Thinking out loud

I want to get a green dragon tattoo on my back like the wrestler Batista (he also played Drax the Destroyer in Guardians of the Galaxy), but I have these really gross love handles I’d want to get rid of first. I know a really good tattoo artist in my neighborhood, he did all four I currently have!!

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My family started out religious. My dad was even a travelling preacher.

Not so much any more.

I’ve never heard of this “mother of harlots.”

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yeah I might get the dragon tattoo anyway just for a reminder of my psychosis. I looked up the tattoo, it looks amazing. If I get one, it’s gonna be a small black one on my wrist. Something like this but I don’t want to break my mom’s heart, she’s a reborn christian, Lol.


Looks cool. I’m typically not a fan of tatoos either.

Makes sense now. I forgot you did graphic design.

For me lowering my dose of Paliperidone has actually made the voices and delusional thoughts go away more and more. Sounds strange? Well i thought so too… i wonder if taking anti psychotics can make you schizophrenic without you really being ill. imagine a sane healthy person being forced to take antipsychotics he develops a psychosis due to the meds. is that possible?

your father was a preacher? That’s very interesting. I used to go to church a lot when growing up and I really used to enjoy it. I really liked the way these protestant preachers carried themselves, always kind, happy and thoughtful and they took great care of their families and kids. Sometimes when going through rough times, I listen to some preaching on Youtube, I really like these American preachers, they’re very insightful and help me focus on other things but I don’t have faith. My sister is also very religious, she told me my life is gonna change when I accept Jesus as my saviour, she has no idea what I’ve been through. She told me I might even stop taking meds completely when I turn to religion, Lol. Had a good laugh. Anyway, I try not to judge other mentalities.

Some bipolar folks who are improperly medicated end up developing sz. I’ve heard of that happening in a couple cases.

@notmoses would be the guy to discuss this with. I think he derived a benefit from not being overmedicated (at least I think he said something like this).

From my lay perspective I reacted terribly to haloperidol and I got a voice repeating the same phrase over and over “all neck and no meat”. (Go figure - what a ridiculous phrase). Before this the voices had been quiet for a month. Once a new med was replaced the phrase went away.

NB: I also have an obsessional disorder - maybe this was involved too. Was the worst week of my life.

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Wait I minute I did this as a kid in my prodromal phase and I also up and started yelling at myself when I see my reflection every night since I became scz. The talking to myself started out as intense thoughts keeping me disturbed so I just remembered an expert from Saks’ memoir about when she would unleash hell in psychoanalytic therapy. I tried it and it helped me realize what was going on beneath the surface and it made me sleep better.

I often write in my journal my stream of consciousness, I also write like that academically but I keep it legit and on topic. The results are great, I write A papers in just one sitting after doing my research and knowing it really well.

I remember at like age 11 thinking so hard whilst playing a video game that I let slip what I was thinking about verbally. It freaked me out. Little did I know (euphemism for not a fucking clue) that I would grow to be schizophrenic.

I still talk to myself, it gets really bad when I have cognitive dissonance, basically when I have to do something I am not cool with and do it anyways with mental anguish over it. Or something like that. I don’t care, my mind, my problems.

Like when I take notes on articles, little paragraph-long summaries of research studies, I write how I think, with lots of accurate citations and such but then personal anecdotes thrown in such as “wtf” “■■■■■■■■ study” and “[blah blah blah science] or some ■■■■”

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yeah I didn’t have this before, it’s something new and it scared me. I don’t want to end up talking to myself in public but other than this, I also have some sort of obsessive thoughts, the same thought goes into a loop mode in my brain for an entire day. I’ve had this for the past few months and now it’s affecting me physically. Do you still do it? Does it bother people around you? Like in class or something? I’ve noticed during these intense moments until I realize and stop, I’m also losing focus and getting out of the present moment.

I keep it contained all day then it pours out torrentially when I step out of the shower and see my reflection, particularly my own eyes. I then talk to myself (either confused or angry or both) until midnight or about 2am.

Fred Frese says he talks to himself even in public and his wife makes him stop. He’s basically the leading scz individual in advocacy of awareness, ect. He has a PhD in clinical psychology and is an associate professor of psychiatry and he also travels around giving speeches and attending conferences as the representative of our minority group along with Elyn Saks.

So if he does it and he’s doing well I don’t worry. When I think poorly of myself, I pull up my work or read old ass papers and look at the remarks the profs wrote in them (praise). I also start reading articles about a construct when I get too funky in the head, the science brings me back to reality and makes me think once again scientifically.

I am pretty damn well trained in research skills if I might brag on my professors. They taught me how to do it.

But to get back on topic, I do sometimes freak my parents out who I live with. They are used to it but if I yell at myself they ask me if I am okay.

There is all sorts of room to interpret what the talking to myself is- twisted empty chair gestalt therapy, free association with no psychoanalyst in the room, ego dystonia, cognitive dissonance, talking back to hallucinations, who gives a ■■■■.

When it comes time to put up work or exercise or cook and eat or drive myself to school or study or take notes or ■■■■ throw me anything, I get it done. That being said, I don’t give a damn if I talk to myself. If anything it must be helping. My shrink even said its good.


My sentiments exactly. If my behavior does them no harm, what difference does it make? Even if they think I’m nuts.

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Maybe it’s different for you but at my age and experience and social life, I’m embarrassed by it. I don’t like to look nuts or talk to myself in public.

how do you know that they notice these things you believe people see you doing? what if its just you thinking people think youre nuts when in reality they think youre a normal person. or you feel embarrassaed by behaving a certain way but they dont see anything wrong in you at all and think of totally different topics. the only way you can be certain is when people tell you that they are bothered by you talking out loud or whatever.

It’s a little complex, so bear with me:

  1. A bipolar without the genetics for sz who is given even high-dose anti-Ps is not going to “catch” sz. He may become over-medicated and lethargic, however.

  2. A bipolar with the genetics for sz is not going to “catch” sz, either

  3. A bipolar without the genetics for sz who is given anti-D’s isn’t going to get sz, either, BUT his bipolar may well get very agitated and even psychotic.

  4. A bipolar with the genetics for sz who is given anti-D’s might well be so agitated by the neurostimulative properties of the med that it would tip him over into florid sz.

I’m still not talking to myself but sometimes, when I get lost in my mind, I’m moving my mouth like saying what I’m thinking. My thoughts are very intense. I drift. My friend thought I was talking to him when I wasn’t. Nobody thinks I’m nuts but if this talking gets worse, that’s gonna change.

waterway waves ‘good morning’ to the CIA parked in front of her house…


lmao! priceless :o)

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do you control your thoughts? as long as you dont think of obscene ideas then you shouldnt be emberassed by it.