And I can’t stop crying, it’s been a long time since I cried for him, 10 years it has been, since he shot himself. I used to be so angry at him because I predicted his suicide. I tried to get his guns removed but I know full well he’d have found another way but that didn’t stop the guilt. If he hadn’t done that I may not have become delusional and ended up abused and raped but that’s maybe’s I could have ended up psychotic anyway.
I understand how he must have felt im there myself right now only im fighting it, I don’t want to ruin my family but I can’t stop the thoughts they’re forcing in my head. I Just wish it hadn’t happened, I wish he was still here, I wish none of this had happened. But I know it is the reality. I can’t escape that.
I’m sorry you lost your uncle (hugs). I know your struggling so much yourself with the same thoughts. But you need to stay strong. We’re all here for you. And you can’t undo the past but you can work towards a better future. I know you can find peace. And I hope you’ll find it soon. And may your uncle rest in peace.
Thank you Noise, I have lit a candle for him and am now having to finish my essay because it is due this evening, the distraction is welcome, I have stopped crying for now, i hate crying but my dad posted a photo of the two of them (they were best mates before marrying two sisters, my mum and my aunt) and everything flooded, I feel so much pain right now but I will be strong, I’m always strong. Thank you for your kindness and hug
I’m glad you have something to distract you. Loss of a loved one is always so hard to deal with.
Perhaps later if you think it would make you feel better maybe do something in honor of him. I found drawing things that remind me of them helped me when I was in grief.
Good luck with your essay. I’m so proud of you for being strong.
Thank you those are wise and lovely words, I may do something for him that is a good idea. I just submitted my essay, I am proud of me too, I don’t know the quality of the work but I did my best and that is all I can do.
I am sorry your heart is hurting right now. I lost my dad eleven years ago, and it still feels like it just happened on certain days. Do you live close enough to your dad that the two of you could maybe do something special together in memory of your uncle? I like to play the guitar to honor my dad’s memory.
I’m sorry about your dad, I like that you play guitar for him. My dad lives two towns over and he’s working but im seeing him next Wednesday because it is my own birthday on Tuesday. I’ve got a candle lit I feel like I may write a poem, I dont tend to write prose but I do when people die, I didn’t when my uncle died I couldn’t because I felt it was my fault. Ten years on its different so I may do that.
It was not your fault. You tried your best to help him. Hopefully, he is helping you now. Knowing how horrible suicide is on your loved ones is a good motivation to stick around and keep trying.
I think writing a poem is a lovely idea. It’s not your fault. I know letting go of guilt is never that simple. But you did everything you could. What ifs will only leave you chasing your tail. The past is in the past. Just take small steps forward. (Hugs)
Thank you both @Ninjastar and @Noise I appreciate your comments. I am carrying on, I had a bath just now and am now sat swaddled in a blanket, I feel slightly relaxed for the first time in the past week I like being warm, it relaxes my knotted stomach and I feel like I can breath, I must remember that. I am going to write a poem, it’s about time I did, I should respect his life. Thank you both.