I am in a phase where I am lost. I am not mentally stable at all and it has been fluctuating since March 2015. I am dwelling in resentment, hurt, I drank a lot during this time too and just only it has been a couple weeks that I am doing a little better.
I notice I talk too much, about everything to everybody and I am not sure how to control that. I need to be more calmer and focused. Then I think why do I care, nobody is perfect. Then I cry and think of leaving the country. Then I change my mind and think of medication change. Then I decide to start working. and all this goes through my head everyday and I talk to myself. Then I feel happy and have fun with friends and forget everything then bedtime, i get tearful and panic about my life. I am a mess and it has been like this for the past 1,5 years. Before that I was on Geodon and had a dysfunctional schedule. I am still recording my thoughts everyday till december 18 and I have therapy and doctor the sam e day, so we will decide what to do. Which medication to take and just how to fix my state. I am exhausted.
I was first on Abilify and gained 40 pounds and was restless but I was normal and stable during that time.
Then I was on Geodon and I had a dysfunctional life and sleep schedule but I was so happy, energetic and full of life.
I am not sure if it is a long term medication and that is my only worry. I am not sure how long I can take a dysfunctional life on that medication.
Now I am on Latuda. I feel empty, dysfunctional, lost in my mind and talking to myself.
Sounds like maybe you are missing some psychological coping skills? For a lot of people, medication is only half the answer, while the other half is more psychological in nature.
All of that can come from psychological struggles. Analyzing things half to death, focusing on the negative, being very critical towards yourself, having a hard time not focusing on the negatives in the past and present when you are alone without distractions, having a difficult time forming one, comprehensive perception that includes all the good, all the neutral and all the bad (rather than seeing things in “split” terms, either all good or all bad), obsessive worry about the future, feeling the need to categorize everything as “good” or “bad” instead of just calmly making objective observations in the moment, etc.
DBT and other mindfulness-focused therapies can be very helpful for these types of issues, such as when you are alone at night and your mind floods with negative obsessions, criticisms and fears. Many DBT exercises are meant to help guide you through the process of making objective observations and ultimately helping to calm you down and empower you, rather than letting your emotions run wild and control you.
Of course this doesn’t mean ditching medications if you have a psychotic illness, it’s not that medications are useless, but just that they may be only half the puzzle, so to speak.
I am doing cognitive behavioural therapy and my therapist is telling me to write down my thoughts and do breathing exercises and how to distract myself, I just sort of sink into it and can not control it. Maybe I am being stubborn in helping myself but I don’t have the motivation even to think positively. I feel empty. I guess I wasn’t like this so this is all new to me on Latuda. i am not sure. Nothing makes me happy which is why I was drinking to much. maybe I have major depression. I can not even enjoy the music I used to enjoy!
I know where you are coming from, No matter what med I go through stages I don’t care, look for every possible reason why I am such a bad person. One therapist said I blame myself for to many things that just can’t be controlled. Try to be to good at things that just don’t matter. I have always been hyper and talk to much, others have made me feel bad about it along with other things, then you feel like everything is a no win.
I guess living and growing never ends, the SZ just amplifies everything, making life a over whelming struggle.
Well I’d probably drink everyday because of the difficulty of this illness. I actually drink every weekend, but the impact of alcohol definitely alters the state of mind for a while. I haven’t stopped drinking, but it is very noticeable the effects it may have past the day of drinking, short time though. I guess you could try not to drink, may be helpful on the mood, symptoms, emotions, state of mind etc.
Have you asked them about trying some DBT exercises? DBT gradually trains the brain over time to objectively observe first, as opposed to responding emotionally first. But it takes a lot of work (practice) over an extended period of time, the results are not immediate. So don’t blame yourself if there isn’t some instant, tremendous change. It’s normal for it to take time.
Could definitely be anhedonia-related, for sure. DBT doesn’t necessarily allow people to experience pleasure, if a mental illness is in the way, which is why I want to stress not abandoning the medications. But DBT is more about combating anger, anxiety and sadness that is ruling your mind, instead of serving you in the way such physiological mechanisms are meant to serve us.
Thank you for the compliment. My secret is that I’m actually a cerebral narcissist, so I enjoy researching the hell out of things in order to be able to provide information and explanations for others, as it is a source of esteem or “supply” for me. But it does also make me happy if it helps someone in the end. Perhaps the whole “everything for a reason” magic heh.
Are you talking to yourself because the voices are loud? I’m sorry you’re going through that. I hate when things get like that. I’m on Latuda too. I’m also on Geodon. It’s a good combo for me. Maybe you need two APs. ️
It’s a meds issue. All the therapy in the world isn’t going to help in my opinion. We’re at the mercy of our meds. Switching is a pain, but it’s worth it if you find one that (more or less) works.
Yesterday night in bed I had another change of heart and read some articles on how to change your way of thinking then I thought since Latuda does not have too many side effects, especially oh god, it does not effect my sleep, maybe I can just work on myself and see if I can stop the negative thinking and talking. I even thought maybe I need a higher dose of Latuda, i am on 100 mg right now. and 300 mg Wellbutrin. I have been drinking much much less and some days not at all plus good news, this week with 5 days diet, I lost 4 pounds. So by christmas I might fit in my dress. That is a huge motivation by itself. I also thought about doing some mindfulness meditations and yoga and maybe I can fix myself instead of relying too much on medication. This is positive thinking today, by night, who knows what I will think.
I think a lot could have to do with the time of year, It’s cooler, I know in summer when It’s hot I fill up on fluids and don’t eat as much. Now I’m hungry all the time.
I’ve always reacted to anti-psychotics badly when it comes to how I feel in myself. I’ve found an antidepressant called Brintellix (Vortioxetine) helps.
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