Ok, i cant share this much with anyone, who i know…
My dearest and totally sweet nephew committed suicide yesterday…
Dont ask me how i am…
At the worst, i risk the hospital, while my mother doesn’t want that for me, she thinks, thst they’ll make me zombie there, but what does she know in the same time…
Ive tried to feel happier around the treatments from the psychiatry for ten years…
I just got up from the bed, the rest wasn’t fixed though…
They told me in the hospital, that I’ll always be in pain…
But the main now is this tragedy… i wasnt very sweet aunt, i think about my role in that, guilt yes…
My nephew killed himself so he doesn’t make us suffer more i think…
He had a drug addiction and maybe a mi too, such as my abusive father, maybe as me too, but this boy was more humble than me in his hell…
I cant move right now for example…
I should push myself to stop to cry too, cause i move even less with it…
I am hypersensitive since some 5 years, maybe I’ll add up now a bit of depakote to my treatment, so i get a bit number and maybe calmer…
Does the depakote help your anxiety??
Ok, thats all people…
This tragedy humbled me instantly…
Idk what kind of person i can be with all that…
Maybe I’ll count on you for sharing just per times…
Maybe I’ll isolate, but my main worry is, that I’ll stop even to get up from the bed or walk…
This boy had a totally good soul, i always saw that ,but because of my pressure and avoidance, i never showed him much my love…
One day I’ll see him i think…
Idk what to do with my grieve really, after talking with my mom now, i cant talk anymore for now…
Hugs
I’m so sorry @Anna1 . That’s terrible.
Thank you…
My mother is not really aware of the suffering in mis…
But i totally don’t blame her now..
She told me, that if the healthy ones were aware, they would have been sick too…
She can be nice and very compassionate to me still…
But sometimes, she shouted at me, when i was telling her that am in pain…
She’s shocked too now, of course…
Idk if i can heal with that, i loved that boy almost like my child, not only my nephew…
a rose for him now…
I’m sorry for your loss.
I am really sorry for your loss. 
Sending virtual hugs and prayers.
Man, that’s horrible, i am sorry to hear this, it must be very hard
Suicide is awful and leaves a trail of guilt & grief in its wake, its devastating to everyone and so unnecessary imo, all i can say is to try & accept and hopefully things will get easier.
Its something i have thought about in the past but luckily i am still here, i would never do it it in my right mind.
It may take a bit of time for the grief to ease,
Wishing you well,
Dreamer.
Sorry for your loss
Sorry to hear about your nephew and sorry for your loss @Anna1 
So sorry @Anna1 to hear this news. I hope you and your family stay close and strong.
Sorry for your loss. 
I’m so sorry. That’s tragic. I feel for everyone involved
sorry for your loss ='(
I’m sorry @Anna1
Hang in there
I’m very very sorry to hear this. If you can find a way to carry on with yourself with some dignity for your nephew. My compassion is on you and with you.
Do you think some of you who knows, if the depakote can make me crazier, like agitated in fact or smth worse??
I wonder too if I’ll have tremors on it…
Tbh i look for a bit more desensibilization and less fear…
The late years, am too hyperemotional even, but it was painful in many ways, cause these emotions were hurting in me, idk why… but they were stronger than , when i had them in a ball in my stomach lol (maybe the past repression), which i guess is hard to heal fast in a totally healthy way…
I mean here the truth from Freud, who says, that the too repressed emotions will come out later in uglier ways…
For me the ugly ways involve a bit the pain, cause it takes time to balance the emotions and they can be all over your head, with the according crazy behavior…
I have pain also. My pain is from something always feeling wrong. I have to tell myself something is wrong but I am not wrong so I don’t take the pain personally.
Im sorry … hope his family and you are ok.
I’m so sorry for you and.your family and most of all for your nephew. Do you have grief/bereavement counseling or support groups available?
Thank you…
Am alone now and as still an obsessive sz, i even imagine the dead body of my nephew, the branch that he holded into his hand, cause when he was falling down, he tried to catch himself up to some tree…
Should i try to stop somehow these kind of obsessions, i guess they’ll made me sicker, right???
The sorrow is big… My biggest pain is, that he too, was in a mental suffering since long…
Moonbeam, my country is a post communist, eastern europe ■■■■, where the therapies are not very popular…
Knowing my family, they wouldn’t go there too…
We still deal with the heavy artillery, i added now this depakote, my sister and my mother probably will want some meds too…
Who knows though, maybe we’ll seek for a psychological therapy.
Yes, now i obsess over the heart and soul of my nephew, maybe i shouldn’t…
Thank you to all…
I am sure, that his pains are over now and he is in heaven now, he really was a very tender and sweet soul, the things is, that we, we hurt as heck now…
Take care all…
I’m so sorry @Anna1. Sending (((hugs))).
