beautiful sisters and mother, sometimes I wish to die in my sleep, but again I do not want to cause pain, but sometimes these symptoms are all I can handle. Schizophrenia sucks!
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Welcome SarahA, I hope your journey with schizophrenia will be more peaceful talking to those here on the board…it is the only real solace I get from other mentally ill here…I am sorry you want to die, I understand that. I tried to take my life twice, and let me tell you, I wish I had never tried…God has a plan for you sweet Sarah, take heart and post more on this board…you will feel better I promise…
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I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way most of the time. Today I feel okay, some days are better than others. That’s just life I guess.
I feel like that too sometimes. I always feel that if I get cancer or something, I will just let it go, and finally be at peace.
I often feel the same way.
do you get your anti-psychotics? you’ll feel better on them and if you take them and the situation doesn’t get better you should change your med probably.
I have this thought regularly, wanting to peacefully leave this world.
Even this morning on my way to get the newspaper I had this thought.
I could never do this to my family, especially my nine year old niece who adores me with all her heart. I could never hurt the ones who love me by doing something like that.
It’s not even my psychotic disorder that causes me to have this occasional thought, it’s really more the heaping tower of terror that is all that is stacked against me in this life…severe anxiety/social phobia, substance abuse problem, loneliness, learning disability (mathematics only), history of trauma and dissociative amnesia in my teens that I can’t talk about now that I remember, and yeah, schizophrenia…
But life is worth living I suppose even when the odds are stacked against you, even when those who think they know you say you have everything going for you and still the odds are stacked against you. Life is worth living as you never can know whats around the corner…
hang in there,
-e
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People say that usually, that they don’t want to hurt their family.
But does their family want to hurt them? Isn’t it selfish of the family to ask someone to continue on in pain because it hurts them?
If i ended it i wouldn’t feel bad at all, and i wouldn’t feel selfish at all, thats all ■■■■■■■■in my opinion.
It’s like a bunch of people telling you to suffer because it would hurt them if you left them.
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Welcome to the forum @SarahA
I’m glad that you are not harming yourself and that you have family in your life. I hope that things start to look up for you soon. 
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I believe everyone who has ever experienced depression has felt that way at some point. Some days its hard to think about the future, especially when its uncertain. I try to find joy in the little things. The feeling of soft grass under my feet. Lying on a cool concrete porch in the heat of summer. Listening to birds chirping in the early morning. Watching my grandchildren learn…seeing and discovering the world through their eyes. The world is an amazing place! So even though there are days when I feel like a waste of space, I would miss so much if I left prematurely. Getting old sucks. Becoming physically incapable stinks. And losing brain cells to the point that I don’t feel as smart as I used too really gets me down, but from experience, I know this too shall pass. I just have to hang on until it does or swap meds to help it along. I just switched back to cymbalta because now its generic and I can afford it again. ( insurance changed and I had to stop taking it before)
Hopefully my motivation will improve.
welcome SarahA.
i totally understand how you feel. i’ve been contemplating suicide for about 2 months now. suicidal thoughts for about 2 and a half years daily. i’m inching closer and closer to freedom.
A few years ago I was riding with my peer specialist, talking with him about life. My mother had just died and I was terribly depressed, sunk into a hole of misery where I couldn’t see any escape. It was a rough ride. Then, during a lull in the conversation, the following song came on the radio.
I sat there in sadness, listening to the lyrics of the song. A thought dawned on me, almost a revelation. Maybe it was just my lot to be miserable, to endure what life throws at me, that there was really no way out for me, and that I’d just have to ride this life to the end.
It was a comforting thought. I felt a lot of relief from the thoughts of suicide. I settled into a grim but peaceful feeling that it wasn’t really up to me, that fate would decide when I leave this life. It was an acceptance of the misery and it felt good.
I haven’t thought much about suicide since. Whatever the world throws my way, I’m here til the end.
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